Usafiri wetu wa leo..

Birthday Gift

Girl: tomorrow is my birthday, what are u going to gift me??

Boy: do u see that PINK CAR on the right side of the road?

Girl: yah yah i love it 

boy: i knew u will love it. Am goin to gift u HAIRPINS of the same Colour :)

A first-grade student..

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' 

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. 
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

Halloween Party...

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

A drunk husband

A drunk husband went to pee...

Husband: honey, there is ghost in our toilet!!

Wife: did u see it??

Husband: no! Bt when i open the door the lights goes ON and when i shut the door the lights go OFF...

Wife(interupts): aaargh! U idiot u peed in Refrigirator!

Mmmmh...

Jamaican man

A Jamaican man went to the store and picked up a bottle of juice and a bag of sugar and only paid for the juice and walked out...he got arrested stealing sugar...he went to court,the judge asked him why he stole the sugar...he then replied..."yuh honor,mi nah tief no sugar...mi look pon de back ah de juice an it sey SUGAR FREE so mi nuh undastan wat a gwaan!"

Duuuuh, kazi zingine NOUMER....

Abiria mmoja aliyekaa siti ya nyuma ndani ya Tax alimgusa begani dereva Tax ili amuulize kitu... Ile kumgusa tu, dereva akashtuka na kupiga kelele mpaka akapoteza uelekeo na kunusurika kugonga maduka mawili na kundi la watu...
Dereva: "Daaaaah, umenishtua saaana... Yani kidogo roho initoke.."
Abiria: "Samahani sana... Sikutegemea kama kukugusa kidogo hivyo kungekushtua kiasi hicho, nilitaka tu nikuulize swali..."

Dereva: "Usihofu, si kosa lako... Ni siku yangu ya kwanza kama Dereva Tax.... Kwa miaka 15 nilikuwa mwendesha gari la maiti..." :P :D

Padre na Jogoo wake

Padri alipotelewa na kuku wake(jogoo),ikabidi atangaze kanisani!
Padre:Jamani nani ameona jogoo wangu?
Mke wa shemasi akanyosha kidole.
Padre:Akasema mama hujanielewa....,nasema nani alishaona jogoo wangu akiwika?
Masista na wake wa wazee wa kanisa wakanyosha vidole.
Padre:jamani msinielewe vibaya,nauliza ni nani alimshika jogoo wangu jana jioni akamla?
Binti wa darasa la tatu,akasimama akasema! ...father kumbe kile kidudu ulichonipa nikinyonye jana ktandan kwako unathema ni jogoo?
Kanisa liligeuka Darfur!

Padre na Muuaji

Padri amekaa katika ki-box cha kuungamisha, kanisani hakuna mtu. Mara muumini mmoja akaingia, akapiga magoti upande wa pili na kufanya ishara ya msalaba akaanza kuungama.
"padri naungama dhambi zangu, leo nimefanya dhambi kubwa sana"
"endelea"
"bosi wangu aliniita nyumbani kwake akaniambia amegundua nimeiba shilingi milioni 50, akasema nisipotoa maelezo ya kuitisha atanipeleka polisi. Sasa ukweli mimi naogopa kufungwa, nikatazama huku na huku nikagundua tuko wawili peke yetu, nikachomoa bastola nikamuua. Yesu atanisamehe?"
"utasamehewa"
"Basi wakati nataka kuondoka nikasikia mlango unafunguliwa, kutazama loh, mke wa bosi. Akaniuliza nimemfanya nini mume wake. Kutazama huku na huku nikagundua tuko wawili peke yetu, nikamuua na yeye. Yesu atanisamehe na hiyo?"
"utasamehewa"
"nikatoka nje, nikawasha gari niondoke lakini mlinzi akakataa kufungua geti akasema amesikia kama kishindo hivi! Nikaona ananiwekea kiwingu. Kutazama huku na huku nikagundua tuko wawili peke yetu nikamuua. Yesu atanisamehe?"
"utasamehewa"
"nikajifungulia geti mwenyewe nikaenda nyumbani, wakati napanga kuja kuungama mtoto wa bosi akabisha hodi nikawaza mambo gani tena. Akasema amerudi nyumbani na kukuta yaloyotokea, lakini akanionyesha diary ya baba yake inayoonesha kuwa nilikuwa na appointment naye kabla hajafa. Nikamuuliza nani mwingine anajua, akasema ameanzia kwangu kisha atakwenda polisi.
Nikatazama huku na huku nikagundua tuko wawili peke yetu nikamuua. Diary nikaichoma moto. Yesu atanisamehe na hilo?"
- kimya........
"padri, Yesu atanisamehe kwa hilo?"
- kimya.........
Jamaa kutazama kwenye kibox padri hayupo. Lakini kwenye kona moja akaona kabati la ngou za mapadri kama linatikisika. Kufungua akamuona padri kajificha katikati ya majoho anatetemeka.
"sasa baba mbona umenikimbia?"
padri kwa taabu akajibu
"nilitazama huku na huku nikagundua kuwa tuko wawili peke yetu........"

Majibu ya kukatana stim 2011 toka kwa MAKONDA....

Mlokole: "Nyimbo gani mnapiga?!? Wekeni nyimbo za yesu.."
Konda: "Vunga wewe, Yesu bado hajatoa album..."
********************************

Abiria: "Kuna Kiti au unasema panda tu!?"
Konda: "We taahira nini, hao wengine wamekalia ndoo?! "
*******************************

Abiria: "Embu punguzeni sauti ya redio..."
Konda: "Sheria za nchi tu ziko za kutosha, tusikilize na zako!?"
*******************************

Mmama: "Bwana ondoa gari joto sana!!"
Konda: "Uctuzingue wewe, shuka upande fridge...."
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Konda: "Anti, kuna siti pale nyuma,ingia...."
Anti: "Siwezi kaa siti za nyuma..."
Konda: "Kwenda zako wewe, sio muendaji!!! Kwani za nyuma ziko nje ya gari?!"
********************************

Sister duu: "Konda unanibana bwana..."
Konda: "Zinabanana ndizi haziongei, kama ulitaka kujiachia c ungekoni treni pekeyako!!!"
*******************************

Sharobaro: "Kuna kiti?! Kama hamna sipandi..."
Konda: "Mpuuzi kweli, wa wapi wewe... Kama ulikuwa unaogopa kukosa kiti c ungebeba chako!!?"
**********************************

NEW OMO..

MFEREJINI

Kuna jamaa mmoja alikwenda ofisini J3 macho yake yakiwa mekunduuu!!
Bosi akamuuliza, "wewe kulikoni??"

Jamaa kajibu.."Jpili nlipokuwa kanisani mbele yangu alikaa mmama mmoja mneneeee, sasa tuliposimama wakati wa kuimba nyimbo za sifa, nligundua gauni lake limenasa kwy makalio ( MFEREJINI), sasa nlipoamua kumsaidia nilichomoe, akanitwanga ngumi jicho la kulia"

Bosi akauliza mbona sasa na la kushoto ni jekundu??
Jamaa akajibu.."sasa nlipoona hakupenda mm kulichomoa ktkt ya makalio, nkaamua kulirudishia ndani MFEREJINI kama lilivyokuwa"

Mlevi...

Walevi walikuwa wanasikiliza taarifa ya habari kuhusu mambo ua uzazi nchini China; Msomaji wa habari alikuwa anaelezea kama ifuatavyo: Uko Uchina kila dakika moja kunazaliwa mtoto...!

Mlevi: he!he!he! ndio ujuwe hao watu wameendelea na ndo kuna wanaume na wanawake wa shoka huko, sio wanawake wetu hapa wanabeba mimba kila miezi tisa ndo mana tupo nyuma...!

Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick
will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the
road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still!
If you take one more step a car will run over you and
you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came
careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where
are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you
when I got married?"

Somebody from somewhere!

Jamaa mmoja alioa mwanamke aliyekwisha kuolewa na kuachika na wanaume wawili.Cha ajabu huyu mwanamke alikuwa bikra bado.Jamaa akaamua kumuulizia,imekuwaje aolewe na kuachika mara mbili na bado ana bikra?.Mke akajibu;Mume wangu wa kwanza alikuwa muuza ice cream,alikuwa ananiramba tu.....Mume wangu wa pili alikuwa ni mpiga picha,alikuwa ananipiga picha tu.Mume akajibu;basi kwangu kazi unayo mama,mimi ni MZIBUA VYOO

The recommendation letter...

THE RECOMMENDATION
One day, an employee requests for a recommendation letter from his boss and his boss writes in lines as follows

1 Ema Kunya, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Ema works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Ema never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Ema is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite if high accomplishment and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Ema can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type that can not be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Ema be
12 promoted to executive management and a proposal will bne
13 executed as possible.

Immediately after the Boss giving the recommendation, he writes

ADDENDUM
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Now that he is gone, KINDLY RE- READ ONLY THE ODD NUMBERED LINES

A Daladala Driver

A Priest dies and waits in line at the Gates of Heaven. Just ahead of him is a guy in casual Jeans and T-Shirt.The Angel addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Masumbuko , a Daladala driver from Dar Es Salaam .

"The Angel consults his list, smiles and says to Masumbuko, "Enter into the Paradise." So the Tanzanian Daladala driver enters Heaven and the Priest is now next in line.

Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Father Alphonse Masawe of St.John Cathedral of Moshi for the last 43 years."The Angel once again consults his list and says, "I am sorry, you are on waiting list. You have to pass some tests before you get entry to the Kingdom of Heaven.

"The Priest says, "Just a minute. That man was a Daladala driver, and you issued him an instant entry. But I have to go through more tests. How can this be?"The Angel replies, "Father, I am sorry but up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed

Majina ya viongozi na celebrities wetu yakiandikwa kizungu

1. John pombe magufuli = John Beer Locks
2. Mama Mwanamwema shema = Mama Goodson Shein
3. Zitto Kabwe = Heavy Kabwe
4. ukiwaona ditopile = If you see them Ditopile
5. shukuru Kawambwa = Thanks overlay
6. Yusufu Makamba = Yusuf Marope

A Rude Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

Why Students Fail..

Source: Yaoo network


It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year has ONLY 365' days.


Typical academic year for a student.


1. Sundays-52,Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest.
Days left 313.


2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.
Days left 263.


3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 130 days.
Days left 141.


4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days.


Days left 126.


5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies(chew properly & eat)-means 30days.


Days left 96.


6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days !


Days left 81.


7. Exam days per year atleast 35 days.
Days left 46.


8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.


Balance 6 days.


9. For sickness atleast 3 days.
Remaining days 3.


10. Movies and functions atleast 2 days.


1 day left.


11. That 1 day is your birthday. "How can you study at that day?"


Balance days 0


"How can a student PASS???

Mwanaume kazini...

Mafather outing...

Mafaza wawili wa kikatoliki walikwenda kula bata visiwa fulani vya starehe, ili wasishitukiwe wakaamua kuingia duka moja na kuchagua swaga za kipededjee wakatupia hadi bichi, kidogo akakatisha demu mmoja kavaa kibikini kdogo sana wale mapadre wakammezea mate wakamtolea mijicho. Basi yule demu akawasalimu mmojammoja, Shikamoo faza. wakashangaa katujueje. Kesho yake wakabadili swaga demu yule akawasalimu tena vilevile. wakaamua kumuuliza amewajuaje. Demu akajibu inamaana mmenisahau mi ni Sista Scola. 

"JAMANI UKIWA MWIZI BASI USIWE MWOGA"

Unajua kwa nn...??? bac isome hii.
Ni ktk mitaa flan hiv mzee m1 anakatisha ktk kijiwe flan mara kufika mbele anajipiga sachi haoni simu yake kumbe amedondosh hapo kijiwen na machiz wakaibana. kilichofata ikabid arudi nyuma mpaka hapo kijiwen kisha akawauliz vijan hamjaokota sim.., wa2 hapan mzee, wakauliza kwan niyaumuhim sana, mzee akajib ndiyo ila kwa vile hamjaiona bac ngoja nikafanye km babu alivyofanya alipoibiwa kanzu yake. mzee akasepa, vijan woga m2pu anaenda kufanya dumba nn??, mara wakamwita mzee samahan sim yako ndio hii, mzee haswaaa ndo yenyew, vijan wakataka kujua kwan babu yako alifanya nn alipoibiwa kanzu yak.? yule mzee akawajib alienda dukan kununua kanzu mpya na mm nilikua naelekea dukan nikanunue sim nyingine. vijan wakasema..haaaaa mzee sio sim yako 2likutania.
so smetym uoga co ishuuuuuu bt don try...

MATANI YA WAKENYA...

1. Ati wee ni m-black
mpaka ukiingia kwa
dinga, dirisha zinakuwa tinted! 
2. Kwenu kuchafu
mpaka mende zinatema
mate, ati ‘THU’ hii hao (HOUSE) ni noma.
3. Vile
wewe mfupi, ukipigwa picha ya passport inatokea full.
4. Kwenu nyi wakristu hata
dogi zenu zikiona
mwizi anaiba, zinawaambia “wee iba tu Mungu
anakuona.”
5. Ati hao(house) yenu ina gate lakini
hakuna
fence.
6. We' ni mshort mpaka ukikalia kwa pavement
(sakafuni) miguu ina hang kwa hewa.
7. We mjinga mpaka ulifail blood test.
8. Wewe ni
mblack mpaka mosquito ikitaka
kukuuma lazima itumie torch.
9. We ni mrefu
mpaka ukikunywa maziwa inafika kwa tumbo ikiwa mala (MGANDO/
MTINDI) .
10. Wewe ni mweusi ukikanyanga makaa
unawacha footprint za blak kwa makaa.
11.
Nyanyako(bibi yako) mzee mpaka chawa
za nywele yake hutembea na bakora.
12. Ati nyinyi ni wengi nyumbani kwenyu
yaani buda(baba) yenu hajui majina mpaka
huwa
address kama wananchi. (KAMA RAISI
ANAPOTOA HOTUBA)
13. TV yenyu ni Ndogo
lazima ufunge jicho moja ndio uone picha.
14. Wewe mblack mpaka
unasweat soot.
15. Wewe mnono mpaka ukivaa
yellow watoto
wanafikiria ni schoolbus.
16. Manzii wako ni m
ugly mpaka alikataliwa ku
act horror(movie ya kutisha) Hollywood.
17. Nyumba yenyu ni ndogo mpaka lazima
utoke nje kuchange mind.
18. Kwenyu nyinyi ni
wengi mpaka kwa hao
(house) kuna round-about.
19. Kwenyu nyinyi ni
wa daft (WAJINGA)
mpaka kupata driving license ilibidi mpelekwe boarding school.
20. Nywele za watoto wenyu ni ngumu mpaka
mnazitumianga kama steel wool.
21. Mko wengi
kwa hao(house) mpaka kuna
rush hours na kukinyesha kunakuwa na jam.
22. Wewe ni mshort mpaka ukishuka kutoka
kwa zile vitanda double decker lazima utumie
parachute.
23. Ati TV yenu ni ndogo hadi wasee
wa news
huanza kwa kusema ..ati Munatuona jamani?
24.Sistaako ni ugly mpaka monkey ikampatia ndizi.
25. We mblack mpaka ukikutana na mzungu
afternoon anakushow good evening?
26. Ngombe
yenu mzee mpaka inatoanga
yogurt
27. Kwenu kumekauka mpaka ngombe
yenu
hutoa milk powder.
28. Wee ni mzee mpaka ukiumwa na mosquito
zina tema mate
29. Paka yenu noma mpaka iki
shika panya
inaitisha chumvi, fork na pilipili.
30. Kwenu nyinyi ni wengi mpaka mkipigwa family photo wengine wanatokea kama wame hang(ning’inia) kwa frame.
31. TV yenu ndogo
mpaka wasee wa News
(watangazaji wa habari) wame piga magoti.
32. We mrefu mpaka ukianza kuvaa underwear mbichi by the time ifike kwa magoti
ime kauka.
33. Nyumba yenu ni chafu mpaka cockroach
huvaa slippers(malapa) .
34. Budako(baba yako) ni ****, alienda ku buy ngombe akaona ikikojoa akasema, sitaki hiyo, imetoboka.

Mama na Bintie

Binti:Mama wale
mateja watu wabaya xana MAMA:wamekufanyaje mwanangu? BINTI:Niliwaomba waniangulie maembe mtini
wakaniambia nipande mwenyewe MAMA:Pumbafu zao walitaka wakuchungilie chuPI
YAKO BINTI:WEEE¡,unadhan me cna akili? MAMA:ulifanyaje? BINTI:Niliwakomesha,niliivua chupi nikaificha
mfukönii..."

Best STUDENT

Da guy n da doctor

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help
me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I
have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a
day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but
thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,"
says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor.
"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man.
"Twice a day."

MKALIMANI

kutana na mkalimani huyu siku ya maombi katika kanisa fulan
mzungu: today i want to give you a story
malimani: leo ninataka kuwapa mtori
mzungu: jesus is about to come back
mkalimani: yesu yuko round about ya kigogo anakaribia kurudi nyuma
mzungu: i tell you once again jesus is a messiah
mkalimani: nawaambia tena yesu ni mmasai...........

Airplane

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the

First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and

it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty

minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First

Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed

Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese

not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,

Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty

minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like

Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The

Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,

Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

MMASAI MSIBANI

Mmasai akapewa kipaza sauti kwenye msiba wa marehemu rafiki yake akaambiwa aseme machache,alichosema ni hivi:-" Msiba oyeee,Jenesa Safi,Maiti safi!! Amependesa... ajapendesa?Mwenye wifu akufe kama ii Laiyoni!!

Chepe na Computer

Ebwana daaaaah!!!!! CHEPE alikuwa anamlalamikia rafiki yake kuwa Kiganja chake kinamuuma sana, inabidi akamuone daktari....

Rafiki yake akamjibu...
"Haina haja ya daktari.. Kuna computer mashine moja inaweza gundua tatizo lako na kukushauri haraka na kwa gharama nafuu zaidi ya kwa daktari...

Cha kufanya we beba kwenye kichupa kiasi kidogo cha haja ndogo na atakutatulia tatizo lako kwa 10,000/= tuu!!!"

Chepe kuona hivyo hakutaka poteza muda... Akabeba kiasi cha mkojo na kwenda kuonana na hiyo computer...

Baada ya kukabidhi, ile Computer ikaanza kuunguruma kwa dk. 1, ikabeep na kutoa kikaratasi cha majibu yake kilichosema....

**************************************
TATIZO:
-Unauvimbe ndani ya kiganja.
TIBA:
-Hakikisha unakanda kiganja chako na maji ya moto kila siku na epuka kukitumia hicho kiganja kwa kazi yoyote ile mpaka upone..
-Utapona ndani ya wiki moja!!
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Daaah, Chepe akatoka haamini hiyo technolojia mpya na jinsi inavyoweza fanya kazi... Akawaza na kusema...
"Haiwezekani... Siamini kabisa, ngoja niitegee mtego tuone kama ni kweli iko fit au utapeli tuu..."

Siku iliyofuata Chepe akaamua kumix maji ya bomba, mkojo wa mbwa wake, kiasi cha mkojo wa mke wake na wa mwanae... Akaona haitoshi akaamua kumasturbate humo humo ili kuikomoa ile Computer!!

Akaenda tena kwa ile Computer, akakabidhi pamoja na elfu kumi na kusubiri majibu... Computer kama kawaida ikanguruma dk. 1, ikabeep na kumpa majibu yake:

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TATIZO 1.
-Maji yako ya bomba si salama, ukinywa utapata kipindupindu.
TIBA
-Hakikisha unayachemsha kabla ya kunywa...

TATIZO 2.
-Mbwa wako anagonorrhea!!
TIBA
-Anza kumpa dawa ya ant-bacterium Neisseria!!

TATIZO 3.
-Mtoto wako anatumia cocaine na madawa mengine ya kulevya.
TIBA
-Mpeleke kwa washahuri nasaha kabla hajawa teja..

TATIZO 4.
-Mkeo anamimba, watoto mapacha!
TIBA
-Pole sana, Jiandae kulea mapacha ambao si wako!!

TATIZO 5.
-Kiganja chako kina uvimbe.
TIBA
-Usipoacha kumasturbate, hicho kiganja chako hakita pona KAMWE!!

NB: Ongeza hela kwa sababu nimetafiti sample tano, sample ya MAJI, MBWA, MKEO, MWANAO na WEWE. Jumla 50,000/=!!!!
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***Copy write protected by Da Legendary Jason***

BIBI NA MENEJA WA BENKI

kuna bb m1 alienda benk kufungua account bt alivyofka benk akawa anataka aonane na manager kwanza....customer servic wakamzuia wakidai boss yupo busy hatak kuonana na m2 by dt tym...wakat mzozo unaendelea manager akatoka oficn kwake akamwta yule bb amsaidie shda yake...bb akaenda ofcn na manager maongez yakawa hv..
MANAGER:unashda gan bib
BIB: nataka kufungua account,nweke milion 30 zangu
MANAGER: mmmh mbona unaonekana mzee xana pesa zote umeztoa wap?
BIB: Nimezpata kweny mchezo wa kupnga, hata ww ukitaka 2naweza pinga 2
MANAGER: mmh 2napingaje kwan?
BIB: aah rahis sana, mm naweka hzo milion 30 na ww weka hzo hzo,mpk kesho sa nne asubuh sehem zako za sir zitakua ngumu sana kama mawe...zcipokua hvyo umenila zkiwa nmekula ww...
MANAGER:mmmh sawa hamna shda,2mepnga
kesho yake asubuh saa nne yule bb alikuja na mzee mwngne pale benk...manager alivyomuona bb akamwambia bb umeliwa sehem zang za sir zpo km kawaida
BIB: sawa mjukuu wang xa mm ntaaminije bila kuzshika..?
MANAGER: njoo 2 uhakikishe bib...
bib akaenda akaanza kumshika yule manager sehem za sir...wakat anamshika vle yule mzee aliekuja nae akawa ameshka kichwa huku anatukana
manager akamuulza bib vip mbona yule mzee uliyekuja nae kawa vile....?
Bib akamjibu yule nilpnga nae kwa milion 80 kuwa naweza kumshika manager wa benk sehem zake za siri akabsha ndo nikapnga nae...xo kashaliwa pale

HASARA YA KUZAA NJE YA NDOA

Kuna kijana alikua anataka kuoa akamwabia baba yake kaniposee msichana fulani babake akamwambia tafuta kwingine yule ni dadako ila mamako hajui usmwambie, Kijana akatafuta mwingine baba akamwambia na huyo ni dadako ila mamako hajui watatu tena hivyo hivyo kijana akamind akamwambia mamake, mamake akamwambia kaoe yoyote kati yao yeye huyo si babako ila ye hajui.

MMASAI NA MUUZA DUKA..

Mmasai kuona bei ya sukari akaahirisha kunywa chai kwake. Siku kapita hotelini
MMASAI: Chai sh. ngapi?
MUUZAJI: sh. 100 kikombe.
MMASAI: Nipe kikombe kimoja
(mhudumu kaleta chai na sukari kwenye kibakuli)
MMASAI: kwani hii sukari nayo inauzwa? mi nimesema chai kikombe ki1
MHUDUMU: hapana sukari ni bure, hatuuzi.
MMASAI: he! kumbe! mimi imeacha kunywa chai siku nyingi ati sukari imepanda bei, nyie mnatoa bure kumbe? haya PIMA KILO MBILI HAPA! 

WABONDEI

‎"Wabondei 2

walipanga kwenda kuiba duka la dhahabu,

usiku ulipoingia wakaenda na kuiba dhahabu

zote, cha kushangaza asubuhi polisi

walipokuja walimkuta mmoja pale dukani ,

walipomuuliza akawaambia mimi na

mwenzangu tumegawana yeye achukue

dhahabu mimi nichukue duka."

Saudi arabia woman football team.

In POLICE station...

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before...

"You'll get your chance in court..." 

Said the desk sergeant...

"No, no, no!" insisted the man.

"I want to know how da hell he got into the house without waking my wife... I've been trying to do that for years but she wakes up and accuses me of having sex with someone!!!!"

Buda..

Buda mmoja alikua kaketi vibaya nakikoi chake,aliekua mbele alikua ni mkewe mpendwa.sasa mkewe akagundua ka jamaa ana makende matatu, mke akashutuka papo hapo akaomba talaka yake.

Mume...mbona mapema imekuaje sasa sweaty?

Mke..hapana nipe talaka we c binadamu kamili,binadamu gani ana makende matatu aka!staki hatkukuona..

Buda alipozidiwa akakubali kinyonge kisha akamtel mkewe alipokuaa akusanya virogo mpitie Alii umpe ushahidi kama waondoka.Mke sawa

mke alipotoka jamaa akampigia Alii "Oya wyf ameshtukizia mueka sawa arudi bado nampenda bro.Alii "aaaah poa.

Wyf alipofika kwa Ali,Alii akauliza mbona mapema shem?,Mke akamueleza yoote hakubakisha.

alii Dah wachanimpigie shahidi yangu kwamba nashuudia waondoka.

Mbele ya yule mke akapiga simu"Oyaa ni we Kasim makende sita? Noma mtel makende ma4 kwamba makende ma3 ameachwa na mkewe,Alafu uje kwangu na huyo makende7 namdai sina hata tikiki ya Mombasa,na usimwambie huyo makende5 anapenda vya bure sana poa?

Jamaa poa

Dah mke aliposkia kuna mpaka makende saba ilibidi arudi akisema "mh bora huko kwa tatu.....

‎"Sijui leo ntavua WANGAPI..."

Mr. Bean...

Interviewer: "Mr. Bean, where were u born?!?"

Mr. Bean: "Oooh, in AMERICA.."

Interviewer: "Owky America.. Which part?!"

Mr. Bean: " Shiiiiiiit!!!! Are u insane??! What do you mean which part?!? My whole body was born there!!!"

Fire wakiupdate FACEBOOK picture yao kabla ya kuanza kazi!!!!! CHEEEEEEEEEERS..

SIKIA HII INAHUSIKA PIA.....

• Katika daladala mama mmoja alitaka kumnyonyesha mtoto wake,mtoto akakataa! mama akamwambia mtoto''nyonya kama hutaki nampa anko anyonye''(Anko ni kaka mmoja abiria aliyekaa na huyo mama pembeni)Mtoto akanyonya kidogo akaacha! Mama akamtishia tena mtoto kumpa anko anyonye! Ndipo yule kaka kwa hamaki akasema ''Mama uwe na msimamo basi,unajua nimepitiliza vituo vinne kwa ajili yako,hebu kuwa mkweli,utanipa ninyonye au nishuke?....''

NAITWA ZAITUNI

• Jambazi lilivamia familia moja na kutaka kuwaua, kabla ya kutiza azma yake alitaka kujua kwanza majina yao, JAMBAZI we mwanamke unaitwa nani? MWANAMKE naitwa ZAITUNI ! JAMBAZI we umesalimika coz jina lako linafanana na la mama yangu...JAMBAZI na wewe mwanaume? MWANAUME naitwa SAIDI ila kazini wananita ZAITUNI !!

FATAKI KAZINI

KASUKU

• Mfugaji wa kasuku alimrudisha kasuku kwa muuzaji ampe mwingine kwani anatukana matusi Muuzaji kampa mwingine kamwambia huyu mstaarabu tena akinyanyua mguu wa kulia anaongea kiingereza akinyanyua wa kushoto anaongea kihindi, Jamaa akauliza akinyanyua yote je? Kasuku akadakia "mjinga nini wee si nitaanguka hapo!"

Wa2 bwana wanamaswali ya kijinga me ntakuwa nawajibu hivi...

Q: When people see you lying down with your

eyes closed they still ask "are you sleeping?"

A: No! I am training to die.

Q: Its raining outside and some1 notices you

going out "Are you going out in this rain?"

A: No! In the next one...

Q: Your friend calls your home phone "Where

are you?"

A: At the bus stop

Q: They see you wet coming from the

bathroom "Did you just have a bath?"

A: No, I fell into the toilet bowl!!

Q: You are standing in front of the elevator on

the ground floor "Are you going up?"

A: No, i am waiting for my apartment to come

down and get me!

Q: You are on the que to buy cinema's ticket, a

friend sees you and asks "What are you doing

here?"

A: I'm here to pay my university fees!!!

under a car repairing. Qn

watengeza gari ...Ans hapana

naangalia kama niya kiume ama ya

kike