Kulikuwa kuna wa dada wawili na bibi moja walikuwa wanakata kuni porini, mara majambazi waka wateka wakasema adhabu yenu itakuwa nikufanya mapenzi na nyie..
Wote wale mabint wakasema tuna omba msifanye mapenzi na bibi yetu msamehe kwan yeye ni mzee ila sit upo tayari... Ghafla bibi akadakia...
"Adhabu ni adhabu tu haijalish mzee au kijana sisi wote si tume tekwa lazima adhabu Itupate wote..."
Another Jason Nchimbi's BLOG...
Sunday, February 12, 2012
JAMAA NA DOCTOR
Jamaa fulani alienda kwa doctor na kumwambia...
Jamaa: "Samahani doctor... Kichwa kinaniuma na ninamawazo sana... Hivi wewe ukiacha haya madawa huwa unafanya nini ili kutuliza maumivu?!?"
Doctor: "Aaaaaah, kwa mimi huwa nafanya mapenzi na mke wangu na nakuwa freshi kabisa..."
Wote wakacheka sana, jamaa akapewa dawa na kuondoka...
Baada ya wiki 2 jamaa akarudi tena kwa doctor....
Doctor: "Vipi, unajisikiaje kwa sasa ndugu yangu..."
Jamaa akatabasamu na kujibu;
"Kweli ww ni Daktari bora sana na ulisema kweli... Najickia vizuri sana... Pia nyumba yako nzuri sana na mkeo kwa kweli anafaa sana kutuliza naumivu...!!!"
Jamaa: "Samahani doctor... Kichwa kinaniuma na ninamawazo sana... Hivi wewe ukiacha haya madawa huwa unafanya nini ili kutuliza maumivu?!?"
Doctor: "Aaaaaah, kwa mimi huwa nafanya mapenzi na mke wangu na nakuwa freshi kabisa..."
Wote wakacheka sana, jamaa akapewa dawa na kuondoka...
Baada ya wiki 2 jamaa akarudi tena kwa doctor....
Doctor: "Vipi, unajisikiaje kwa sasa ndugu yangu..."
Jamaa akatabasamu na kujibu;
"Kweli ww ni Daktari bora sana na ulisema kweli... Najickia vizuri sana... Pia nyumba yako nzuri sana na mkeo kwa kweli anafaa sana kutuliza naumivu...!!!"
familia kitajiri...
Mtoto mmoja kiarabu from familia kitajiri aliamua kumuandikia baba yake email huko warabuni
Iko hivi:"Baba huku berlin najisikia aibu kutembelea ferrari yangu ya dhahabu kuelekea shuleni,angali walimu wangu na wanafunzi wenzangu wanaenda shule na Public train."
Basi baada wiki mzee akajibu hivi kwenye email
"Nimekuelewa mwanangu nimekuwekea Dollar Millioni 50 kwenye account.Nenda kanunue private train yako pekeyako uende nayo shule usituibishe mwanangu."
Iko hivi:"Baba huku berlin najisikia aibu kutembelea ferrari yangu ya dhahabu kuelekea shuleni,angali walimu wangu na wanafunzi wenzangu wanaenda shule na Public train."
Basi baada wiki mzee akajibu hivi kwenye email
"Nimekuelewa mwanangu nimekuwekea Dollar Millioni 50 kwenye account.Nenda kanunue private train yako pekeyako uende nayo shule usituibishe mwanangu."
Tangazo kwa wachaga wote.
Chuo kipya kabisa cha kichaga (CHAGGA TECHNICAL COLLEGE) kinatangaza kozi mpya kwa mwaka wa masomo 2011/2012 kama ifuatavyo..
1.) UBAHILI Miezi 3.
2.) ULEVI miezi 2.
3.) KUUZA DUKA mwezi 1.
4.) KUACHA WAKE VIJIJINI miezi 4.
5.) KUENDESHA PIKIPIKI wiki 2.
6.) KUSOGEZA MIPAKA YA SHAMBA LA JIRANI miezi 6.
7.) UTAPELI wiki 2.
Atakayejiunga mapema atapewa ofa kozi ya kupika mbege na kutembeza Ndizi BUREEE!!! Wahi nafasi ni chache... Nyote MNAKARIBISHWA!!!!
1.) UBAHILI Miezi 3.
2.) ULEVI miezi 2.
3.) KUUZA DUKA mwezi 1.
4.) KUACHA WAKE VIJIJINI miezi 4.
5.) KUENDESHA PIKIPIKI wiki 2.
6.) KUSOGEZA MIPAKA YA SHAMBA LA JIRANI miezi 6.
7.) UTAPELI wiki 2.
Atakayejiunga mapema atapewa ofa kozi ya kupika mbege na kutembeza Ndizi BUREEE!!! Wahi nafasi ni chache... Nyote MNAKARIBISHWA!!!!
SMALL KIDS
Two very small kids were playing under a blanket.
Boy: i'm a boy n u
girl: i dnt knw
boy: wait.
The boy went deep inside then after some seconds he came back n said, "you are a girl."
girl: how did u knw?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Boy: you r wearing pink socks n i'm wearing a blue sock.
Moral: improve your thinking, can't u see they r just kids...
Boy: i'm a boy n u
girl: i dnt knw
boy: wait.
The boy went deep inside then after some seconds he came back n said, "you are a girl."
girl: how did u knw?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Boy: you r wearing pink socks n i'm wearing a blue sock.
Moral: improve your thinking, can't u see they r just kids...
An example of why we should wait until a person finished speaking, before jumping to conclusions
An example of why we should wait until a person finished speaking, before jumping to conclusions
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
hoteli moja ya KIMATAIFA
Jamaa fulani aliingia hoteli moja ya KIMATAIFA na alipofika ndani alifurahi sana baada ya kukuta kuna computer ya kutumia chumbani kwake, tena iliyounganishwa na Internet... Jamaa bila hata ya kupoteza muda akaamua kumwandikia e-mail mkewe.... Kwa bahati mbaya katika kutuma akakosea na kumtumia mwanamke mmoja mjane ambaye ndo alitoka kwenye mazishi ya mumewe...
Yule mwanamke aliyetoka kwenye mazishi, baada tu ya kufika kwake bila ya kupoteza muda akawasha laptop yake na kuanza kusoma e-mail zake ili aweze kujibu salamu za rambi rambi toka kwa ndugu, jamaa na marafiki...
Baada ya kusoma e-mail moja tu ya kwanza yule mama akapiga kelele na kuzimia....
Mwanaye wa kwanza wa kiume akatoka mbio mpaka chumbani na kumkuta mama yake kazimia, kucheki pembeni akaona kuna e-mail mamake alikuwa anaisoma, so jamaa akaamua kuipitia faster kujua kama ndio tatizo... E-mail ilikuwa hivi...
****************
To: My lovely wife!!!
Najua lazima unashtuka sana kupata hii e-mail toka kwangu...
Sikutegemea kukuta computer hupa ila zipo na tunaruhusiwa kuzitumia... Ndio nimefika huku na hapa ndo wamenipa chumba changu... Nimepokelewa vizuri sana tofauti na nilivyo tarajia... Watu wamejaa sana ila nafasi bado zipo na naona kila kitu kiko sawa na wamekuandalia vizuri na wewe sehemu ya kufikia.. Nakusubiri kwa hamu sana mke wangu na usiogope, safari ni fupi na utafika salama usijari, ukifika tu kuna watu maalumu watakupokea... Mwambie huyo mwanetu mkubwa wa kiume na wadogo zake wote watakuja jumuika nasi wiki ijayo hivyo wajiandae...
Nategemea sana ujio wako wa kesho ili tuwe wote pamoja.
Can't wait to see you honey, ♥ :)
From: Your lovely, Husband!!!
******************************
Yule mwanamke aliyetoka kwenye mazishi, baada tu ya kufika kwake bila ya kupoteza muda akawasha laptop yake na kuanza kusoma e-mail zake ili aweze kujibu salamu za rambi rambi toka kwa ndugu, jamaa na marafiki...
Baada ya kusoma e-mail moja tu ya kwanza yule mama akapiga kelele na kuzimia....
Mwanaye wa kwanza wa kiume akatoka mbio mpaka chumbani na kumkuta mama yake kazimia, kucheki pembeni akaona kuna e-mail mamake alikuwa anaisoma, so jamaa akaamua kuipitia faster kujua kama ndio tatizo... E-mail ilikuwa hivi...
****************
To: My lovely wife!!!
Najua lazima unashtuka sana kupata hii e-mail toka kwangu...
Sikutegemea kukuta computer hupa ila zipo na tunaruhusiwa kuzitumia... Ndio nimefika huku na hapa ndo wamenipa chumba changu... Nimepokelewa vizuri sana tofauti na nilivyo tarajia... Watu wamejaa sana ila nafasi bado zipo na naona kila kitu kiko sawa na wamekuandalia vizuri na wewe sehemu ya kufikia.. Nakusubiri kwa hamu sana mke wangu na usiogope, safari ni fupi na utafika salama usijari, ukifika tu kuna watu maalumu watakupokea... Mwambie huyo mwanetu mkubwa wa kiume na wadogo zake wote watakuja jumuika nasi wiki ijayo hivyo wajiandae...
Nategemea sana ujio wako wa kesho ili tuwe wote pamoja.
Can't wait to see you honey, ♥ :)
From: Your lovely, Husband!!!
******************************
A blind man
A blind man went to a restaurant.
" Menu sir ? " Asked the owner.
" I'm blind . . Just bring me one of
your used forks . . !
I will smell it & order. "
... The confused owner got a fork.
The blind man smelt the fork with
a deep breath . . " Yes , I will have
the lamb with seasoned potatoes
and spring onions. "
Unbelievable . . ! Thought the owner
The blind man ate & left.
Two weeks later . . the blind man
returned.
The owner . . wanting to see how
good his smell was . . quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Nancy was cooking . . !
He said to his wife. . " Do me a favor .
Rub this fork over your pussy . . ! "Which she does . . !
He then goes to the blind-man &
gives him the fork . .
The blind man takes it . . puts it to
his nose and says . . ,
"O Fuck . . I never knew . . Nancy
worked here . . ! ''
LOL
Deadest!!!!
Jamaa alienda duka la nguo...
Jamaa alienda duka la nguo kununua zawadi kwa ajili ya Birthday ya mchumba wake...
Baada ya kuchagua sana akaona ni bora amnunulie pair ya GLOVES za kuvaa mkononi kama za maharusi kwa sababu ndicho kitu alichopendelea sana lakini mchumba wake hakuwa nazo...
Kwa kucndikizwa na dada wa mchumba wake (shemeji yake) waliokutana town wakaenda mpaka duka la nguo na kumnunulia mpenzi wake hizo Gloves. Dada mtu naye aliona si mbaya akajinunulia nguo za ndani mbili (bikini)...
Wakati wa kufunga, muuza duka akamix vitu na kumfungia dada mtu zile Gloves na yule mchumba wake akawekewa zili bikini 2. Bila ya kuangalia jamaa akaomba afungiwe kwenye box la zawadi na kuomba muuzaji amuwekee na ki-note alichokiandika kilichosema....
"Kwako mahabuba wangu!!!
Nimekuchagulia zawadi hii kwa sababu huna tabia ya kupenda kuvaa kila tukitoka out...
Kama icngekuwa dada yako ningekuchagulia ndefu zaidi na pana lakini dadako anapenda kuvaa fupi za kamba kamba kama hizi ambazo ni rahisi kuvaa na kuvua...
Mimi sikutaka sana kuchagua aina hii lakini dada muuzaji hapa nilikonunua alinionyesha na yeye aina hiyo hiyo kuwa ndiyo anayopenda kuvaa. Nilimpa ajaribu zako kwa ajili yangu nione, na kwa kweli alipendeza sana.
Natamani ningekuwepo nikuvalishe tena mbele ya watu siku ya kuvishana pete ili usije vaa zibaya kwa sababu nilimuona alivyo vaa na kufunga kwa umakini na taratibu sana...
Ukivua hakikisha unazikung'uta kabla ya kuzivaa tena siku nyingine kwa sababu najua hutazifua mara kwa mara...
Nakuomba sana uvae jumamosi jioni tukionana japo huna tabia hiyo, ukishindwa njoo nitakuvalisha...."
From your love!!!
Byeeee...
Baada ya kuchagua sana akaona ni bora amnunulie pair ya GLOVES za kuvaa mkononi kama za maharusi kwa sababu ndicho kitu alichopendelea sana lakini mchumba wake hakuwa nazo...
Kwa kucndikizwa na dada wa mchumba wake (shemeji yake) waliokutana town wakaenda mpaka duka la nguo na kumnunulia mpenzi wake hizo Gloves. Dada mtu naye aliona si mbaya akajinunulia nguo za ndani mbili (bikini)...
Wakati wa kufunga, muuza duka akamix vitu na kumfungia dada mtu zile Gloves na yule mchumba wake akawekewa zili bikini 2. Bila ya kuangalia jamaa akaomba afungiwe kwenye box la zawadi na kuomba muuzaji amuwekee na ki-note alichokiandika kilichosema....
"Kwako mahabuba wangu!!!
Nimekuchagulia zawadi hii kwa sababu huna tabia ya kupenda kuvaa kila tukitoka out...
Kama icngekuwa dada yako ningekuchagulia ndefu zaidi na pana lakini dadako anapenda kuvaa fupi za kamba kamba kama hizi ambazo ni rahisi kuvaa na kuvua...
Mimi sikutaka sana kuchagua aina hii lakini dada muuzaji hapa nilikonunua alinionyesha na yeye aina hiyo hiyo kuwa ndiyo anayopenda kuvaa. Nilimpa ajaribu zako kwa ajili yangu nione, na kwa kweli alipendeza sana.
Natamani ningekuwepo nikuvalishe tena mbele ya watu siku ya kuvishana pete ili usije vaa zibaya kwa sababu nilimuona alivyo vaa na kufunga kwa umakini na taratibu sana...
Ukivua hakikisha unazikung'uta kabla ya kuzivaa tena siku nyingine kwa sababu najua hutazifua mara kwa mara...
Nakuomba sana uvae jumamosi jioni tukionana japo huna tabia hiyo, ukishindwa njoo nitakuvalisha...."
From your love!!!
Byeeee...
JAMAA
Jamaa mmja alioa dem bikra..ili kumfundsha mkewe mambo akamvua nguo na kumwambia,."mke wangu,(akinyooshea uke wa mkewe) hilo ni gereza..na huyu (uume wake) ni mfungwa..haya mwache mfungw aingie gerezani..wakapga raund ya kwanz...baad ya raund mke akamsh2a mme..MFUNGWA KATOROKA GEREZAN..ikabd jamaa apge raund ya pili..alipomaliza mke akaita tena, MUME WANGU,MFUNGW AMETOroka tena...jamaa kwa uchov akapga raund ya tatu...akamaliza akiw hoi..dem akaw bdo anataka..akaita tena, MFUNGWA AMETOROKA....jamaa akajib kwa hasira...WE MALAYA,SIO KIFUNGO CHA MAISHA...
WAVUTA BANGI...
Wavuta bangi watatu baada ya kulivuta sana wakazima... Baada ya kushtuka wakamuona dogo anaangaika kuangua embe juu ya mti waliokuwa wameuegemea... Wakamfukuza dogo ili waangue wao... Jamaa waliangaika sana kurusha mawe juu bila mafanikio...
Wakaendelea rusha mawe mengi lakini hawakufanikiwa kuliangusha wala kuligusa.
Mvuta bangi mmoja akasema;
"Isije ikawa tunaangaika hapa bureeee kumbe embe lenyewe bichi, ngoja nipande juu nikalicheki kwanza kama limeiva..."
Jamaa akapanda faster baada ya dakika tano, yule mvuta bangi akashuka chini na kuwaambia mwenzake;
"Ebwana daaah, kitu cha ukweli... Nimelibonyeza limeiva vizuri kabisaaa, tuendeleeni kuliangua tu wanangu...."
Jamaa wakaendelea kurusha mawe kutwa nzima bila mafanikio!!!!
Wakaendelea rusha mawe mengi lakini hawakufanikiwa kuliangusha wala kuligusa.
Mvuta bangi mmoja akasema;
"Isije ikawa tunaangaika hapa bureeee kumbe embe lenyewe bichi, ngoja nipande juu nikalicheki kwanza kama limeiva..."
Jamaa akapanda faster baada ya dakika tano, yule mvuta bangi akashuka chini na kuwaambia mwenzake;
"Ebwana daaah, kitu cha ukweli... Nimelibonyeza limeiva vizuri kabisaaa, tuendeleeni kuliangua tu wanangu...."
Jamaa wakaendelea kurusha mawe kutwa nzima bila mafanikio!!!!
A guy is in line at the supermarket
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a hot lady behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him...
Although the lady looked familiar, he kuldn't place where he might know or mit her..
So he says;
"Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies;
"I think your the father of
one of my children."
"HOLY SHIT!" He screams;
"Are you that stripper from maisha club that I f***ed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your friends whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"NO," she replies;
"I'm your son's English Teacher.."
Although the lady looked familiar, he kuldn't place where he might know or mit her..
So he says;
"Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies;
"I think your the father of
one of my children."
"HOLY SHIT!" He screams;
"Are you that stripper from maisha club that I f***ed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your friends whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"NO," she replies;
"I'm your son's English Teacher.."
Pedeshee
Pedeshee mmoja alikua anapenda kuonga saaaaana, bac kuna siku aliamua aende kanisani kumwabudu Mungu...
Mbele yake alikuwa amekaa sister duu wa UKWELI, jamaa akawa anamcheki mwanzo mwishi misa nzima... Wakati wa kutoa sadaka ndio akaona Muda muwafaka wa kujitutumua... Basi ile kikapu kinafika kwa yule demu, PEDESHEE anamgusa kwa nyuma na kumnong'oneza....
"USIHOFU MREMBO.... TAKULIPIA SADAKA SEMA NIN KINGINE...!!!!!"
Mbele yake alikuwa amekaa sister duu wa UKWELI, jamaa akawa anamcheki mwanzo mwishi misa nzima... Wakati wa kutoa sadaka ndio akaona Muda muwafaka wa kujitutumua... Basi ile kikapu kinafika kwa yule demu, PEDESHEE anamgusa kwa nyuma na kumnong'oneza....
"USIHOFU MREMBO.... TAKULIPIA SADAKA SEMA NIN KINGINE...!!!!!"
offisin...
Jamaa aliona hana kazi offisini hivyo akaamua ampigie simu secretary ili amzingue... Kwa bahati mbaya alikosea na kumpigia simu bosi wake....
Jamaa: "Oya we mpuuzi lete chai vikombe viwili haraka mezani kwangu na chapati 3..!!!"
Bosi: "Hivi unajua unaongea na nani??!"
Jamaa baada ya kugundua kampigia bosi wake akaa kimya....
Bosi: "Nauliza hivi... Unajua unaongea na nani??!"
Jamaa (Kwa kuzuga ikabidi tu ajibu...): "Hapana..."
Bosi: "Mimi ni bosi wako humu ndani..."
Jamaa (Akakaza sauti na yeye): "Hivi na wewe unajua unaongea na nai??!"
Bosi: "Hapana, nani wewe?!"
Jamaa(Kwafuraha zaidi): "Daaaaah, asante MUNGU!!!!"
Then akakata simu!!!!!
Jamaa: "Oya we mpuuzi lete chai vikombe viwili haraka mezani kwangu na chapati 3..!!!"
Bosi: "Hivi unajua unaongea na nani??!"
Jamaa baada ya kugundua kampigia bosi wake akaa kimya....
Bosi: "Nauliza hivi... Unajua unaongea na nani??!"
Jamaa (Kwa kuzuga ikabidi tu ajibu...): "Hapana..."
Bosi: "Mimi ni bosi wako humu ndani..."
Jamaa (Akakaza sauti na yeye): "Hivi na wewe unajua unaongea na nai??!"
Bosi: "Hapana, nani wewe?!"
Jamaa(Kwafuraha zaidi): "Daaaaah, asante MUNGU!!!!"
Then akakata simu!!!!!
Puchada
A man went to china and met a prostitute so he pays her and they start doin it, while making love the woman screams puchada so he presumes shez sayn push harder so he pushes harder, in the mornin he goes and playz golf the ball enterz a hole and the other player shouts puchada so he asks wat does puchada mean hz told it means wrong hole...
"I want u to marry a girl of my choice..."
Son: "I want u to marry a girl of my choice..."
Dad: "U are still young, noooo...!!!"
Son: "Bt dad, da girl is Bill gates’ daughter..."
Dad: "Realy?! Oh okay den leave dat 2 me...!!!"
*Dad goes to Bill Gates....*
Dad: "I want ur daughter 2 marry my son..."
Gates: "Hell no, who z he 2 have my daughter.??!!"
Dad: "My son is da assistant CEO of WORD BANK..."
Gates: "Ooohh... Plz, fix da date..."
*Dad goes to CEO of WORD BANK....*
Dad: "Appoint my son as your assistant..."
WB CEO: "Waat??! Out from no wea??! Nooo..!!!"
Dad: "U are still young, noooo...!!!"
Son: "Bt dad, da girl is Bill gates’ daughter..."
Dad: "Realy?! Oh okay den leave dat 2 me...!!!"
*Dad goes to Bill Gates....*
Dad: "I want ur daughter 2 marry my son..."
Gates: "Hell no, who z he 2 have my daughter.??!!"
Dad: "My son is da assistant CEO of WORD BANK..."
Gates: "Ooohh... Plz, fix da date..."
*Dad goes to CEO of WORD BANK....*
Dad: "Appoint my son as your assistant..."
WB CEO: "Waat??! Out from no wea??! Nooo..!!!"
Wachaga...
Wachaga sisi bwana,sikia mtoto wa kichaga anafundishwa kusoma ndo ajui atazikoje ila anavyo zitamka!!!
Mwalimu:hii ni nambari 1,sema moja!
Mtoto:shilingi moja!
Mwalimu:hapana hapa ubaoni sijaa andika shilingi,nimeandika tu moja kwahiyo sema moja!
Mtoto:moja!
Mwalimu:vizuri sana..aya sasa hii ni nambari 2,sema mbili!
Mtoto:shilingi mbili!
Mwalimu:(kwa hasira)we hiyo shilingi unaitoa wapi?
Mtoto:(bila wasiwasi)kwa mjomba Masawe,Baba huwa hanipi eti!
Hapa ataukichapa mpaka uuwe ila shilingi iko midomoni!
Mwalimu:hii ni nambari 1,sema moja!
Mtoto:shilingi moja!
Mwalimu:hapana hapa ubaoni sijaa andika shilingi,nimeandika tu moja kwahiyo sema moja!
Mtoto:moja!
Mwalimu:vizuri sana..aya sasa hii ni nambari 2,sema mbili!
Mtoto:shilingi mbili!
Mwalimu:(kwa hasira)we hiyo shilingi unaitoa wapi?
Mtoto:(bila wasiwasi)kwa mjomba Masawe,Baba huwa hanipi eti!
Hapa ataukichapa mpaka uuwe ila shilingi iko midomoni!
Shekhe...
Shekhe m1 aliletewa zawadi ya pensi kutoka Oman,
Alipendelea sana kuivaa na kanzu wakati wa swala, ilitokea cku m1 Shekh alichelewa swala ya Ijumaa, na ilimbidi avae kanzu na kusahau kuvaa pensi kwa haraka zake,
Wakati anatia udhu miguuni alipandisha kanzu juu na makalio yote nje bila kujua,
Waumini wakamuuliza kwa mshangao baada ya kumuona, Shekh makalio wazi
He! Vipi Shekhe!
Shekh akajibu
"hee munashangaa! MAMBO YA OMAN HAYO"
Alipendelea sana kuivaa na kanzu wakati wa swala, ilitokea cku m1 Shekh alichelewa swala ya Ijumaa, na ilimbidi avae kanzu na kusahau kuvaa pensi kwa haraka zake,
Wakati anatia udhu miguuni alipandisha kanzu juu na makalio yote nje bila kujua,
Waumini wakamuuliza kwa mshangao baada ya kumuona, Shekh makalio wazi
He! Vipi Shekhe!
Shekh akajibu
"hee munashangaa! MAMBO YA OMAN HAYO"
tabia ya kufanya mapenzi kwenye giza
Jamaa fulani alikuwa na tabia ya kufanya mapenzi kwenye giza na mkewe toka waoane...
Siku moja mkewe akaamua kuwasha taa kwa ghafla ili kujua ni kwa nn mumewe hapendi kufanya mapenzi na taa..
Ile kuwasha tuu akamkuta mumewe kashika "Vibrator" (kifaa alichokuwa anakitumia kufanya mapenzi na mkewe)...
Yule mwanamke akaondoka kwa hasira na kwenda kwao usiku ule ule, kesho yake akarudi na wazazi wake, pamoja na wazazi wa jamaa kwa ajili ya kusikiliza maelezo ya jamaa mbele ya familia nzima huku akifunguka...!!!!
MKE: "Mwanaume gani muongo wewe... Tena wewe pumbavu kabisa... Naomba unieleze sasa hivi ni kwanini umenidanganya miaka yote hiyo 20 ya ndoa?!"
MUME: "Samahanini wazazi wangu... Nakubali mimi ninaupungufu wa nguvu za kiume uliosababishwa na ajali niliyoipata mwezi mmoja baada ya ndoa yetu... Hiyo ilinifanya nisiweze fanya kitu kabisa kitandani, ndiyo maana nimekuwa namdanganya mke wangu miaka yote hiyokwa kutumia kifaa maalumu nilicho nunua Ulaya ili asiniache..."
Jamaa akanyanyuka, akaomba samahani, akatoka nje na kurudi na PANGA...
MUME: "Hayo yalikuwa ni maelezo yangu... Sasa naomba na wewe shetani unieleze, hao watoto saba wote uliowazaa umewatoa wapi??!!!"
Siku moja mkewe akaamua kuwasha taa kwa ghafla ili kujua ni kwa nn mumewe hapendi kufanya mapenzi na taa..
Ile kuwasha tuu akamkuta mumewe kashika "Vibrator" (kifaa alichokuwa anakitumia kufanya mapenzi na mkewe)...
Yule mwanamke akaondoka kwa hasira na kwenda kwao usiku ule ule, kesho yake akarudi na wazazi wake, pamoja na wazazi wa jamaa kwa ajili ya kusikiliza maelezo ya jamaa mbele ya familia nzima huku akifunguka...!!!!
MKE: "Mwanaume gani muongo wewe... Tena wewe pumbavu kabisa... Naomba unieleze sasa hivi ni kwanini umenidanganya miaka yote hiyo 20 ya ndoa?!"
MUME: "Samahanini wazazi wangu... Nakubali mimi ninaupungufu wa nguvu za kiume uliosababishwa na ajali niliyoipata mwezi mmoja baada ya ndoa yetu... Hiyo ilinifanya nisiweze fanya kitu kabisa kitandani, ndiyo maana nimekuwa namdanganya mke wangu miaka yote hiyokwa kutumia kifaa maalumu nilicho nunua Ulaya ili asiniache..."
Jamaa akanyanyuka, akaomba samahani, akatoka nje na kurudi na PANGA...
MUME: "Hayo yalikuwa ni maelezo yangu... Sasa naomba na wewe shetani unieleze, hao watoto saba wote uliowazaa umewatoa wapi??!!!"
Tom
Tom was dying. .His wife sat at the bedside. .
He looked up and said weakly;
"I have something I must confess."
... "There’s no need to," his wife replied.
"No, He insisted. .
I want to die in peace. .I slept with your sister, your
best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know!" she replied,
"Now just Rest and let the Poison work!"
He looked up and said weakly;
"I have something I must confess."
... "There’s no need to," his wife replied.
"No, He insisted. .
I want to die in peace. .I slept with your sister, your
best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know!" she replied,
"Now just Rest and let the Poison work!"
mchumba
Kijana wa kiume ampeleka mchumba wk kumtambulisha kwao,alipofika tu baba yk akagundua dosarì maana binti alkuwa mweusi tii,ana matege makali na makengeza ya maana!duuh msichana kuona sura ya baba mkwe wk imebadìlika ikabidi atabasamu kdg,lahaula! Alikuwa na mapengo hana meno yote ya mbele!baba akaamua amwite kijana wk! Baba: mwanangu ebu twende nje kidogo tuongee kijana: baba sema tu hapa hapa mchumba wangu n kiziwi...!
watoto
Siku moja watoto wa KINDERGARTEN wote walipiga picha ya pamoja....
Kwahiyo mwalimu wao akaanza kuwashawishi kwa maneno matamu ili wakawaombe wazazi wao hela ya kila mmoja kununua COPY moja ya picha huku akiwaambia...
"Watoto wazuri, hembu fikirieni mkiwa wakubwa mkiiangalia hii picha kwa furaha na kukumbushana... 'Cheki Cicco, ni daktari cku hizi...' Au mnamuangalia MALINZA na kusema cheki, amekula HAKIMU.... Au mkimcheki...."
Kabla ya mwalimu kumalizia akasikia kisauti kikisisika kwa chini chini...
"Au tunamcheki MWALIMU wetu kwenye picha na kusema, ni MAREHEMU sasa....!!!"
Kwahiyo mwalimu wao akaanza kuwashawishi kwa maneno matamu ili wakawaombe wazazi wao hela ya kila mmoja kununua COPY moja ya picha huku akiwaambia...
"Watoto wazuri, hembu fikirieni mkiwa wakubwa mkiiangalia hii picha kwa furaha na kukumbushana... 'Cheki Cicco, ni daktari cku hizi...' Au mnamuangalia MALINZA na kusema cheki, amekula HAKIMU.... Au mkimcheki...."
Kabla ya mwalimu kumalizia akasikia kisauti kikisisika kwa chini chini...
"Au tunamcheki MWALIMU wetu kwenye picha na kusema, ni MAREHEMU sasa....!!!"
Men...
Dear Men,
Love your galfriend like ROMEO
Fight for her like SPARTACUS
Rescue her like JAMES BOND
Protect her 24Hrs like JACK BAUER
Never cheat on her like TIGER WOODS
Don't beat her like CHRIS BROWN
Sing for her like BRUNO MARS
Even though there are better men keep going after her
like CHELSEA
Never disappoint her like LIVERPOOL
Spend recklessly on her like MANCHESTER CITY
Don't be stingy to her like ARSENAL
And, you will win her heart,19 times over,like
MANCHESTER
UNITED!!
Love your galfriend like ROMEO
Fight for her like SPARTACUS
Rescue her like JAMES BOND
Protect her 24Hrs like JACK BAUER
Never cheat on her like TIGER WOODS
Don't beat her like CHRIS BROWN
Sing for her like BRUNO MARS
Even though there are better men keep going after her
like CHELSEA
Never disappoint her like LIVERPOOL
Spend recklessly on her like MANCHESTER CITY
Don't be stingy to her like ARSENAL
And, you will win her heart,19 times over,like
MANCHESTER
UNITED!!
WAHAYA JAMANI PUNGUZENI MAJIVUNO
Habari! Familia ya bibi na bwana Rwehangira houston wa tandale dar es salaam wanasikitika kutanga kifo cha mtoto wao mpendwa whitney rwehangira houston wa buguruni kwa mnyamani kilichotokea leo asubuhi, mazishi yatafanyika jumamosi nyumbani kwao kanyigo karagwe bukoba, habari ziwafikie Mr. Rutamazibwa wa World bank, mzee Rwehimamu wa Ubalozi wa marekani Canada, mtoto wa marehemu alicia Rwechungura wa Oxford university bila kumsahau house girl wake kokushubira Mugishagwe aliyekuwa ameenda shoping South africa!
STRANGERS JUST CONNECTED ON BBM...CHATTING*
Charmer:::: Hello Sweet Girl
Sweetgal:::: Hi Lover Boy!
Charmer:::: Can I know you more please?
Sweetgal:::: 17, female, sweet lips, bootyliscious and
Delicious, in Dar Es Salaam and you?
Charmer:::: Mmmmmh, I am in love already. I’m 52,
male, 6 pack, big Chest, Dar Es Salaam.
Sweetgal:::: You're 52? OMG! Serious . Same age as my
dad.
Charmer:::: I’m just so into fresh young beautiful girls.
Sweetgal:::: Do you have a wife?
Charmer:::: Yes, but not as sexy as you, I have a
daughter, she is in her bedroom with her friend doing
homework.
Sweetgal:::: Then why do you like young girls?
Charmer:::: I love them because they are beautiful not
to mention sexy and fresh boob and booty
Sweetgal:::: I am also into older men with iPhones, cash
and driving expensive cars.
Charmer:::: I can offer all of that and more.
Sweetgal:::: I think we should meet because you are in
Dar es Salaam and I am also here.
Charmer:::: That would be nice, where do I pick you up
tomorrow with my new G-guard sexy girl?
Sweetgal:::: Tomorrow I am going to school it won’t be
possible.
Charmer:::: Or maybe over the weekend, going to
school is very important.
Sweetgal:::: While still chatting let me continue with
my homework I don’t want my dad to know that i have
a BB, he will be mad at me.
Charmer:::: Which homework is that? maybe I can
assist you.
Sweetgal:::: It's a Biology assignment and my friend
Lucy is assisting me
Charmer:::: Hey, your friend’s name is Lucy?
Sweetgal:::: Yes.
Charmer:::: Exactly where in Dar es Salaam are you?
Sweetgal:::: Chole nia Mzalendo and you?
Charmer:::: Mercy!, is that you???
Sweetgal:::: Dad, is that you???
*...AND YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE REGARDS
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT*
BONGO TAMBARALE HATA WAMAREKANI NA WAJAPANI WAKO NYUMA
Mmarekani, Mjapani na Mtanzania walikutana chuo Kikuu cha Harvard wakaanza kutambiana kuhusu uchaguzi katika nchi zao. Mmarekani akajigamba kwa kusema sisi wamarekani tukishapiga kura, kura zinahesabiwa hapohapo na mashine na tunapata matokeo hapo hapo. Mjapani akajigamba akasema sisi kwetu huna haja ya kusubiri matokeo kwani unaenda nyumbani na tume ya uchaguzi inayatuma matokeo moja kwa moja katika computer yako. Mtanzania akasema mimi nisemeje sasa, Akawaambia yaani nyie mnachukua muda mrefu hivyo, yaani sisi hata kabla ya uchaguzi tunajua mshindi ni nani.
8 Lies of my Mother
8 Lies of my Mother
This story begins when I was a child: I was born poor. Often we hadn't enough to eat. Whenever we had some food, Mother often gave me her portion of rice. While she was transferring her rice into my bowl, she would say "Eat this rice, son! I'm not hungry."
This was Mother's First Lie.
As I grew, Mother gave up her spare time to fish in a river near our house; she hoped that from the fish she caught, she could give me a little bit more nutritious food for my growth. Once she had caught just two fish, she would make fish soup. While I was eating the soup, mother would sit beside me and eat the what was still left on the bone of the fish I had eaten, My heart was touched when I saw it. Once I gave the other fish to her on my chopstick but she immediately refused it and said, "Eat this fish, son! I don't really like fish."
This was Mother's Second Lie.
Then, in order to fund my education, Mother went to a Match Factory to bring home some used matchboxes, which she filled with fresh matchsticks. This helped her get some money to cover our needs. One wintry night I awoke to find Mother filling the matchboxes by candlelight. So I said, "Mother, go to sleep; it's late: you can continue working tomorrow morning." Mother smiled and said "Go to sleep, son! I'm not tired."
This was Mother's Third Lie.
When I had to sit my Final Examination, Mother accompanied me. After dawn, Mother waited for me for hours in the heat of the sun. When the bell rang, I ran to meet her.. Mother embraced me and poured me a glass of tea that she had prepared in a thermos. The tea was not as strong as my Mother's love, Seeing Mother covered with perspiration, I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too. Mother said "Drink, son! I'm not thirsty!".
This was Mother's Fourth Lie.
After Father's death, Mother had to play the role of a single parent. She held on to her former job; she had to fund our needs alone. Our family's life was more complicated. We suffered from starvation. Seeing our family's condition worsening, my kind Uncle who lived near my house came to help us solve our problems big and small. Our other neighbors saw that we were poverty stricken so they often advised my mother to marry again. But Mother refused to remarry saying "I don't need love."
This was Mother's Fifth Lie.
After I had finished my studies and gotten a job, it was time for my old Mother to retire but she carried on going to the market every morning just to sell a few vegetables. I kept sending her money but she was steadfast and even sent the money back to me. She said, "I have enough money."
That was Mother's Sixth Lie.
I continued my part-time studies for my Master's Degree. Funded by the American Corporation for which I worked, I succeeded in my studies. With a big jump in my salary, I decided to bring Mother to enjoy life in America but Mother didn't want to bother her son; she said to me "I'm not used to high living."
That was Mother's Seventh Lie.
In her dotage, Mother was attacked by cancer and had to be hospitalized. Now living far across the ocean, I went home to visit Mother who was bedridden after an operation. Mother tried to smile but I was heartbroken because she was so thin and feeble but Mother said, "Don't cry, son! I'm not in pain."
That was Mother's Eighth Lie.
Telling me this, her eighth lie, she died. YES, MOTHER WAS AN ANGEL! M - O - T - H - E - R
"M" is for the Million things she gave me,
"O" means Only that she's growing old,
"T" is for the Tears she shed to save me,
"H" is for her Heart of gold,
"E" is for her Eyes with love-light shining in them,
"R" means Right, and right she'll always be,
Put them all together, they spell "MOTHER" a word that means the world to me.
For those of you who are lucky to be still blessed with your Mom's presence on Earth, this story is beautiful. For those who aren't so blessed, this is even more beautiful.
daughters-in-law
Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....
They don't come to change the family, they are here to ... ( READ ON !)
The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;
'My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine .'No, I will never do that, never in a million years.'
'What do you mean my child?' asked the father-in-law.
'What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);
Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!
'And what are you here for?' enquired the mother-in-law.
' I'M HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!'
New Wifey
They don't come to change the family, they are here to ... ( READ ON !)
The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;
'My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine .'No, I will never do that, never in a million years.'
'What do you mean my child?' asked the father-in-law.
'What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);
Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!
'And what are you here for?' enquired the mother-in-law.
' I'M HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!'
New Wifey
A Letter from Masawe to Bill Gate...
A Letter from Masawe to Bill Gate...
Dear Mr. Sir BillGates,
This letter is from Masawe of Kibosho Moshi.
We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ******appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field.
We checked with hardware technician Kimaro and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the
password is...
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the "Shut Down" button.
3. There is a button "Start" but there is no "Stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. There is "Find" button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this 'Find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug or virus??
5. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my "Mouse" from CAT, So I suggest you to provide a DOG too to kill that cat.
6. My child learnt "Microsoft Word" now he wants to learn "Microsoft Sentence", so when U will provide that?
7. Lastly, these COMPUTERS of yours don't know ENGLISH at all!!!! When i turn off the machine, instead of saying WINDOWS ARE SHUTTING down, they say WINDOWS IS SHUTTING DOWN... Which English grammar is that???!
All in all,
Best regards,
Masawe.
Dear Mr. Sir BillGates,
This letter is from Masawe of Kibosho Moshi.
We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ******appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field.
We checked with hardware technician Kimaro and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the
password is...
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the "Shut Down" button.
3. There is a button "Start" but there is no "Stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. There is "Find" button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this 'Find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug or virus??
5. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my "Mouse" from CAT, So I suggest you to provide a DOG too to kill that cat.
6. My child learnt "Microsoft Word" now he wants to learn "Microsoft Sentence", so when U will provide that?
7. Lastly, these COMPUTERS of yours don't know ENGLISH at all!!!! When i turn off the machine, instead of saying WINDOWS ARE SHUTTING down, they say WINDOWS IS SHUTTING DOWN... Which English grammar is that???!
All in all,
Best regards,
Masawe.
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