A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before...
"You'll get your chance in court..."
Said the desk sergeant...
"No, no, no!" insisted the man.
"I want to know how da hell he got into the house without waking my wife... I've been trying to do that for years but she wakes up and accuses me of having sex with someone!!!!"
Another Jason Nchimbi's BLOG...
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Mr. Bean
Interviewer: "Mr. Bean, where were u born?!?"
Mr. Bean: "Oooh, in AMERICA.."
Interviewer: "Owky America.. Which part?!"
Mr. Bean: " Shiiiiiiit!!!! Are u insane??! What do you mean which part?!? My whole body was born there!!!"
Mr. Bean: "Oooh, in AMERICA.."
Interviewer: "Owky America.. Which part?!"
Mr. Bean: " Shiiiiiiit!!!! Are u insane??! What do you mean which part?!? My whole body was born there!!!"
Jamaa alikutana na msichan akampenda.
Jamaa alikutana na msichan akampenda. Sasas akawa anataka long kiss (mate)
msichana akakubali. Wakaanza,lakini wakati wanapata long kiss mvulana akamwambia "Subiri kwanza mbona kuna chembechembe za maharage, dagaa kwenye mdomo wako? Msichan akajibu " okk! Nilitoka kutapika muda si mrefu samahan my love ................
UNGEFANYAJE KAMA NI WEWE?
msichana akakubali. Wakaanza,lakini wakati wanapata long kiss mvulana akamwambia "Subiri kwanza mbona kuna chembechembe za maharage, dagaa kwenye mdomo wako? Msichan akajibu " okk! Nilitoka kutapika muda si mrefu samahan my love ................
UNGEFANYAJE KAMA NI WEWE?
LETTER TO JOHN IN DSM -
LETTER TO JOHN IN DSM -
THE ENDING IS JUST MAGIC.Dear Sir/MadamI acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 13 Jan 2012 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honorable and important as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.I hope that yours will come out shortly.Sincerely Yours,SiphoPS: I regret to inform you that, given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.
THE ENDING IS JUST MAGIC.Dear Sir/MadamI acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 13 Jan 2012 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honorable and important as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.I hope that yours will come out shortly.Sincerely Yours,SiphoPS: I regret to inform you that, given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.
how to make a gal happy?
how to make a gal happy?
It's not at all difficult to make girls happy.
U only
need to be ..
1. A friend
2. Companion
3. Lover
4. Chef
5. Electrician
6. Carpenter
7. Plumber
8. Mechanic
9. Decorator
10. Compassionate
11. Gentle
.
.
.
.
312. Good listener
313. Organizer
314. Good boyfriend
315. Very clean
316. Sympathetic
317. Athletic
318. Warm
319. Caring
.
.
.
1054. Courageous
1055. Determined
1056. True
1057. Dependable
1058. Intelligent
.
.
.
10013. Psychologist
10014. Pest exterminator
10015. Psychiatrist
10016. Healer
.
.
3110010. Stylist
3110011. Driver
Datz it .. :p
It's not at all difficult to make girls happy.
U only
need to be ..
1. A friend
2. Companion
3. Lover
4. Chef
5. Electrician
6. Carpenter
7. Plumber
8. Mechanic
9. Decorator
10. Compassionate
11. Gentle
.
.
.
.
312. Good listener
313. Organizer
314. Good boyfriend
315. Very clean
316. Sympathetic
317. Athletic
318. Warm
319. Caring
.
.
.
1054. Courageous
1055. Determined
1056. True
1057. Dependable
1058. Intelligent
.
.
.
10013. Psychologist
10014. Pest exterminator
10015. Psychiatrist
10016. Healer
.
.
3110010. Stylist
3110011. Driver
Datz it .. :p
An airplane takes off from the airport
An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."
Machizi
Machizi wameambiwa na mwalimu wao wachore treni na linapita kwenye reli yake... Wakachora sasa mwalimu akasema ngoja acheki mwisho wa darasa akamkuta chizi mmoja kachora reli peke yake akamuuliza kwanini umechora reli pekeyake akasema umechelewa kidogo2 limeshaondoka kwani hukusikia honi huko nje?
2 wanafunzi were fighting after exam.
2 wanafunzi were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Mwanafunzi: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Mwanafunzi: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we
both copied.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Mwanafunzi: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Mwanafunzi: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we
both copied.
mashindano ya watu wa fupi duniani
Kulikuwa na mashindano ya watu wa fupi duniani. Kuna jamaa mmoja akaamua kwenda kushiriki akiamini yeye ndiye mfupi kuliko wote. Mara alipofika mlangoni akakutana na jamaa yupo ndani ya kiberiti amenyoosha mikono na bado haonekani. Jamaa akauliza kulikoni unaatoka mapema?? Jamaa akajibu huko ndani mpambano ni mgumu kuna jamaa amekaa kwenye kiwembe na miguu haijafika chini....!!!
A pastor was driving alone at a highway, then a traffic police stoped him.
A pastor was driving alone at a highway, then a traffic police stoped him.
Pastor: yes officer?
Police: can i have ur papers
pastor: here they r.
Police: mh!
(after opening and checking everything, the police couldn't find any wrong. Bt the police was desperate to charge him)
police: u said u r a pastor. Why r u driving without a bible?
Pastor: here it is. I usually walk wit ma pocket Bible.
(police took the bible)
police: ok pastor. Am goin to charge u of drivin alone cuz i dnt knw why u r driving alone this night, what if u get hijacked or a broblem who will help u??
Pastor: am not alone my son. I walk wit Angel Gabriel, Angel Michael, Angel Raphael and 5 other protective Angels. Am safe my son
.
.
.
Police: then i guess i've to charge for overloading.
Pastor: yes officer?
Police: can i have ur papers
pastor: here they r.
Police: mh!
(after opening and checking everything, the police couldn't find any wrong. Bt the police was desperate to charge him)
police: u said u r a pastor. Why r u driving without a bible?
Pastor: here it is. I usually walk wit ma pocket Bible.
(police took the bible)
police: ok pastor. Am goin to charge u of drivin alone cuz i dnt knw why u r driving alone this night, what if u get hijacked or a broblem who will help u??
Pastor: am not alone my son. I walk wit Angel Gabriel, Angel Michael, Angel Raphael and 5 other protective Angels. Am safe my son
.
.
.
Police: then i guess i've to charge for overloading.
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
One day, she went to his parent's house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture...
While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before...
She asks the boy,
"What are they doing?"
He says,
"They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?"
"Oh, uh, that's his rope,"
He answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" She asked...
He says, "Those r his knots."
She says,
"Oh, OK, I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a man's house and go in....
She looks at him and says,
"I want you to make love to me the way those animals were..."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees...
While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes...
"Whoa, what are you doing?" He shouts!!!
The girl innocently replies,
"I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!!! The rope z too short!!!"
One day, she went to his parent's house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture...
While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before...
She asks the boy,
"What are they doing?"
He says,
"They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?"
"Oh, uh, that's his rope,"
He answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" She asked...
He says, "Those r his knots."
She says,
"Oh, OK, I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a man's house and go in....
She looks at him and says,
"I want you to make love to me the way those animals were..."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees...
While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes...
"Whoa, what are you doing?" He shouts!!!
The girl innocently replies,
"I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!!! The rope z too short!!!"
CHEPE alikuwa anamlalamikia rafiki yake
Ebwana daaaaah!!!!! CHEPE alikuwa anamlalamikia rafiki yake kuwa Kiganja chake kinamuuma sana, inabidi akamuone daktari....
Rafiki yake akamjibu...
"Haina haja ya daktari.. Kuna computer mashine moja inaweza gundua tatizo lako na kukushauri haraka na kwa gharama nafuu zaidi ya kwa daktari...
Cha kufanya we beba kwenye kichupa kiasi kidogo cha haja ndogo na atakutatulia tatizo lako kwa 10,000/= tuu!!!"
Chepe kuona hivyo hakutaka poteza muda... Akabeba kiasi cha mkojo na kwenda kuonana na hiyo computer...
Baada ya kukabidhi, ile Computer ikaanza kuunguruma kwa dk. 1, ikabeep na kutoa kikaratasi cha majibu yake kilichosema....
******************************
TATIZO:
-Unauvimbe ndani ya kiganja.
TIBA:
-Hakikisha unakanda kiganja chako na maji ya moto kila siku na epuka kukitumia hicho kiganja kwa kazi yoyote ile mpaka upone..
-Utapona ndani ya wiki moja!!
******************************
Daaah, Chepe akatoka haamini hiyo technolojia mpya na jinsi inavyoweza fanya kazi... Akawaza na kusema...
"Haiwezekani... Siamini kabisa, ngoja niitegee mtego tuone kama ni kweli iko fit au utapeli tuu..."
Siku iliyofuata Chepe akaamua kumix maji ya bomba, mkojo wa mbwa wake, kiasi cha mkojo wa mke wake na wa mwanae... Akaona haitoshi akaamua kumasturbate humo humo ili kuikomoa ile Computer!!
Akaenda tena kwa ile Computer, akakabidhi pamoja na elfu kumi na kusubiri majibu... Computer kama kawaida ikanguruma dk. 1, ikabeep na kumpa majibu yake:
******************************
TATIZO 1.
-Maji yako ya bomba si salama, ukinywa utapata kipindupindu.
TIBA
-Hakikisha unayachemsha kabla ya kunywa...
TATIZO 2.
-Mbwa wako anagonorrhea!!
TIBA
-Anza kumpa dawa ya ant-bacterium Neisseria!!
TATIZO 3.
-Mtoto wako anatumia cocaine na madawa mengine ya kulevya.
TIBA
-Mpeleke kwa washahuri nasaha kabla hajawa teja..
TATIZO 4.
-Mkeo anamimba, watoto mapacha!
TIBA
-Pole sana, Jiandae kulea mapacha ambao si wako!!
TATIZO 5.
-Kiganja chako kina uvimbe.
TIBA
-Usipoacha kumasturbate, hicho kiganja chako hakita pona KAMWE!!
NB: Ongeza hela kwa sababu nimetafiti sample tano, sample ya MAJI, MBWA, MKEO, MWANAO na WEWE. Jumla 50,000/=!!!!
******************************
***Copy write protected by Da Legendary Jason***
Rafiki yake akamjibu...
"Haina haja ya daktari.. Kuna computer mashine moja inaweza gundua tatizo lako na kukushauri haraka na kwa gharama nafuu zaidi ya kwa daktari...
Cha kufanya we beba kwenye kichupa kiasi kidogo cha haja ndogo na atakutatulia tatizo lako kwa 10,000/= tuu!!!"
Chepe kuona hivyo hakutaka poteza muda... Akabeba kiasi cha mkojo na kwenda kuonana na hiyo computer...
Baada ya kukabidhi, ile Computer ikaanza kuunguruma kwa dk. 1, ikabeep na kutoa kikaratasi cha majibu yake kilichosema....
******************************
TATIZO:
-Unauvimbe ndani ya kiganja.
TIBA:
-Hakikisha unakanda kiganja chako na maji ya moto kila siku na epuka kukitumia hicho kiganja kwa kazi yoyote ile mpaka upone..
-Utapona ndani ya wiki moja!!
******************************
Daaah, Chepe akatoka haamini hiyo technolojia mpya na jinsi inavyoweza fanya kazi... Akawaza na kusema...
"Haiwezekani... Siamini kabisa, ngoja niitegee mtego tuone kama ni kweli iko fit au utapeli tuu..."
Siku iliyofuata Chepe akaamua kumix maji ya bomba, mkojo wa mbwa wake, kiasi cha mkojo wa mke wake na wa mwanae... Akaona haitoshi akaamua kumasturbate humo humo ili kuikomoa ile Computer!!
Akaenda tena kwa ile Computer, akakabidhi pamoja na elfu kumi na kusubiri majibu... Computer kama kawaida ikanguruma dk. 1, ikabeep na kumpa majibu yake:
******************************
TATIZO 1.
-Maji yako ya bomba si salama, ukinywa utapata kipindupindu.
TIBA
-Hakikisha unayachemsha kabla ya kunywa...
TATIZO 2.
-Mbwa wako anagonorrhea!!
TIBA
-Anza kumpa dawa ya ant-bacterium Neisseria!!
TATIZO 3.
-Mtoto wako anatumia cocaine na madawa mengine ya kulevya.
TIBA
-Mpeleke kwa washahuri nasaha kabla hajawa teja..
TATIZO 4.
-Mkeo anamimba, watoto mapacha!
TIBA
-Pole sana, Jiandae kulea mapacha ambao si wako!!
TATIZO 5.
-Kiganja chako kina uvimbe.
TIBA
-Usipoacha kumasturbate, hicho kiganja chako hakita pona KAMWE!!
NB: Ongeza hela kwa sababu nimetafiti sample tano, sample ya MAJI, MBWA, MKEO, MWANAO na WEWE. Jumla 50,000/=!!!!
******************************
***Copy write protected by Da Legendary Jason***
Bubba and his lover
Bubba and his lover went to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them duing anythn wrong.... Hence, they had sex the whole noon in-front of the doctor...
While they were getting dressed the doctor told Bubba...
"Well, I didn't see anything wrong!!!"
Thus, Bubba and his wife left.
A week later Bubba and his wife came again and ask the doctor to watch and see if they were duing anythn wrong again...
They had sex and the doctor says,
"Woooow, again i didn't see anythn wrong... You guys know very well how to make love..."
This went out for weeks...
At last the doctor had enough and decided to ask Bubba why they kept out coming while there was nothing wrong...??!
Hence Bubba replied...
"I am so sorry Doctor, the problem is, if we go to her house her husband will catch us... If we go to ma house ma wife will catch us... Also on streets, there are police... Hotels cost fifty dollars... Here it's only 5 dollars for doctor's checkup advice...!!!"
While they were getting dressed the doctor told Bubba...
"Well, I didn't see anything wrong!!!"
Thus, Bubba and his wife left.
A week later Bubba and his wife came again and ask the doctor to watch and see if they were duing anythn wrong again...
They had sex and the doctor says,
"Woooow, again i didn't see anythn wrong... You guys know very well how to make love..."
This went out for weeks...
At last the doctor had enough and decided to ask Bubba why they kept out coming while there was nothing wrong...??!
Hence Bubba replied...
"I am so sorry Doctor, the problem is, if we go to her house her husband will catch us... If we go to ma house ma wife will catch us... Also on streets, there are police... Hotels cost fifty dollars... Here it's only 5 dollars for doctor's checkup advice...!!!"
nyani alichoka kuishi
Siku moja nyani alichoka kuishi akatafuta all means ya kujiua akashindwa!akamfata simba alielala na kumchokoza ili aliwe afe!basi alienda akamtia kidole" NYUMA"mpka simba akaamka.simba akauliza..ni nan huyo?NYANI:ni mimi..!simba akauliza,kuna yeyote kaona?NYAN:hapana..!SIMBA:basi
Machiz wakiwa katka vpmo
Machiz wakiwa katka vpmo,akaitwa wa chz kwanza Dokta:hv ww ukpewa ndizi utafanyaje?? CHIZI 1:ntaiosha DOKTA:halafu...?? CHIZI 1:ntaimenya,ntaiweka kwny sahan halfu ntaila........akaitwa wa pili kumbe yule wa pili aliibia majbu ya mwenzie bac kaz ikawa hv DOKTA:wewe ukipewa baiskel utaifanyaje..?CHIZI 2:ntaichukua DOKTA:halafu..?? CHIZI:ntaiosha ntaiweka kwny sahan halfu ntaila...........dokta hoiiii
12 TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK We all have one of each of these types of friends on our list:
12 TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK We all have one of each of these types of friends on our list:
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public. ...
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8) The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and Lastly....
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates...
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public. ...
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8) The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and Lastly....
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates...
Pedeshe mmoja
Pedeshe mmoja akiwa na mkewe walikwenda muziki, binti mzuri alipita na kumsalimu pedeshe. kuona hivyo mama akapatwa shaka, basi yakaanza mahojiano:
Mama: Yule ni nani?’
Pedeshee: ‘Huyo ni nyumba ndogo yangu’.
Mama: Nataka talaka yangu’.
... Pedeshe: ’Powa nitakupa, lakini kumbuka safari za kwenda Uchina na Dubai ndio zitakuwa basi tena, na ishu za kwenda saluni mara mbili kwa wiki utazikosa, sijui utakuwa unatumia gari gani maana sitakuachia gari hata moja’.
Mama: kimya.
Basi mara akapita binti mwingine ikaanza awamu nyingine ya mazungumzo
Pedeshe: Mama watoto huyo aliyepita punde ni nyumba ndogo ya rafiki yangu’.
Mama: Mhhh huyu wala siyo mzuri kama nyumba ndogo yetu’
Mama: Yule ni nani?’
Pedeshee: ‘Huyo ni nyumba ndogo yangu’.
Mama: Nataka talaka yangu’.
... Pedeshe: ’Powa nitakupa, lakini kumbuka safari za kwenda Uchina na Dubai ndio zitakuwa basi tena, na ishu za kwenda saluni mara mbili kwa wiki utazikosa, sijui utakuwa unatumia gari gani maana sitakuachia gari hata moja’.
Mama: kimya.
Basi mara akapita binti mwingine ikaanza awamu nyingine ya mazungumzo
Pedeshe: Mama watoto huyo aliyepita punde ni nyumba ndogo ya rafiki yangu’.
Mama: Mhhh huyu wala siyo mzuri kama nyumba ndogo yetu’
Teh teh teh, CHUKUA HII...
Teh teh teh, CHUKUA HII...
Bubba aliingia offisini leo asubuhi macho yake yote mawili yakiwa mekunduuu yamevimba!!
Bosi akamuuliza,
"Vp Bubba?!? Kulikoni??"
Bubba kajibu..
"Jana J'pili nlipokuwa kanisani mbele yangu alikaa mmama mmoja mneneeeeeeeeh, sasa tuliposimama wakati wa kuimba nyimbo za sifa, nligundua gauni lake limenasa kwenye makalio yake (MFEREJINI)... Kwahiyo nilipoona hivyo nikaamua kiroho safi kumsaidia kulichomoa!!! Ile namaliza kulichomoa makalioni mwake tuu, akanitwanga bonge la ngumi jicho la kulia..."
Bosi akauliza tena....
"Mbona sasa na la kushoto ni jekundu tena limevimba zaidi??"
Bubba akajibu kwa huruma....
"Yani we acha tuuu... Sasa mimi nlipoona hakupenda nilichomfanya si ndo nikaamua kulirudishia ndani kati kati ya makalio yake (MFEREJINI) kama lilivyokuwa..."
Bubba aliingia offisini leo asubuhi macho yake yote mawili yakiwa mekunduuu yamevimba!!
Bosi akamuuliza,
"Vp Bubba?!? Kulikoni??"
Bubba kajibu..
"Jana J'pili nlipokuwa kanisani mbele yangu alikaa mmama mmoja mneneeeeeeeeh, sasa tuliposimama wakati wa kuimba nyimbo za sifa, nligundua gauni lake limenasa kwenye makalio yake (MFEREJINI)... Kwahiyo nilipoona hivyo nikaamua kiroho safi kumsaidia kulichomoa!!! Ile namaliza kulichomoa makalioni mwake tuu, akanitwanga bonge la ngumi jicho la kulia..."
Bosi akauliza tena....
"Mbona sasa na la kushoto ni jekundu tena limevimba zaidi??"
Bubba akajibu kwa huruma....
"Yani we acha tuuu... Sasa mimi nlipoona hakupenda nilichomfanya si ndo nikaamua kulirudishia ndani kati kati ya makalio yake (MFEREJINI) kama lilivyokuwa..."
John and Mary
When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 ...in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?
John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”.
In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 ...in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?
John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
ADHABU
Kulikuwa kuna wa dada wawili na bibi moja walikuwa wanakata kuni porini, mara majambazi waka wateka wakasema adhabu yenu itakuwa nikufanya mapenzi na nyie..
Wote wale mabint wakasema tuna omba msifanye mapenzi na bibi yetu msamehe kwan yeye ni mzee ila sit upo tayari... Ghafla bibi akadakia...
"Adhabu ni adhabu tu haijalish mzee au kijana sisi wote si tume tekwa lazima adhabu Itupate wote..."
Wote wale mabint wakasema tuna omba msifanye mapenzi na bibi yetu msamehe kwan yeye ni mzee ila sit upo tayari... Ghafla bibi akadakia...
"Adhabu ni adhabu tu haijalish mzee au kijana sisi wote si tume tekwa lazima adhabu Itupate wote..."
JAMAA NA DOCTOR
Jamaa fulani alienda kwa doctor na kumwambia...
Jamaa: "Samahani doctor... Kichwa kinaniuma na ninamawazo sana... Hivi wewe ukiacha haya madawa huwa unafanya nini ili kutuliza maumivu?!?"
Doctor: "Aaaaaah, kwa mimi huwa nafanya mapenzi na mke wangu na nakuwa freshi kabisa..."
Wote wakacheka sana, jamaa akapewa dawa na kuondoka...
Baada ya wiki 2 jamaa akarudi tena kwa doctor....
Doctor: "Vipi, unajisikiaje kwa sasa ndugu yangu..."
Jamaa akatabasamu na kujibu;
"Kweli ww ni Daktari bora sana na ulisema kweli... Najickia vizuri sana... Pia nyumba yako nzuri sana na mkeo kwa kweli anafaa sana kutuliza naumivu...!!!"
Jamaa: "Samahani doctor... Kichwa kinaniuma na ninamawazo sana... Hivi wewe ukiacha haya madawa huwa unafanya nini ili kutuliza maumivu?!?"
Doctor: "Aaaaaah, kwa mimi huwa nafanya mapenzi na mke wangu na nakuwa freshi kabisa..."
Wote wakacheka sana, jamaa akapewa dawa na kuondoka...
Baada ya wiki 2 jamaa akarudi tena kwa doctor....
Doctor: "Vipi, unajisikiaje kwa sasa ndugu yangu..."
Jamaa akatabasamu na kujibu;
"Kweli ww ni Daktari bora sana na ulisema kweli... Najickia vizuri sana... Pia nyumba yako nzuri sana na mkeo kwa kweli anafaa sana kutuliza naumivu...!!!"
familia kitajiri...
Mtoto mmoja kiarabu from familia kitajiri aliamua kumuandikia baba yake email huko warabuni
Iko hivi:"Baba huku berlin najisikia aibu kutembelea ferrari yangu ya dhahabu kuelekea shuleni,angali walimu wangu na wanafunzi wenzangu wanaenda shule na Public train."
Basi baada wiki mzee akajibu hivi kwenye email
"Nimekuelewa mwanangu nimekuwekea Dollar Millioni 50 kwenye account.Nenda kanunue private train yako pekeyako uende nayo shule usituibishe mwanangu."
Iko hivi:"Baba huku berlin najisikia aibu kutembelea ferrari yangu ya dhahabu kuelekea shuleni,angali walimu wangu na wanafunzi wenzangu wanaenda shule na Public train."
Basi baada wiki mzee akajibu hivi kwenye email
"Nimekuelewa mwanangu nimekuwekea Dollar Millioni 50 kwenye account.Nenda kanunue private train yako pekeyako uende nayo shule usituibishe mwanangu."
Tangazo kwa wachaga wote.
Chuo kipya kabisa cha kichaga (CHAGGA TECHNICAL COLLEGE) kinatangaza kozi mpya kwa mwaka wa masomo 2011/2012 kama ifuatavyo..
1.) UBAHILI Miezi 3.
2.) ULEVI miezi 2.
3.) KUUZA DUKA mwezi 1.
4.) KUACHA WAKE VIJIJINI miezi 4.
5.) KUENDESHA PIKIPIKI wiki 2.
6.) KUSOGEZA MIPAKA YA SHAMBA LA JIRANI miezi 6.
7.) UTAPELI wiki 2.
Atakayejiunga mapema atapewa ofa kozi ya kupika mbege na kutembeza Ndizi BUREEE!!! Wahi nafasi ni chache... Nyote MNAKARIBISHWA!!!!
1.) UBAHILI Miezi 3.
2.) ULEVI miezi 2.
3.) KUUZA DUKA mwezi 1.
4.) KUACHA WAKE VIJIJINI miezi 4.
5.) KUENDESHA PIKIPIKI wiki 2.
6.) KUSOGEZA MIPAKA YA SHAMBA LA JIRANI miezi 6.
7.) UTAPELI wiki 2.
Atakayejiunga mapema atapewa ofa kozi ya kupika mbege na kutembeza Ndizi BUREEE!!! Wahi nafasi ni chache... Nyote MNAKARIBISHWA!!!!
SMALL KIDS
Two very small kids were playing under a blanket.
Boy: i'm a boy n u
girl: i dnt knw
boy: wait.
The boy went deep inside then after some seconds he came back n said, "you are a girl."
girl: how did u knw?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Boy: you r wearing pink socks n i'm wearing a blue sock.
Moral: improve your thinking, can't u see they r just kids...
Boy: i'm a boy n u
girl: i dnt knw
boy: wait.
The boy went deep inside then after some seconds he came back n said, "you are a girl."
girl: how did u knw?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Boy: you r wearing pink socks n i'm wearing a blue sock.
Moral: improve your thinking, can't u see they r just kids...
An example of why we should wait until a person finished speaking, before jumping to conclusions
An example of why we should wait until a person finished speaking, before jumping to conclusions
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
hoteli moja ya KIMATAIFA
Jamaa fulani aliingia hoteli moja ya KIMATAIFA na alipofika ndani alifurahi sana baada ya kukuta kuna computer ya kutumia chumbani kwake, tena iliyounganishwa na Internet... Jamaa bila hata ya kupoteza muda akaamua kumwandikia e-mail mkewe.... Kwa bahati mbaya katika kutuma akakosea na kumtumia mwanamke mmoja mjane ambaye ndo alitoka kwenye mazishi ya mumewe...
Yule mwanamke aliyetoka kwenye mazishi, baada tu ya kufika kwake bila ya kupoteza muda akawasha laptop yake na kuanza kusoma e-mail zake ili aweze kujibu salamu za rambi rambi toka kwa ndugu, jamaa na marafiki...
Baada ya kusoma e-mail moja tu ya kwanza yule mama akapiga kelele na kuzimia....
Mwanaye wa kwanza wa kiume akatoka mbio mpaka chumbani na kumkuta mama yake kazimia, kucheki pembeni akaona kuna e-mail mamake alikuwa anaisoma, so jamaa akaamua kuipitia faster kujua kama ndio tatizo... E-mail ilikuwa hivi...
****************
To: My lovely wife!!!
Najua lazima unashtuka sana kupata hii e-mail toka kwangu...
Sikutegemea kukuta computer hupa ila zipo na tunaruhusiwa kuzitumia... Ndio nimefika huku na hapa ndo wamenipa chumba changu... Nimepokelewa vizuri sana tofauti na nilivyo tarajia... Watu wamejaa sana ila nafasi bado zipo na naona kila kitu kiko sawa na wamekuandalia vizuri na wewe sehemu ya kufikia.. Nakusubiri kwa hamu sana mke wangu na usiogope, safari ni fupi na utafika salama usijari, ukifika tu kuna watu maalumu watakupokea... Mwambie huyo mwanetu mkubwa wa kiume na wadogo zake wote watakuja jumuika nasi wiki ijayo hivyo wajiandae...
Nategemea sana ujio wako wa kesho ili tuwe wote pamoja.
Can't wait to see you honey, ♥ :)
From: Your lovely, Husband!!!
******************************
Yule mwanamke aliyetoka kwenye mazishi, baada tu ya kufika kwake bila ya kupoteza muda akawasha laptop yake na kuanza kusoma e-mail zake ili aweze kujibu salamu za rambi rambi toka kwa ndugu, jamaa na marafiki...
Baada ya kusoma e-mail moja tu ya kwanza yule mama akapiga kelele na kuzimia....
Mwanaye wa kwanza wa kiume akatoka mbio mpaka chumbani na kumkuta mama yake kazimia, kucheki pembeni akaona kuna e-mail mamake alikuwa anaisoma, so jamaa akaamua kuipitia faster kujua kama ndio tatizo... E-mail ilikuwa hivi...
****************
To: My lovely wife!!!
Najua lazima unashtuka sana kupata hii e-mail toka kwangu...
Sikutegemea kukuta computer hupa ila zipo na tunaruhusiwa kuzitumia... Ndio nimefika huku na hapa ndo wamenipa chumba changu... Nimepokelewa vizuri sana tofauti na nilivyo tarajia... Watu wamejaa sana ila nafasi bado zipo na naona kila kitu kiko sawa na wamekuandalia vizuri na wewe sehemu ya kufikia.. Nakusubiri kwa hamu sana mke wangu na usiogope, safari ni fupi na utafika salama usijari, ukifika tu kuna watu maalumu watakupokea... Mwambie huyo mwanetu mkubwa wa kiume na wadogo zake wote watakuja jumuika nasi wiki ijayo hivyo wajiandae...
Nategemea sana ujio wako wa kesho ili tuwe wote pamoja.
Can't wait to see you honey, ♥ :)
From: Your lovely, Husband!!!
******************************
A blind man
A blind man went to a restaurant.
" Menu sir ? " Asked the owner.
" I'm blind . . Just bring me one of
your used forks . . !
I will smell it & order. "
... The confused owner got a fork.
The blind man smelt the fork with
a deep breath . . " Yes , I will have
the lamb with seasoned potatoes
and spring onions. "
Unbelievable . . ! Thought the owner
The blind man ate & left.
Two weeks later . . the blind man
returned.
The owner . . wanting to see how
good his smell was . . quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Nancy was cooking . . !
He said to his wife. . " Do me a favor .
Rub this fork over your pussy . . ! "Which she does . . !
He then goes to the blind-man &
gives him the fork . .
The blind man takes it . . puts it to
his nose and says . . ,
"O Fuck . . I never knew . . Nancy
worked here . . ! ''
LOL
Deadest!!!!
Jamaa alienda duka la nguo...
Jamaa alienda duka la nguo kununua zawadi kwa ajili ya Birthday ya mchumba wake...
Baada ya kuchagua sana akaona ni bora amnunulie pair ya GLOVES za kuvaa mkononi kama za maharusi kwa sababu ndicho kitu alichopendelea sana lakini mchumba wake hakuwa nazo...
Kwa kucndikizwa na dada wa mchumba wake (shemeji yake) waliokutana town wakaenda mpaka duka la nguo na kumnunulia mpenzi wake hizo Gloves. Dada mtu naye aliona si mbaya akajinunulia nguo za ndani mbili (bikini)...
Wakati wa kufunga, muuza duka akamix vitu na kumfungia dada mtu zile Gloves na yule mchumba wake akawekewa zili bikini 2. Bila ya kuangalia jamaa akaomba afungiwe kwenye box la zawadi na kuomba muuzaji amuwekee na ki-note alichokiandika kilichosema....
"Kwako mahabuba wangu!!!
Nimekuchagulia zawadi hii kwa sababu huna tabia ya kupenda kuvaa kila tukitoka out...
Kama icngekuwa dada yako ningekuchagulia ndefu zaidi na pana lakini dadako anapenda kuvaa fupi za kamba kamba kama hizi ambazo ni rahisi kuvaa na kuvua...
Mimi sikutaka sana kuchagua aina hii lakini dada muuzaji hapa nilikonunua alinionyesha na yeye aina hiyo hiyo kuwa ndiyo anayopenda kuvaa. Nilimpa ajaribu zako kwa ajili yangu nione, na kwa kweli alipendeza sana.
Natamani ningekuwepo nikuvalishe tena mbele ya watu siku ya kuvishana pete ili usije vaa zibaya kwa sababu nilimuona alivyo vaa na kufunga kwa umakini na taratibu sana...
Ukivua hakikisha unazikung'uta kabla ya kuzivaa tena siku nyingine kwa sababu najua hutazifua mara kwa mara...
Nakuomba sana uvae jumamosi jioni tukionana japo huna tabia hiyo, ukishindwa njoo nitakuvalisha...."
From your love!!!
Byeeee...
Baada ya kuchagua sana akaona ni bora amnunulie pair ya GLOVES za kuvaa mkononi kama za maharusi kwa sababu ndicho kitu alichopendelea sana lakini mchumba wake hakuwa nazo...
Kwa kucndikizwa na dada wa mchumba wake (shemeji yake) waliokutana town wakaenda mpaka duka la nguo na kumnunulia mpenzi wake hizo Gloves. Dada mtu naye aliona si mbaya akajinunulia nguo za ndani mbili (bikini)...
Wakati wa kufunga, muuza duka akamix vitu na kumfungia dada mtu zile Gloves na yule mchumba wake akawekewa zili bikini 2. Bila ya kuangalia jamaa akaomba afungiwe kwenye box la zawadi na kuomba muuzaji amuwekee na ki-note alichokiandika kilichosema....
"Kwako mahabuba wangu!!!
Nimekuchagulia zawadi hii kwa sababu huna tabia ya kupenda kuvaa kila tukitoka out...
Kama icngekuwa dada yako ningekuchagulia ndefu zaidi na pana lakini dadako anapenda kuvaa fupi za kamba kamba kama hizi ambazo ni rahisi kuvaa na kuvua...
Mimi sikutaka sana kuchagua aina hii lakini dada muuzaji hapa nilikonunua alinionyesha na yeye aina hiyo hiyo kuwa ndiyo anayopenda kuvaa. Nilimpa ajaribu zako kwa ajili yangu nione, na kwa kweli alipendeza sana.
Natamani ningekuwepo nikuvalishe tena mbele ya watu siku ya kuvishana pete ili usije vaa zibaya kwa sababu nilimuona alivyo vaa na kufunga kwa umakini na taratibu sana...
Ukivua hakikisha unazikung'uta kabla ya kuzivaa tena siku nyingine kwa sababu najua hutazifua mara kwa mara...
Nakuomba sana uvae jumamosi jioni tukionana japo huna tabia hiyo, ukishindwa njoo nitakuvalisha...."
From your love!!!
Byeeee...
JAMAA
Jamaa mmja alioa dem bikra..ili kumfundsha mkewe mambo akamvua nguo na kumwambia,."mke wangu,(akinyooshea uke wa mkewe) hilo ni gereza..na huyu (uume wake) ni mfungwa..haya mwache mfungw aingie gerezani..wakapga raund ya kwanz...baad ya raund mke akamsh2a mme..MFUNGWA KATOROKA GEREZAN..ikabd jamaa apge raund ya pili..alipomaliza mke akaita tena, MUME WANGU,MFUNGW AMETOroka tena...jamaa kwa uchov akapga raund ya tatu...akamaliza akiw hoi..dem akaw bdo anataka..akaita tena, MFUNGWA AMETOROKA....jamaa akajib kwa hasira...WE MALAYA,SIO KIFUNGO CHA MAISHA...
WAVUTA BANGI...
Wavuta bangi watatu baada ya kulivuta sana wakazima... Baada ya kushtuka wakamuona dogo anaangaika kuangua embe juu ya mti waliokuwa wameuegemea... Wakamfukuza dogo ili waangue wao... Jamaa waliangaika sana kurusha mawe juu bila mafanikio...
Wakaendelea rusha mawe mengi lakini hawakufanikiwa kuliangusha wala kuligusa.
Mvuta bangi mmoja akasema;
"Isije ikawa tunaangaika hapa bureeee kumbe embe lenyewe bichi, ngoja nipande juu nikalicheki kwanza kama limeiva..."
Jamaa akapanda faster baada ya dakika tano, yule mvuta bangi akashuka chini na kuwaambia mwenzake;
"Ebwana daaah, kitu cha ukweli... Nimelibonyeza limeiva vizuri kabisaaa, tuendeleeni kuliangua tu wanangu...."
Jamaa wakaendelea kurusha mawe kutwa nzima bila mafanikio!!!!
Wakaendelea rusha mawe mengi lakini hawakufanikiwa kuliangusha wala kuligusa.
Mvuta bangi mmoja akasema;
"Isije ikawa tunaangaika hapa bureeee kumbe embe lenyewe bichi, ngoja nipande juu nikalicheki kwanza kama limeiva..."
Jamaa akapanda faster baada ya dakika tano, yule mvuta bangi akashuka chini na kuwaambia mwenzake;
"Ebwana daaah, kitu cha ukweli... Nimelibonyeza limeiva vizuri kabisaaa, tuendeleeni kuliangua tu wanangu...."
Jamaa wakaendelea kurusha mawe kutwa nzima bila mafanikio!!!!
A guy is in line at the supermarket
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a hot lady behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him...
Although the lady looked familiar, he kuldn't place where he might know or mit her..
So he says;
"Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies;
"I think your the father of
one of my children."
"HOLY SHIT!" He screams;
"Are you that stripper from maisha club that I f***ed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your friends whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"NO," she replies;
"I'm your son's English Teacher.."
Although the lady looked familiar, he kuldn't place where he might know or mit her..
So he says;
"Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies;
"I think your the father of
one of my children."
"HOLY SHIT!" He screams;
"Are you that stripper from maisha club that I f***ed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your friends whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"NO," she replies;
"I'm your son's English Teacher.."
Pedeshee
Pedeshee mmoja alikua anapenda kuonga saaaaana, bac kuna siku aliamua aende kanisani kumwabudu Mungu...
Mbele yake alikuwa amekaa sister duu wa UKWELI, jamaa akawa anamcheki mwanzo mwishi misa nzima... Wakati wa kutoa sadaka ndio akaona Muda muwafaka wa kujitutumua... Basi ile kikapu kinafika kwa yule demu, PEDESHEE anamgusa kwa nyuma na kumnong'oneza....
"USIHOFU MREMBO.... TAKULIPIA SADAKA SEMA NIN KINGINE...!!!!!"
Mbele yake alikuwa amekaa sister duu wa UKWELI, jamaa akawa anamcheki mwanzo mwishi misa nzima... Wakati wa kutoa sadaka ndio akaona Muda muwafaka wa kujitutumua... Basi ile kikapu kinafika kwa yule demu, PEDESHEE anamgusa kwa nyuma na kumnong'oneza....
"USIHOFU MREMBO.... TAKULIPIA SADAKA SEMA NIN KINGINE...!!!!!"
offisin...
Jamaa aliona hana kazi offisini hivyo akaamua ampigie simu secretary ili amzingue... Kwa bahati mbaya alikosea na kumpigia simu bosi wake....
Jamaa: "Oya we mpuuzi lete chai vikombe viwili haraka mezani kwangu na chapati 3..!!!"
Bosi: "Hivi unajua unaongea na nani??!"
Jamaa baada ya kugundua kampigia bosi wake akaa kimya....
Bosi: "Nauliza hivi... Unajua unaongea na nani??!"
Jamaa (Kwa kuzuga ikabidi tu ajibu...): "Hapana..."
Bosi: "Mimi ni bosi wako humu ndani..."
Jamaa (Akakaza sauti na yeye): "Hivi na wewe unajua unaongea na nai??!"
Bosi: "Hapana, nani wewe?!"
Jamaa(Kwafuraha zaidi): "Daaaaah, asante MUNGU!!!!"
Then akakata simu!!!!!
Jamaa: "Oya we mpuuzi lete chai vikombe viwili haraka mezani kwangu na chapati 3..!!!"
Bosi: "Hivi unajua unaongea na nani??!"
Jamaa baada ya kugundua kampigia bosi wake akaa kimya....
Bosi: "Nauliza hivi... Unajua unaongea na nani??!"
Jamaa (Kwa kuzuga ikabidi tu ajibu...): "Hapana..."
Bosi: "Mimi ni bosi wako humu ndani..."
Jamaa (Akakaza sauti na yeye): "Hivi na wewe unajua unaongea na nai??!"
Bosi: "Hapana, nani wewe?!"
Jamaa(Kwafuraha zaidi): "Daaaaah, asante MUNGU!!!!"
Then akakata simu!!!!!
Puchada
A man went to china and met a prostitute so he pays her and they start doin it, while making love the woman screams puchada so he presumes shez sayn push harder so he pushes harder, in the mornin he goes and playz golf the ball enterz a hole and the other player shouts puchada so he asks wat does puchada mean hz told it means wrong hole...
"I want u to marry a girl of my choice..."
Son: "I want u to marry a girl of my choice..."
Dad: "U are still young, noooo...!!!"
Son: "Bt dad, da girl is Bill gates’ daughter..."
Dad: "Realy?! Oh okay den leave dat 2 me...!!!"
*Dad goes to Bill Gates....*
Dad: "I want ur daughter 2 marry my son..."
Gates: "Hell no, who z he 2 have my daughter.??!!"
Dad: "My son is da assistant CEO of WORD BANK..."
Gates: "Ooohh... Plz, fix da date..."
*Dad goes to CEO of WORD BANK....*
Dad: "Appoint my son as your assistant..."
WB CEO: "Waat??! Out from no wea??! Nooo..!!!"
Dad: "U are still young, noooo...!!!"
Son: "Bt dad, da girl is Bill gates’ daughter..."
Dad: "Realy?! Oh okay den leave dat 2 me...!!!"
*Dad goes to Bill Gates....*
Dad: "I want ur daughter 2 marry my son..."
Gates: "Hell no, who z he 2 have my daughter.??!!"
Dad: "My son is da assistant CEO of WORD BANK..."
Gates: "Ooohh... Plz, fix da date..."
*Dad goes to CEO of WORD BANK....*
Dad: "Appoint my son as your assistant..."
WB CEO: "Waat??! Out from no wea??! Nooo..!!!"
Wachaga...
Wachaga sisi bwana,sikia mtoto wa kichaga anafundishwa kusoma ndo ajui atazikoje ila anavyo zitamka!!!
Mwalimu:hii ni nambari 1,sema moja!
Mtoto:shilingi moja!
Mwalimu:hapana hapa ubaoni sijaa andika shilingi,nimeandika tu moja kwahiyo sema moja!
Mtoto:moja!
Mwalimu:vizuri sana..aya sasa hii ni nambari 2,sema mbili!
Mtoto:shilingi mbili!
Mwalimu:(kwa hasira)we hiyo shilingi unaitoa wapi?
Mtoto:(bila wasiwasi)kwa mjomba Masawe,Baba huwa hanipi eti!
Hapa ataukichapa mpaka uuwe ila shilingi iko midomoni!
Mwalimu:hii ni nambari 1,sema moja!
Mtoto:shilingi moja!
Mwalimu:hapana hapa ubaoni sijaa andika shilingi,nimeandika tu moja kwahiyo sema moja!
Mtoto:moja!
Mwalimu:vizuri sana..aya sasa hii ni nambari 2,sema mbili!
Mtoto:shilingi mbili!
Mwalimu:(kwa hasira)we hiyo shilingi unaitoa wapi?
Mtoto:(bila wasiwasi)kwa mjomba Masawe,Baba huwa hanipi eti!
Hapa ataukichapa mpaka uuwe ila shilingi iko midomoni!
Shekhe...
Shekhe m1 aliletewa zawadi ya pensi kutoka Oman,
Alipendelea sana kuivaa na kanzu wakati wa swala, ilitokea cku m1 Shekh alichelewa swala ya Ijumaa, na ilimbidi avae kanzu na kusahau kuvaa pensi kwa haraka zake,
Wakati anatia udhu miguuni alipandisha kanzu juu na makalio yote nje bila kujua,
Waumini wakamuuliza kwa mshangao baada ya kumuona, Shekh makalio wazi
He! Vipi Shekhe!
Shekh akajibu
"hee munashangaa! MAMBO YA OMAN HAYO"
Alipendelea sana kuivaa na kanzu wakati wa swala, ilitokea cku m1 Shekh alichelewa swala ya Ijumaa, na ilimbidi avae kanzu na kusahau kuvaa pensi kwa haraka zake,
Wakati anatia udhu miguuni alipandisha kanzu juu na makalio yote nje bila kujua,
Waumini wakamuuliza kwa mshangao baada ya kumuona, Shekh makalio wazi
He! Vipi Shekhe!
Shekh akajibu
"hee munashangaa! MAMBO YA OMAN HAYO"
tabia ya kufanya mapenzi kwenye giza
Jamaa fulani alikuwa na tabia ya kufanya mapenzi kwenye giza na mkewe toka waoane...
Siku moja mkewe akaamua kuwasha taa kwa ghafla ili kujua ni kwa nn mumewe hapendi kufanya mapenzi na taa..
Ile kuwasha tuu akamkuta mumewe kashika "Vibrator" (kifaa alichokuwa anakitumia kufanya mapenzi na mkewe)...
Yule mwanamke akaondoka kwa hasira na kwenda kwao usiku ule ule, kesho yake akarudi na wazazi wake, pamoja na wazazi wa jamaa kwa ajili ya kusikiliza maelezo ya jamaa mbele ya familia nzima huku akifunguka...!!!!
MKE: "Mwanaume gani muongo wewe... Tena wewe pumbavu kabisa... Naomba unieleze sasa hivi ni kwanini umenidanganya miaka yote hiyo 20 ya ndoa?!"
MUME: "Samahanini wazazi wangu... Nakubali mimi ninaupungufu wa nguvu za kiume uliosababishwa na ajali niliyoipata mwezi mmoja baada ya ndoa yetu... Hiyo ilinifanya nisiweze fanya kitu kabisa kitandani, ndiyo maana nimekuwa namdanganya mke wangu miaka yote hiyokwa kutumia kifaa maalumu nilicho nunua Ulaya ili asiniache..."
Jamaa akanyanyuka, akaomba samahani, akatoka nje na kurudi na PANGA...
MUME: "Hayo yalikuwa ni maelezo yangu... Sasa naomba na wewe shetani unieleze, hao watoto saba wote uliowazaa umewatoa wapi??!!!"
Siku moja mkewe akaamua kuwasha taa kwa ghafla ili kujua ni kwa nn mumewe hapendi kufanya mapenzi na taa..
Ile kuwasha tuu akamkuta mumewe kashika "Vibrator" (kifaa alichokuwa anakitumia kufanya mapenzi na mkewe)...
Yule mwanamke akaondoka kwa hasira na kwenda kwao usiku ule ule, kesho yake akarudi na wazazi wake, pamoja na wazazi wa jamaa kwa ajili ya kusikiliza maelezo ya jamaa mbele ya familia nzima huku akifunguka...!!!!
MKE: "Mwanaume gani muongo wewe... Tena wewe pumbavu kabisa... Naomba unieleze sasa hivi ni kwanini umenidanganya miaka yote hiyo 20 ya ndoa?!"
MUME: "Samahanini wazazi wangu... Nakubali mimi ninaupungufu wa nguvu za kiume uliosababishwa na ajali niliyoipata mwezi mmoja baada ya ndoa yetu... Hiyo ilinifanya nisiweze fanya kitu kabisa kitandani, ndiyo maana nimekuwa namdanganya mke wangu miaka yote hiyokwa kutumia kifaa maalumu nilicho nunua Ulaya ili asiniache..."
Jamaa akanyanyuka, akaomba samahani, akatoka nje na kurudi na PANGA...
MUME: "Hayo yalikuwa ni maelezo yangu... Sasa naomba na wewe shetani unieleze, hao watoto saba wote uliowazaa umewatoa wapi??!!!"
Tom
Tom was dying. .His wife sat at the bedside. .
He looked up and said weakly;
"I have something I must confess."
... "There’s no need to," his wife replied.
"No, He insisted. .
I want to die in peace. .I slept with your sister, your
best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know!" she replied,
"Now just Rest and let the Poison work!"
He looked up and said weakly;
"I have something I must confess."
... "There’s no need to," his wife replied.
"No, He insisted. .
I want to die in peace. .I slept with your sister, your
best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know!" she replied,
"Now just Rest and let the Poison work!"
mchumba
Kijana wa kiume ampeleka mchumba wk kumtambulisha kwao,alipofika tu baba yk akagundua dosarì maana binti alkuwa mweusi tii,ana matege makali na makengeza ya maana!duuh msichana kuona sura ya baba mkwe wk imebadìlika ikabidi atabasamu kdg,lahaula! Alikuwa na mapengo hana meno yote ya mbele!baba akaamua amwite kijana wk! Baba: mwanangu ebu twende nje kidogo tuongee kijana: baba sema tu hapa hapa mchumba wangu n kiziwi...!
watoto
Siku moja watoto wa KINDERGARTEN wote walipiga picha ya pamoja....
Kwahiyo mwalimu wao akaanza kuwashawishi kwa maneno matamu ili wakawaombe wazazi wao hela ya kila mmoja kununua COPY moja ya picha huku akiwaambia...
"Watoto wazuri, hembu fikirieni mkiwa wakubwa mkiiangalia hii picha kwa furaha na kukumbushana... 'Cheki Cicco, ni daktari cku hizi...' Au mnamuangalia MALINZA na kusema cheki, amekula HAKIMU.... Au mkimcheki...."
Kabla ya mwalimu kumalizia akasikia kisauti kikisisika kwa chini chini...
"Au tunamcheki MWALIMU wetu kwenye picha na kusema, ni MAREHEMU sasa....!!!"
Kwahiyo mwalimu wao akaanza kuwashawishi kwa maneno matamu ili wakawaombe wazazi wao hela ya kila mmoja kununua COPY moja ya picha huku akiwaambia...
"Watoto wazuri, hembu fikirieni mkiwa wakubwa mkiiangalia hii picha kwa furaha na kukumbushana... 'Cheki Cicco, ni daktari cku hizi...' Au mnamuangalia MALINZA na kusema cheki, amekula HAKIMU.... Au mkimcheki...."
Kabla ya mwalimu kumalizia akasikia kisauti kikisisika kwa chini chini...
"Au tunamcheki MWALIMU wetu kwenye picha na kusema, ni MAREHEMU sasa....!!!"
Men...
Dear Men,
Love your galfriend like ROMEO
Fight for her like SPARTACUS
Rescue her like JAMES BOND
Protect her 24Hrs like JACK BAUER
Never cheat on her like TIGER WOODS
Don't beat her like CHRIS BROWN
Sing for her like BRUNO MARS
Even though there are better men keep going after her
like CHELSEA
Never disappoint her like LIVERPOOL
Spend recklessly on her like MANCHESTER CITY
Don't be stingy to her like ARSENAL
And, you will win her heart,19 times over,like
MANCHESTER
UNITED!!
Love your galfriend like ROMEO
Fight for her like SPARTACUS
Rescue her like JAMES BOND
Protect her 24Hrs like JACK BAUER
Never cheat on her like TIGER WOODS
Don't beat her like CHRIS BROWN
Sing for her like BRUNO MARS
Even though there are better men keep going after her
like CHELSEA
Never disappoint her like LIVERPOOL
Spend recklessly on her like MANCHESTER CITY
Don't be stingy to her like ARSENAL
And, you will win her heart,19 times over,like
MANCHESTER
UNITED!!
WAHAYA JAMANI PUNGUZENI MAJIVUNO
Habari! Familia ya bibi na bwana Rwehangira houston wa tandale dar es salaam wanasikitika kutanga kifo cha mtoto wao mpendwa whitney rwehangira houston wa buguruni kwa mnyamani kilichotokea leo asubuhi, mazishi yatafanyika jumamosi nyumbani kwao kanyigo karagwe bukoba, habari ziwafikie Mr. Rutamazibwa wa World bank, mzee Rwehimamu wa Ubalozi wa marekani Canada, mtoto wa marehemu alicia Rwechungura wa Oxford university bila kumsahau house girl wake kokushubira Mugishagwe aliyekuwa ameenda shoping South africa!
STRANGERS JUST CONNECTED ON BBM...CHATTING*
Charmer:::: Hello Sweet Girl
Sweetgal:::: Hi Lover Boy!
Charmer:::: Can I know you more please?
Sweetgal:::: 17, female, sweet lips, bootyliscious and
Delicious, in Dar Es Salaam and you?
Charmer:::: Mmmmmh, I am in love already. I’m 52,
male, 6 pack, big Chest, Dar Es Salaam.
Sweetgal:::: You're 52? OMG! Serious . Same age as my
dad.
Charmer:::: I’m just so into fresh young beautiful girls.
Sweetgal:::: Do you have a wife?
Charmer:::: Yes, but not as sexy as you, I have a
daughter, she is in her bedroom with her friend doing
homework.
Sweetgal:::: Then why do you like young girls?
Charmer:::: I love them because they are beautiful not
to mention sexy and fresh boob and booty
Sweetgal:::: I am also into older men with iPhones, cash
and driving expensive cars.
Charmer:::: I can offer all of that and more.
Sweetgal:::: I think we should meet because you are in
Dar es Salaam and I am also here.
Charmer:::: That would be nice, where do I pick you up
tomorrow with my new G-guard sexy girl?
Sweetgal:::: Tomorrow I am going to school it won’t be
possible.
Charmer:::: Or maybe over the weekend, going to
school is very important.
Sweetgal:::: While still chatting let me continue with
my homework I don’t want my dad to know that i have
a BB, he will be mad at me.
Charmer:::: Which homework is that? maybe I can
assist you.
Sweetgal:::: It's a Biology assignment and my friend
Lucy is assisting me
Charmer:::: Hey, your friend’s name is Lucy?
Sweetgal:::: Yes.
Charmer:::: Exactly where in Dar es Salaam are you?
Sweetgal:::: Chole nia Mzalendo and you?
Charmer:::: Mercy!, is that you???
Sweetgal:::: Dad, is that you???
*...AND YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE REGARDS
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT*
BONGO TAMBARALE HATA WAMAREKANI NA WAJAPANI WAKO NYUMA
Mmarekani, Mjapani na Mtanzania walikutana chuo Kikuu cha Harvard wakaanza kutambiana kuhusu uchaguzi katika nchi zao. Mmarekani akajigamba kwa kusema sisi wamarekani tukishapiga kura, kura zinahesabiwa hapohapo na mashine na tunapata matokeo hapo hapo. Mjapani akajigamba akasema sisi kwetu huna haja ya kusubiri matokeo kwani unaenda nyumbani na tume ya uchaguzi inayatuma matokeo moja kwa moja katika computer yako. Mtanzania akasema mimi nisemeje sasa, Akawaambia yaani nyie mnachukua muda mrefu hivyo, yaani sisi hata kabla ya uchaguzi tunajua mshindi ni nani.
8 Lies of my Mother
8 Lies of my Mother
This story begins when I was a child: I was born poor. Often we hadn't enough to eat. Whenever we had some food, Mother often gave me her portion of rice. While she was transferring her rice into my bowl, she would say "Eat this rice, son! I'm not hungry."
This was Mother's First Lie.
As I grew, Mother gave up her spare time to fish in a river near our house; she hoped that from the fish she caught, she could give me a little bit more nutritious food for my growth. Once she had caught just two fish, she would make fish soup. While I was eating the soup, mother would sit beside me and eat the what was still left on the bone of the fish I had eaten, My heart was touched when I saw it. Once I gave the other fish to her on my chopstick but she immediately refused it and said, "Eat this fish, son! I don't really like fish."
This was Mother's Second Lie.
Then, in order to fund my education, Mother went to a Match Factory to bring home some used matchboxes, which she filled with fresh matchsticks. This helped her get some money to cover our needs. One wintry night I awoke to find Mother filling the matchboxes by candlelight. So I said, "Mother, go to sleep; it's late: you can continue working tomorrow morning." Mother smiled and said "Go to sleep, son! I'm not tired."
This was Mother's Third Lie.
When I had to sit my Final Examination, Mother accompanied me. After dawn, Mother waited for me for hours in the heat of the sun. When the bell rang, I ran to meet her.. Mother embraced me and poured me a glass of tea that she had prepared in a thermos. The tea was not as strong as my Mother's love, Seeing Mother covered with perspiration, I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too. Mother said "Drink, son! I'm not thirsty!".
This was Mother's Fourth Lie.
After Father's death, Mother had to play the role of a single parent. She held on to her former job; she had to fund our needs alone. Our family's life was more complicated. We suffered from starvation. Seeing our family's condition worsening, my kind Uncle who lived near my house came to help us solve our problems big and small. Our other neighbors saw that we were poverty stricken so they often advised my mother to marry again. But Mother refused to remarry saying "I don't need love."
This was Mother's Fifth Lie.
After I had finished my studies and gotten a job, it was time for my old Mother to retire but she carried on going to the market every morning just to sell a few vegetables. I kept sending her money but she was steadfast and even sent the money back to me. She said, "I have enough money."
That was Mother's Sixth Lie.
I continued my part-time studies for my Master's Degree. Funded by the American Corporation for which I worked, I succeeded in my studies. With a big jump in my salary, I decided to bring Mother to enjoy life in America but Mother didn't want to bother her son; she said to me "I'm not used to high living."
That was Mother's Seventh Lie.
In her dotage, Mother was attacked by cancer and had to be hospitalized. Now living far across the ocean, I went home to visit Mother who was bedridden after an operation. Mother tried to smile but I was heartbroken because she was so thin and feeble but Mother said, "Don't cry, son! I'm not in pain."
That was Mother's Eighth Lie.
Telling me this, her eighth lie, she died. YES, MOTHER WAS AN ANGEL! M - O - T - H - E - R
"M" is for the Million things she gave me,
"O" means Only that she's growing old,
"T" is for the Tears she shed to save me,
"H" is for her Heart of gold,
"E" is for her Eyes with love-light shining in them,
"R" means Right, and right she'll always be,
Put them all together, they spell "MOTHER" a word that means the world to me.
For those of you who are lucky to be still blessed with your Mom's presence on Earth, this story is beautiful. For those who aren't so blessed, this is even more beautiful.
daughters-in-law
Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....
They don't come to change the family, they are here to ... ( READ ON !)
The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;
'My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine .'No, I will never do that, never in a million years.'
'What do you mean my child?' asked the father-in-law.
'What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);
Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!
'And what are you here for?' enquired the mother-in-law.
' I'M HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!'
New Wifey
They don't come to change the family, they are here to ... ( READ ON !)
The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;
'My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine .'No, I will never do that, never in a million years.'
'What do you mean my child?' asked the father-in-law.
'What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);
Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!
'And what are you here for?' enquired the mother-in-law.
' I'M HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!'
New Wifey
A Letter from Masawe to Bill Gate...
A Letter from Masawe to Bill Gate...
Dear Mr. Sir BillGates,
This letter is from Masawe of Kibosho Moshi.
We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ******appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field.
We checked with hardware technician Kimaro and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the
password is...
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the "Shut Down" button.
3. There is a button "Start" but there is no "Stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. There is "Find" button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this 'Find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug or virus??
5. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my "Mouse" from CAT, So I suggest you to provide a DOG too to kill that cat.
6. My child learnt "Microsoft Word" now he wants to learn "Microsoft Sentence", so when U will provide that?
7. Lastly, these COMPUTERS of yours don't know ENGLISH at all!!!! When i turn off the machine, instead of saying WINDOWS ARE SHUTTING down, they say WINDOWS IS SHUTTING DOWN... Which English grammar is that???!
All in all,
Best regards,
Masawe.
Dear Mr. Sir BillGates,
This letter is from Masawe of Kibosho Moshi.
We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ******appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field.
We checked with hardware technician Kimaro and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the
password is...
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the "Shut Down" button.
3. There is a button "Start" but there is no "Stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. There is "Find" button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this 'Find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug or virus??
5. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my "Mouse" from CAT, So I suggest you to provide a DOG too to kill that cat.
6. My child learnt "Microsoft Word" now he wants to learn "Microsoft Sentence", so when U will provide that?
7. Lastly, these COMPUTERS of yours don't know ENGLISH at all!!!! When i turn off the machine, instead of saying WINDOWS ARE SHUTTING down, they say WINDOWS IS SHUTTING DOWN... Which English grammar is that???!
All in all,
Best regards,
Masawe.
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