Mary goes up to the priest after his Sunday morning
Mass, and she's in tears...
The priest asks,
"So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says,
"Oh, Father, I've got terrible
news. My husband passed away last night..."
The priest says,
"Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?!"
She says,
"He did, Father..."
The priest says,
"What did he ask,
Mary?"
She says,
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put
down that damn gun...'"
Another Jason Nchimbi's BLOG...
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
A man walked into a bar
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat
down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked
him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once,
but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a
cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried
it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game
of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't
like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a
matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm
waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked
him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once,
but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a
cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried
it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game
of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't
like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a
matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm
waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"
The ostrich says "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"
The ostrich says "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
A boy with his mother in a taxi at nyt coming from da hospital
A boy with his mother in a
taxi at nyt coming from da hospital, In between the traffick light area around Ohio street...
The boy asked his mother after looking at some sluts...
BOY: "Mum, what are those women accross the road doing ahalf naked?!
MOTHER: "They r waiting for their husbands..."
TAXI DRIVER: "Woman, why are you lying to your son?! Boy, they are prostitutes. They sleep with men for money!!!"
*MOTHER is annoyed by the drivers' interruption...*
BOY: "Then mum, what happens to the kids these women give birth to?!?"
MOTHER (politely n slowly):
"They become taxi drivers son..."
*Taxi's engine stops* =))
taxi at nyt coming from da hospital, In between the traffick light area around Ohio street...
The boy asked his mother after looking at some sluts...
BOY: "Mum, what are those women accross the road doing ahalf naked?!
MOTHER: "They r waiting for their husbands..."
TAXI DRIVER: "Woman, why are you lying to your son?! Boy, they are prostitutes. They sleep with men for money!!!"
*MOTHER is annoyed by the drivers' interruption...*
BOY: "Then mum, what happens to the kids these women give birth to?!?"
MOTHER (politely n slowly):
"They become taxi drivers son..."
*Taxi's engine stops* =))
Owky, I'm gonna tell u a story with 4 PARTS. Ok remember that, 4 PARTS...
Guy 1: "Owky, I'm gonna tell u a story with 4 PARTS. Ok remember that, 4 PARTS...!!!"
Guy 2: "Owky..."
Guy 1: "I'm gonna start with part 1...
There was a husband and a wife, they were driving to a camp site when they came upon a split road...
The husband goes: 'Let's take the left one.'
The wife goes: 'I think we should take the right road...'
Then the husband slaps the wife across the face...
'Who's driving, me or you?!?' And they take the left path....
Guy 2: "Hahahahahaaaaa..."
Guy 1: "Owky, now I'm gonna tell you part 2...
Once they get to the camp site the husband goes fishing so his wife can cook their dinner.
He comes back and the wife says, 'Good, now I can cook fish soup for us to eat...'
The husband says,
'But I wanna eat fried fish..'
The wife slaps the husband across the face and says, 'Who's cooking me or you?!?'
And they end up drinking fish soup...
Guy 2: "Hahahaaaa.... lol..."
Guy 1: "Now I'm gonna tell you part 4....
Guy 2: "What about part 3?!?"
Guy 1:
****Gives two big slaps to guy 2 across the face****
"Who's telling the story, me or you?!?"
Guy 2: ".... "
Guy 2: "Owky..."
Guy 1: "I'm gonna start with part 1...
There was a husband and a wife, they were driving to a camp site when they came upon a split road...
The husband goes: 'Let's take the left one.'
The wife goes: 'I think we should take the right road...'
Then the husband slaps the wife across the face...
'Who's driving, me or you?!?' And they take the left path....
Guy 2: "Hahahahahaaaaa..."
Guy 1: "Owky, now I'm gonna tell you part 2...
Once they get to the camp site the husband goes fishing so his wife can cook their dinner.
He comes back and the wife says, 'Good, now I can cook fish soup for us to eat...'
The husband says,
'But I wanna eat fried fish..'
The wife slaps the husband across the face and says, 'Who's cooking me or you?!?'
And they end up drinking fish soup...
Guy 2: "Hahahaaaa.... lol..."
Guy 1: "Now I'm gonna tell you part 4....
Guy 2: "What about part 3?!?"
Guy 1:
****Gives two big slaps to guy 2 across the face****
"Who's telling the story, me or you?!?"
Guy 2: ".... "
John alimwalika rafiki yake Fred nyumbani kwake kwa ajili ya dinner na vinywaji.
John alimwalika rafiki yake Fred nyumbani
kwake kwa ajili ya dinner na vinywaji.
Baada ya maakuli na wakati vinywaji
vinaendelea, mkewe John (Lisa) na mgeni
wao Fred walikuwa wanacheza karata.
... Kwa bahati mbaya karata ikaangukia chini
ya meza, Fred alipoinama kuichukua
akaona nyeti za Lisa ambae hakuwa
amevaa chupi. Fred akahamanika kwa
aibu, japo John hakukugundua.
Baadae kidogo John alipokwenda jikoni
kuchukua vinywaji, Lisa akamuuliza
Fred:"Umekipenda ulichokiona?"
Fred: "Ndiyo".
Lisa: Utakipata kwa laki moja, ila iwe
ijumaa mchana maana John huenda site
visits kwa wateja wake kila ijumaa.
Ijumaa ikafika, Fred akaja kwa John na laki
na mchezo ukachezwa. John aliporudi jioni
akamuuliza mkewe: "Fred alikuja?"
Lisa akawaza:'Inawez ekana alimuona
akija au kaambiwa', akajibu:"Ndiyo, alipita
hapa mara moja".
John: "Safi, alikuachia laki moja?"
Lisa akawaza: 'Huyu atakuwa anajua'.
Akamjibu mumewe kwa upole:"Ndiyo,
kaileta".
John: "Fred ni mwaminifu sana, alikuja
asubuhi ofisiniakanikopa laki moja na
akasema atapita nyumbani akuachie
mchana"
Lisa : akabaki ametoa macho kumbe ametoa bureee
kwake kwa ajili ya dinner na vinywaji.
Baada ya maakuli na wakati vinywaji
vinaendelea, mkewe John (Lisa) na mgeni
wao Fred walikuwa wanacheza karata.
... Kwa bahati mbaya karata ikaangukia chini
ya meza, Fred alipoinama kuichukua
akaona nyeti za Lisa ambae hakuwa
amevaa chupi. Fred akahamanika kwa
aibu, japo John hakukugundua.
Baadae kidogo John alipokwenda jikoni
kuchukua vinywaji, Lisa akamuuliza
Fred:"Umekipenda ulichokiona?"
Fred: "Ndiyo".
Lisa: Utakipata kwa laki moja, ila iwe
ijumaa mchana maana John huenda site
visits kwa wateja wake kila ijumaa.
Ijumaa ikafika, Fred akaja kwa John na laki
na mchezo ukachezwa. John aliporudi jioni
akamuuliza mkewe: "Fred alikuja?"
Lisa akawaza:'Inawez ekana alimuona
akija au kaambiwa', akajibu:"Ndiyo, alipita
hapa mara moja".
John: "Safi, alikuachia laki moja?"
Lisa akawaza: 'Huyu atakuwa anajua'.
Akamjibu mumewe kwa upole:"Ndiyo,
kaileta".
John: "Fred ni mwaminifu sana, alikuja
asubuhi ofisiniakanikopa laki moja na
akasema atapita nyumbani akuachie
mchana"
Lisa : akabaki ametoa macho kumbe ametoa bureee
dokta
mgonjwa: dokta nimekuja nina tatizo la kusahau yani nikisema neno au ukinambia hapo hapo nasahau
dokta: tatizo hilo limekuanza lini?
Mgonjwa : tatizo gani?
Dokta akachoka....
dokta: tatizo hilo limekuanza lini?
Mgonjwa : tatizo gani?
Dokta akachoka....
Three men were in the martenity hospital waiting room
Three men were in the martenity hospital waiting room when the nurse rushed in and said to the first man...
"Sir, you're the father of twins..."
"Hey! Is not that a coincidence!" ...he replied.
"I'm a member of the Chicago Twins baseball team!!!!"
Later, the nurse came in and said to the second man...
"Sir, you're the father of triplets..."
"Gee!" the man exclaimed...
"Another coincidence!!! I work with the 3 Crowns Company.."
Listinig to his fellows coincidences, the third man dropped down fainted....
It was found that he was working for 7-UP company!!!!"
"Sir, you're the father of twins..."
"Hey! Is not that a coincidence!" ...he replied.
"I'm a member of the Chicago Twins baseball team!!!!"
Later, the nurse came in and said to the second man...
"Sir, you're the father of triplets..."
"Gee!" the man exclaimed...
"Another coincidence!!! I work with the 3 Crowns Company.."
Listinig to his fellows coincidences, the third man dropped down fainted....
It was found that he was working for 7-UP company!!!!"
Mhindi,mpare na mchaga
Mhindi,mpare na mchaga walienda kutoa msaada wa pesa kwa maskini. Lakini waliweka masharti kwa maskini hao kwa jinsi watakavyopata msaada huo:-
MHINDI>mimi ntachora duara kisha ntarusha pesa juu,zitakazoingia zenu,zitakazo toka nje zangu
MCHAGA>mimi ntachora mstari kisha ntarusha pesa juu,zitakazo dondokea kwenye mstari zenu,zitakazo toka nje zangu
MPARE>mimi ntarusha pesa juu zitakazobaki juu zenu,zitakazorudi chini zangu.....................
MHINDI>mimi ntachora duara kisha ntarusha pesa juu,zitakazoingia zenu,zitakazo toka nje zangu
MCHAGA>mimi ntachora mstari kisha ntarusha pesa juu,zitakazo dondokea kwenye mstari zenu,zitakazo toka nje zangu
MPARE>mimi ntarusha pesa juu zitakazobaki juu zenu,zitakazorudi chini zangu.....................
Kutokana na kuto aminiana
Kutokana na kuto aminiana cku hizi mr jason akaamua kumfunga mkewake kwa nguo ya ndani ya chuma... Kwani alikuwa anasafiri kimasomo US... Hivyo akampa rafiki yake funguo moja na kumwambia ikifika miaka minne sijafika wee mfungulie na umwache free... Basi mr Jason akaondoka! Baada ya muda akaona vumbi kubwa linakuja na kucheki akamwona rafiki yake anahema juu juu na kumwambia Jason kwamba umenipa funguo sio yenyewe...
Basi moja la abiria
Basi moja la abiria lilipata ajali liliteleza likatumbukia mtoni kila mtu akajiokowa mwenyewe kuna zuzu mmoja alipofika juu akavua nguo zote akajitosa tena watu wakashangaa na kumuuliza ''we vipi'? Akajibu ''naenda kumtafuta konda hajanirudishia chenji yangu''
Ckia utata hapa
Ckia utata hapa
Chick: watano ni ngapi dia?
Konda: Hai bebii
Chick: poa sana
Konda: Hai bebii
Chick: We konda vipi na salamu zako acha tuingie huko hatutaki kugombani bwana
Konda: Nikwambiaje wewe haibebiiii haiendiii nyie vp mnadhani muda wote kuwachekea2 nyie vi dotcom waone
Chick: watano ni ngapi dia?
Konda: Hai bebii
Chick: poa sana
Konda: Hai bebii
Chick: We konda vipi na salamu zako acha tuingie huko hatutaki kugombani bwana
Konda: Nikwambiaje wewe haibebiiii haiendiii nyie vp mnadhani muda wote kuwachekea2 nyie vi dotcom waone
Moto
Moto uliwaka kwenye hoteli flani maarufu hivyo wa2 ilibidi wajirushe kutoka ghorofa za juu sana... Wa2 binafsi walileta vifaa mbalimbali vya kusaidia wa9umie ila kwa dau... Jamaa wakwanza akasema elfu30 wakasogeza aji2pe. Mara wapili akadakia laki.. Wakamsogezea na akaji2pa ila ameji2pa kabibi ka miaka100 kakasema mimi laki 5 otea kilicho fuata
amaa mwoga alikuwa anapita makaburini
Jamaa mwoga alikuwa anapita makaburini
usiku. Akamwona mtu anachonga kwenye jiwe
la kaburi, akaona usalama kwamba hayuko
peke yake. Akamuuliza "Mzee mbona
unafanya kazi usiku?", yule mtu akamjibu
"Sipo kazini! wamekosea jina langu, nimetoka
kurekebisha!". Jamaa kazimia!
usiku. Akamwona mtu anachonga kwenye jiwe
la kaburi, akaona usalama kwamba hayuko
peke yake. Akamuuliza "Mzee mbona
unafanya kazi usiku?", yule mtu akamjibu
"Sipo kazini! wamekosea jina langu, nimetoka
kurekebisha!". Jamaa kazimia!
Bint wa miaka 14 alifunga ndoa na Mzee wa miaka 73.
Bint wa miaka 14 alifunga ndoa na Mzee wa
miaka 73.
Usiku wa siku ya harusi wawili hao walikutwa
kila mmoja amekaa pembeni wakiwa wanalia.
Walipoulizwa mbona mnalia?
Bi harusi anadai "SIJUI KITU" na Bwana harusi
alipoulizwa nae akajibu, "NIMESHASAHAU" ....
Na ww kaa tu mpaka ufikie miaka 75. Uje
usahau...
miaka 73.
Usiku wa siku ya harusi wawili hao walikutwa
kila mmoja amekaa pembeni wakiwa wanalia.
Walipoulizwa mbona mnalia?
Bi harusi anadai "SIJUI KITU" na Bwana harusi
alipoulizwa nae akajibu, "NIMESHASAHAU" ....
Na ww kaa tu mpaka ufikie miaka 75. Uje
usahau...
Chizi
Chizi mmoja alichukua spanner na kwenda
bank.
Mlangoni alikutana na askari na kumuuliza
"unakwenda wapi na hio spanner?"
Chizi akajibu "Nakwenda kufunguwa
account..."
Askari hoi!!!
Aiii... Yaawa!!!
bank.
Mlangoni alikutana na askari na kumuuliza
"unakwenda wapi na hio spanner?"
Chizi akajibu "Nakwenda kufunguwa
account..."
Askari hoi!!!
Aiii... Yaawa!!!
Bibi kizee mmoja aliamua kusherekea siku yake ya kuzaliwa kwa kujipa starehe ya kukaa kwenye 5 star hotel nzuri, jijini London!!!!
Bibi kizee mmoja aliamua kusherekea siku yake ya kuzaliwa kwa kujipa starehe ya kukaa kwenye 5 star hotel nzuri, jijini London!!!!
Asubuhi, kapewa bill ya $450 akiwa amepigwa na butwaa akasema....
"Whaaaat?!? Just a single night in an ordinary room inacost that much?!?"
Akakataa kulipa!!! Akaomba kumuona Meneja...
Meneja alivyokuja, akaexplain kuwa hiyo hotel ina swimming pool, gym, sauna, wireless internet, usiku kulikuwa na live band, free wines etc...
Yule bibi akasema hajatumia any of those extras...
Meneja akasema,
"Sorry madam, but there were here, you could use them..."
Bibi akaandika cheki ya $50 akampa Meneja,"Tusidaiane..."
Meneja akashangaa, "Whattt, how?!?"
Bibi akamwambia...
"Samahani, nimekata $400 kama malipo ya kusex na mimi..."
Meneja akasema,
"But I didn't sex with u?!?!"
Bibi akamjibu,
"Dats non of my business, u could... l was here and l am charging u for that, BYE!!!!"
Asubuhi, kapewa bill ya $450 akiwa amepigwa na butwaa akasema....
"Whaaaat?!? Just a single night in an ordinary room inacost that much?!?"
Akakataa kulipa!!! Akaomba kumuona Meneja...
Meneja alivyokuja, akaexplain kuwa hiyo hotel ina swimming pool, gym, sauna, wireless internet, usiku kulikuwa na live band, free wines etc...
Yule bibi akasema hajatumia any of those extras...
Meneja akasema,
"Sorry madam, but there were here, you could use them..."
Bibi akaandika cheki ya $50 akampa Meneja,"Tusidaiane..."
Meneja akashangaa, "Whattt, how?!?"
Bibi akamwambia...
"Samahani, nimekata $400 kama malipo ya kusex na mimi..."
Meneja akasema,
"But I didn't sex with u?!?!"
Bibi akamjibu,
"Dats non of my business, u could... l was here and l am charging u for that, BYE!!!!"
Jamaa alienda kwa mchungaji kuungama...
Jamaa alienda kwa mchungaji kuungama...
"Nihurumie Mungu wangu, nimetenda dhambi nyingi saana..."
Mchungaji: "Mwanangu, usihofu... Mungu ni mwenye huruma saana...
Atakusamehe tu..."
Jamaa: "Mchungaji nimezini na wanawake wengi sana hapa kanisani...."
Mchungaji: "Usihofu kabisa mwanangu, utasamehewa tu... Ila ili usamehewe vyema inabidi uwataje na useme umezini nao mara ngapi ili nao pia tuwaombee..."
Jamaa: "Daaah, hapana mchungaji... Naona aibu saana, siwezi ongea..."
Mchungaji: "Owky, sawa basi.. Baada tu ya ibada kuisha tutatoka lango kuu wote na ukimuona yoyote uliyewahi zini naye we sema 'ALELUYA'... Kama umezini naye mara moja, utasema 'ALELUYA' mara moja... Kama ni mara tatu hivyo hivyo..."
Wakakubaliana na ibada ilipokwisha wote wakawa lango kuu la kutokea...
Waumini walipoanza kutoka, akapita mke wa jirani yake mmoja...
Jamaa: "ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA....
Mchungaji: "Mungu akusafishe na kukusamehe kabisa mara saba zote mlizozini..."
Punde kidogo akatoka mke wa kiongozi wa kwaya taratiibu...
Jamaa: "ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA!!!!"
Mchungaji: "Mungu awasamehe saana mara tatu zote mlizozini..."
Mke wa mzee wa kanisa akapita huku kashika biblia...
Jamaa: "ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA.....
Mchungaji: "Bwana akusamehe na kuwasafisha kabisa wote mara 5 zote ulizozini naye..."
Mara akapita mke wa mchungaji...
Jamaa: "ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA...
Kabla jamaa hajamaliza Mchungaji akamzibua KOFI na kumwambia...
"PUMBAVUUUUU.... Tena SHENZI kabisa!!! Na ulaaniwe kabisa SHETWANI mkubwa we!!! Na MUNGU asikusamehe milele na moto wa JEHANAMU ukufanye kuni kabisa mbwaaah weeeeh... Tena TOKAAAAA =$@€*%# na nisikuone tena unakanyaga kanisani kwangu!!!"
"Nihurumie Mungu wangu, nimetenda dhambi nyingi saana..."
Mchungaji: "Mwanangu, usihofu... Mungu ni mwenye huruma saana...
Atakusamehe tu..."
Jamaa: "Mchungaji nimezini na wanawake wengi sana hapa kanisani...."
Mchungaji: "Usihofu kabisa mwanangu, utasamehewa tu... Ila ili usamehewe vyema inabidi uwataje na useme umezini nao mara ngapi ili nao pia tuwaombee..."
Jamaa: "Daaah, hapana mchungaji... Naona aibu saana, siwezi ongea..."
Mchungaji: "Owky, sawa basi.. Baada tu ya ibada kuisha tutatoka lango kuu wote na ukimuona yoyote uliyewahi zini naye we sema 'ALELUYA'... Kama umezini naye mara moja, utasema 'ALELUYA' mara moja... Kama ni mara tatu hivyo hivyo..."
Wakakubaliana na ibada ilipokwisha wote wakawa lango kuu la kutokea...
Waumini walipoanza kutoka, akapita mke wa jirani yake mmoja...
Jamaa: "ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA....
Mchungaji: "Mungu akusafishe na kukusamehe kabisa mara saba zote mlizozini..."
Punde kidogo akatoka mke wa kiongozi wa kwaya taratiibu...
Jamaa: "ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA!!!!"
Mchungaji: "Mungu awasamehe saana mara tatu zote mlizozini..."
Mke wa mzee wa kanisa akapita huku kashika biblia...
Jamaa: "ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA.....
Mchungaji: "Bwana akusamehe na kuwasafisha kabisa wote mara 5 zote ulizozini naye..."
Mara akapita mke wa mchungaji...
Jamaa: "ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA, ALELUYA...
Kabla jamaa hajamaliza Mchungaji akamzibua KOFI na kumwambia...
"PUMBAVUUUUU.... Tena SHENZI kabisa!!! Na ulaaniwe kabisa SHETWANI mkubwa we!!! Na MUNGU asikusamehe milele na moto wa JEHANAMU ukufanye kuni kabisa mbwaaah weeeeh... Tena TOKAAAAA =$@€*%# na nisikuone tena unakanyaga kanisani kwangu!!!"
A salesman rings the door bell
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny
answers.
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the
Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
answers.
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the
Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
Michango ya kanisa
Michango ya kanisa ilikuwa inakusanywa
karibu na sanamu la Bwana Yesu. Teja
akasubiri mpaka watu wote wameondoka
akaenda kwenye sanamu akaanza kuongea
nalo, "Bwana Yesu nina shida, naomba
unikopeshe hizi pesa zako". Padri alipomuona
Teja akajibanza nyuma ya sanamu la Maria
pembeni na la Yesu. Teja akaendelea kueleza
shida zake halafu akainama na kuanza
kuchota michango. Padri kuona vile akatoa
sauti "Wewe acha hizoo". Teja aliposikia sauti
akajibu:
"Samahani Maria, nadili na mwanao sio wewe!
Na hizi sio pesa zakoo!"
karibu na sanamu la Bwana Yesu. Teja
akasubiri mpaka watu wote wameondoka
akaenda kwenye sanamu akaanza kuongea
nalo, "Bwana Yesu nina shida, naomba
unikopeshe hizi pesa zako". Padri alipomuona
Teja akajibanza nyuma ya sanamu la Maria
pembeni na la Yesu. Teja akaendelea kueleza
shida zake halafu akainama na kuanza
kuchota michango. Padri kuona vile akatoa
sauti "Wewe acha hizoo". Teja aliposikia sauti
akajibu:
"Samahani Maria, nadili na mwanao sio wewe!
Na hizi sio pesa zakoo!"
Mzungu alipanda ndege na
Mzungu alipanda ndege na
mbongo. Akaanza kumdharau na kuona hajui
kitu. Akamwambia mbongo "Tucheze mchezo
wakuulizana maswali. Ukiwa hujui unanipa
mimi dola 500 na nikikosa mimi nakupa
$10,000." kwa tamaa kwamba yeye mjuzi wa
yote. mbongo akasema sawa. Mzungu
akamuuliza, "nani walipigana world war I?".
Mbongo akawa hajui akamlipa mzungu $500.
Sasa mbongo akamuuliza mzungu," Kitu gani
kinaenda juu na miguu mitatu na kinarudi
chini na miguu minne?" Mzungu kimyyyaaa!
Akamplipa mbongo $10,000. Sasa
akamuuliza, "Haya sasa niambie jibu lake
nini?"
Mbongo akamrudishie $500, akamwambia
"sijui"
mbongo. Akaanza kumdharau na kuona hajui
kitu. Akamwambia mbongo "Tucheze mchezo
wakuulizana maswali. Ukiwa hujui unanipa
mimi dola 500 na nikikosa mimi nakupa
$10,000." kwa tamaa kwamba yeye mjuzi wa
yote. mbongo akasema sawa. Mzungu
akamuuliza, "nani walipigana world war I?".
Mbongo akawa hajui akamlipa mzungu $500.
Sasa mbongo akamuuliza mzungu," Kitu gani
kinaenda juu na miguu mitatu na kinarudi
chini na miguu minne?" Mzungu kimyyyaaa!
Akamplipa mbongo $10,000. Sasa
akamuuliza, "Haya sasa niambie jibu lake
nini?"
Mbongo akamrudishie $500, akamwambia
"sijui"
Mwanamahesabu na Changudoa.
Mwanamahesabu na Changudoa.
(Changudoa);Goli moja kitandani
sh.10000,goli moja kwenye sofa sh.5000
na goli moja kwenye nyasi sh.2000.(Mteja
akatoa sh.10000). (Changudoa);Kweli
... wewe pedeshee,nilijua tu utataka
kitandani. (Mteja);Nani pedeshee?,hiyo
hela ni ya goli tano za kwenye nyasi!
(Changudoa);Goli moja kitandani
sh.10000,goli moja kwenye sofa sh.5000
na goli moja kwenye nyasi sh.2000.(Mteja
akatoa sh.10000). (Changudoa);Kweli
... wewe pedeshee,nilijua tu utataka
kitandani. (Mteja);Nani pedeshee?,hiyo
hela ni ya goli tano za kwenye nyasi!
Chinese making call
Chinese making call
Caller:can i spik 2 ANNIE WAN pls
Operator:yes u can spik 2 me
Caller:i wnt 2 spik 2 ANNIE WAN
Operator:i undrstnd u wnt 2 spik 2 ANYONE n who is
thz
Caller:im SAM WAN n nid 2 tlk 2 ANNIE WAN tz urgent
Operator:i knw ur SOMEONE n nid 2 tok 2 ANYONE
wats thz urgent
Caller:tel ANNIE WAN dat our bro NOE WAN gt an
accdnt n NOE WAN hs been rushd 2 hos dat AVARY
WAN is on his way 2 hos
Operator:luk if NO ONE ws invld in accdnt n NO ONE ws
taken 2 hos then dats nt urgent
Caller:ur so rude who r u
Operator:im SAW REE
Caller:u beta b SORRY
Caller:can i spik 2 ANNIE WAN pls
Operator:yes u can spik 2 me
Caller:i wnt 2 spik 2 ANNIE WAN
Operator:i undrstnd u wnt 2 spik 2 ANYONE n who is
thz
Caller:im SAM WAN n nid 2 tlk 2 ANNIE WAN tz urgent
Operator:i knw ur SOMEONE n nid 2 tok 2 ANYONE
wats thz urgent
Caller:tel ANNIE WAN dat our bro NOE WAN gt an
accdnt n NOE WAN hs been rushd 2 hos dat AVARY
WAN is on his way 2 hos
Operator:luk if NO ONE ws invld in accdnt n NO ONE ws
taken 2 hos then dats nt urgent
Caller:ur so rude who r u
Operator:im SAW REE
Caller:u beta b SORRY
Telephone bill
Telephone bill
Dad comes home and says to da family...
"Guys u better watch out the way u are using the telephone, because the bills are high! I'm not to blame because I use the telephone at work!!!"
Wife: "I also use the telephone at work so i'm also not responsible for high bills..."
Son: "I'm also not responsible for any high bills, because I use the telephone at school.."
Maid: "I don't see why the bills are high!!! We are all using our work place telephones..."
Dad comes home and says to da family...
"Guys u better watch out the way u are using the telephone, because the bills are high! I'm not to blame because I use the telephone at work!!!"
Wife: "I also use the telephone at work so i'm also not responsible for high bills..."
Son: "I'm also not responsible for any high bills, because I use the telephone at school.."
Maid: "I don't see why the bills are high!!! We are all using our work place telephones..."
This is the Best & most Civil Way to have A fight between Husband and Wife, Instead Of Resorting to Physical force:
This is the Best & most Civil Way to have A fight between Husband and Wife, Instead Of Resorting to Physical force:
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in Air, it was Blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart
And I got Heart Attack :/ :P
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created Pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi..
He saw me in the dark, he created Light.
He saw me without Problems, he created YOU :D
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star,
You should know what you are,
And once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far :P
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?? :|
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue,
Monkeys like you should be kept in a Zoo..!!
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too,
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you ;) ;)
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in Air, it was Blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart
And I got Heart Attack :/ :P
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created Pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi..
He saw me in the dark, he created Light.
He saw me without Problems, he created YOU :D
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star,
You should know what you are,
And once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far :P
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?? :|
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue,
Monkeys like you should be kept in a Zoo..!!
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too,
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you ;) ;)
Majambazi walivamia benki moja nchini Kenya
Majambazi walivamia benki moja nchini Kenya
na kuwaambia watu woote waliomo ndani
wasimame kwenye ukuta.
Mkuu wa majambazi wale akasema kwa sauti
"Kabla ya sisi kuondoka hapa tutawabaka
wanaume wote na kuwapora wanawake wote"
Jambazi mmoja akaona amsahihishe kiongozi
wake akamnong'oneza "Boss sema
tutawabaka wanawake na kuwapora
wanaume"
Wakati wakiambiazana haya kumbe kuna
shoga mmoja la Kimombasa
mule ndani akawasikia, shoga yule akaruka
kumwambia jambazi aliekuwa anamsahihisha
Jambazi mkuu.... "Unanini nawe kujitia
kimbelembele na umbea? He is the boss, you
should listen to him!!!"
na kuwaambia watu woote waliomo ndani
wasimame kwenye ukuta.
Mkuu wa majambazi wale akasema kwa sauti
"Kabla ya sisi kuondoka hapa tutawabaka
wanaume wote na kuwapora wanawake wote"
Jambazi mmoja akaona amsahihishe kiongozi
wake akamnong'oneza "Boss sema
tutawabaka wanawake na kuwapora
wanaume"
Wakati wakiambiazana haya kumbe kuna
shoga mmoja la Kimombasa
mule ndani akawasikia, shoga yule akaruka
kumwambia jambazi aliekuwa anamsahihisha
Jambazi mkuu.... "Unanini nawe kujitia
kimbelembele na umbea? He is the boss, you
should listen to him!!!"
The 7 Habits of Men and Women Men:
The 7 Habits of Men and Women
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for
women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't
really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always
have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they
always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get
really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't
learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with
others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial
security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and
buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they
never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they
always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes
are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag",
they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them,
when you do, they don't believe you.
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for
women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't
really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always
have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they
always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get
really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't
learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with
others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial
security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and
buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they
never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they
always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes
are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag",
they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them,
when you do, they don't believe you.
Kuna jamaa mmoja alibahatika kwenda kusoma majuu kwa miaka minne....
Kuna jamaa mmoja alibahatika kwenda kusoma majuu kwa miaka minne....
Aliporudi TZ, mwendo wake ukawa wa kudunda dunda na kuinamia upande mmoja (kushoto) huku bega la kulia akiliinua...
Siku moja mama yake akamuuliza...
"Hivi we mtoto kwa nini unatembea ukiwa umebend upande mmoja?!? Ulipata ulemavu huko?!?"
Jamaa akamjibu...
"Aah, mother unajua nnilipokuwa majuu muda mwingi nikienda class nilikuwa nashika mavitabu kwa kutumia mkono wa kushoto hivyo nshazoea bi mkubwa au sio?! Ka vipi nikaushie, usimind wala nini...."
Mama yake akamkatisha...
"Pumbavu!!!!! Nyamaza mshenzi mkubwa wewe... Mbona mimi nimewazaa nyinyi kumi na mbili lakini nikitembea mbona sikatikati viuno?!?!"
Aliporudi TZ, mwendo wake ukawa wa kudunda dunda na kuinamia upande mmoja (kushoto) huku bega la kulia akiliinua...
Siku moja mama yake akamuuliza...
"Hivi we mtoto kwa nini unatembea ukiwa umebend upande mmoja?!? Ulipata ulemavu huko?!?"
Jamaa akamjibu...
"Aah, mother unajua nnilipokuwa majuu muda mwingi nikienda class nilikuwa nashika mavitabu kwa kutumia mkono wa kushoto hivyo nshazoea bi mkubwa au sio?! Ka vipi nikaushie, usimind wala nini...."
Mama yake akamkatisha...
"Pumbavu!!!!! Nyamaza mshenzi mkubwa wewe... Mbona mimi nimewazaa nyinyi kumi na mbili lakini nikitembea mbona sikatikati viuno?!?!"
After a long night of making love
After a long night of making love, a man
noticed a photo ofanothes guy on the woman's
nightstand.
He nervously asked, ''is this your husband?''
''No, silly, ''she replied.
''Your boyfriend, then?'' he continued.
''No, not at all,''she said.
''Is it your brother?'' he inquired, hoping to be
reassured.
''No, no, no! You are so hot when you're
jealous! ''she answered.
''Well, who is he then? ''he demanded.
She whispered in his ear. ''That's me before
the surgery.'
noticed a photo ofanothes guy on the woman's
nightstand.
He nervously asked, ''is this your husband?''
''No, silly, ''she replied.
''Your boyfriend, then?'' he continued.
''No, not at all,''she said.
''Is it your brother?'' he inquired, hoping to be
reassured.
''No, no, no! You are so hot when you're
jealous! ''she answered.
''Well, who is he then? ''he demanded.
She whispered in his ear. ''That's me before
the surgery.'
mchungaji wa kizungu na mkalimani mmbongo
hii ni ya mchungaji wa kizungu na mkalimani mmbongo,
mzungu: haleluyaa
mkalimani: haleluya
mzungu: jesus is mesiah
mkaliman:yesu ni mmasai
... mzungu:jesus is masiah
mkalimani: yesu ni mmasai
mzungu:he is coming with the holly spirit
mkalimani: anakuja na lory la sprite
mzungu:than you and good bye
mkalimani:aksanteni na ununuzi mzuri
kutana na mkalimani huyu siku ya maombi katika kanisa fulan
mzungu: today i want to give you a story
malimani: leo ninataka kuwapa mtori
mzungu: jesus is about to come back
mkalimani: yesu yuko round about ya kigogo anakaribia kurudi nyuma
mzungu: i tell you once again jesus is a messiah
mkalimani: nawaambia tena yesu ni mmasai...........
mzungu: haleluyaa
mkalimani: haleluya
mzungu: jesus is mesiah
mkaliman:yesu ni mmasai
... mzungu:jesus is masiah
mkalimani: yesu ni mmasai
mzungu:he is coming with the holly spirit
mkalimani: anakuja na lory la sprite
mzungu:than you and good bye
mkalimani:aksanteni na ununuzi mzuri
kutana na mkalimani huyu siku ya maombi katika kanisa fulan
mzungu: today i want to give you a story
malimani: leo ninataka kuwapa mtori
mzungu: jesus is about to come back
mkalimani: yesu yuko round about ya kigogo anakaribia kurudi nyuma
mzungu: i tell you once again jesus is a messiah
mkalimani: nawaambia tena yesu ni mmasai...........
At Night in a Bar...
At Night in a Bar...
Bartender: "Who r u?! I never saw u before hommie...
Man: "Yeah man!! I hv nvr been here.. I Just Lost my job & came here for a drink" :(
Bartender: "What kind of job sir?!"
Man: "Well.. I am a consultant..."
Bartender: "Whats that?!"
Man: "It's a logical thinker.."
Bartender: "Logical thinker of what n how???"
Man: "Let me explain it with an example..."
Bartender: "Okay!!"
Man: "Do u have a dog?!"
Bartender: "Yes!!"
Man: "That means u love animals..."
Bartender: "True!!"
Man: "That means u love ur kids too..."
Bartender: "Ooh, yes, true also..!!!"
Man: "U have kids that means u r married..."
Bartender: "Very very true!!"
Man: "U love ur kids .. U r still married, means u have a beautiful wife.."
Bartender: "Amazing man how u know all this?!?"
Man: "Thats Logical thinking... Now u r married to a beautiful wife, so u r not GAY!!!"
Bartender: "Thats impressive!!!"
Man: "Anyways, thats how it works man!!! Time to leave buddie... See u next tym... Byeee!!!"
About 15 mins later bartender's manager cames...
Bartender: "Boss u know I met a consultant today..."
Boss: "Whats that??"
Bartender: "Its a Logical thinker..."
Boss: "Logical what??"
Bartender: "I will explain it 2 u with an example..."
Boss: "Okay!!!"
Bartender: "Do u have a DOG?!"
Boss: "Hell NO!!! I never keep dogs coz i dont lyk them!!"
Bartender: "OOOh, easy... That simply means u a GAY!!!"
Boss: "DAMN.... WHAAAAAT??! YOU ARE FIRED!!! Get OUT OF MA HOTEL NOW..." :D
Bartender: "Who r u?! I never saw u before hommie...
Man: "Yeah man!! I hv nvr been here.. I Just Lost my job & came here for a drink" :(
Bartender: "What kind of job sir?!"
Man: "Well.. I am a consultant..."
Bartender: "Whats that?!"
Man: "It's a logical thinker.."
Bartender: "Logical thinker of what n how???"
Man: "Let me explain it with an example..."
Bartender: "Okay!!"
Man: "Do u have a dog?!"
Bartender: "Yes!!"
Man: "That means u love animals..."
Bartender: "True!!"
Man: "That means u love ur kids too..."
Bartender: "Ooh, yes, true also..!!!"
Man: "U have kids that means u r married..."
Bartender: "Very very true!!"
Man: "U love ur kids .. U r still married, means u have a beautiful wife.."
Bartender: "Amazing man how u know all this?!?"
Man: "Thats Logical thinking... Now u r married to a beautiful wife, so u r not GAY!!!"
Bartender: "Thats impressive!!!"
Man: "Anyways, thats how it works man!!! Time to leave buddie... See u next tym... Byeee!!!"
About 15 mins later bartender's manager cames...
Bartender: "Boss u know I met a consultant today..."
Boss: "Whats that??"
Bartender: "Its a Logical thinker..."
Boss: "Logical what??"
Bartender: "I will explain it 2 u with an example..."
Boss: "Okay!!!"
Bartender: "Do u have a DOG?!"
Boss: "Hell NO!!! I never keep dogs coz i dont lyk them!!"
Bartender: "OOOh, easy... That simply means u a GAY!!!"
Boss: "DAMN.... WHAAAAAT??! YOU ARE FIRED!!! Get OUT OF MA HOTEL NOW..." :D
kuna bb m1 alienda benk kufungua account
kuna bb m1 alienda benk kufungua account bt alivyofka benk akawa anataka aonane na manager kwanza....customer servic wakamzuia wakidai boss yupo busy hatak kuonana na m2 by dt tym...wakat mzozo unaendelea manager akatoka oficn kwake akamwta yule bb amsaidie shda yake...bb akaenda ofcn na manager maongez yakawa hv..
MANAGER:unashda gan bib
BIB: nataka kufungua account,nweke milion 30 zangu
MANAGER: mmmh mbona unaonekana mzee xana pesa zote umeztoa wap?
BIB: Nimezpata kweny mchezo wa kupnga, hata ww ukitaka 2naweza pinga 2
MANAGER: mmh 2napingaje kwan?
BIB: aah rahis sana, mm naweka hzo milion 30 na ww weka hzo hzo,mpk kesho sa nne asubuh sehem zako za sir zitakua ngumu sana kama mawe...zcipokua hvyo umenila zkiwa nmekula ww...
MANAGER:mmmh sawa hamna shda,2mepnga
kesho yake asubuh saa nne yule bb alikuja na mzee mwngne pale benk...manager alivyomuona bb akamwambia bb umeliwa sehem zang za sir zpo km kawaida
BIB: sawa mjukuu wang xa mm ntaaminije bila kuzshika..?
MANAGER: njoo 2 uhakikishe bib...
bib akaenda akaanza kumshika yule manager sehem za sir...wakat anamshika vle yule mzee aliekuja nae akawa ameshka kichwa huku anatukana
manager akamuulza bib vip mbona yule mzee uliyekuja nae kawa vile....?
Bib akamjibu yule nilpnga nae kwa milion 80 kuwa naweza kumshika manager wa benk sehem zake za siri akabsha ndo nikapnga nae...xo kashaliwa pale
MANAGER:unashda gan bib
BIB: nataka kufungua account,nweke milion 30 zangu
MANAGER: mmmh mbona unaonekana mzee xana pesa zote umeztoa wap?
BIB: Nimezpata kweny mchezo wa kupnga, hata ww ukitaka 2naweza pinga 2
MANAGER: mmh 2napingaje kwan?
BIB: aah rahis sana, mm naweka hzo milion 30 na ww weka hzo hzo,mpk kesho sa nne asubuh sehem zako za sir zitakua ngumu sana kama mawe...zcipokua hvyo umenila zkiwa nmekula ww...
MANAGER:mmmh sawa hamna shda,2mepnga
kesho yake asubuh saa nne yule bb alikuja na mzee mwngne pale benk...manager alivyomuona bb akamwambia bb umeliwa sehem zang za sir zpo km kawaida
BIB: sawa mjukuu wang xa mm ntaaminije bila kuzshika..?
MANAGER: njoo 2 uhakikishe bib...
bib akaenda akaanza kumshika yule manager sehem za sir...wakat anamshika vle yule mzee aliekuja nae akawa ameshka kichwa huku anatukana
manager akamuulza bib vip mbona yule mzee uliyekuja nae kawa vile....?
Bib akamjibu yule nilpnga nae kwa milion 80 kuwa naweza kumshika manager wa benk sehem zake za siri akabsha ndo nikapnga nae...xo kashaliwa pale
Mmasai
Mmasai kuona bei ya sukari akaahirisha kunywa chai kwake. Siku kapita hotelini
MMASAI: Chai sh. ngapi?
MUUZAJI: sh. 100 kikombe.
MMASAI: Nipe kikombe kimoja
(mhudumu kaleta chai na sukari kwenye kibakuli)
MMASAI: kwani hii sukari nayo inauzwa? mi nimesema chai kikombe ki1
MHUDUMU: hapana sukari ni bure, hatuuzi.
MMASAI: he! kumbe! mimi imeacha kunywa chai siku nyingi ati sukari imepanda bei, nyie mnatoa bure kumbe? haya PIMA KILO MBILI HAPA!
MMASAI: Chai sh. ngapi?
MUUZAJI: sh. 100 kikombe.
MMASAI: Nipe kikombe kimoja
(mhudumu kaleta chai na sukari kwenye kibakuli)
MMASAI: kwani hii sukari nayo inauzwa? mi nimesema chai kikombe ki1
MHUDUMU: hapana sukari ni bure, hatuuzi.
MMASAI: he! kumbe! mimi imeacha kunywa chai siku nyingi ati sukari imepanda bei, nyie mnatoa bure kumbe? haya PIMA KILO MBILI HAPA!
Night In A Bar:
Night In A Bar:
Bartender: Who Are You? I never
Saw You Before...
Man: Yeah! I Just Lost My Job &
Came Here For A Drink :(
Bartender: What Kind Of Job?
Man: Well.. I Am A Consultant
Bartender: Whats That?
Man: Its a Logical Thinker
Bartender: Logical Think What???
Man: Let me Explain it With an
Example
Bartender: Okay!
Man: Do You Have A Dog?
Bartender: Yes!
Man: That Means You Love
Animals
Bartender: True!
Man: That Mean You Love Your
Kids Too
Bartender: Yes True!
Man: You Have Kids That Means
You Are Married
Bartender: Very True!!
Man: You Love Your Kids .. You are
still Married Means You Have
ABeautiful Wife
Bartender: Amazing man How u
Know all This?
Man: Thats Logical Thinking .. Now
U Are Married To A Lady So You
Are Not Gay!!
Bartender: Impressive
Man: Time To leave... Bye Tc
About 20 Mins Later Bartender
Boss Came...
Bartender: Boss You Know I met A
Consultant Today
Boss: Whats That??
Bartender: A Logical Thinker
Boss: Logical What??
Bartender: I Explain It With An
Example
Boss: Okay!
Bartender: Do You Have A DOG?
Boss: No!!
Bartender: That Means You Are
Gay!!
Boss: Damn.... YOU ARE
FIRED!!:D
Bartender: Who Are You? I never
Saw You Before...
Man: Yeah! I Just Lost My Job &
Came Here For A Drink :(
Bartender: What Kind Of Job?
Man: Well.. I Am A Consultant
Bartender: Whats That?
Man: Its a Logical Thinker
Bartender: Logical Think What???
Man: Let me Explain it With an
Example
Bartender: Okay!
Man: Do You Have A Dog?
Bartender: Yes!
Man: That Means You Love
Animals
Bartender: True!
Man: That Mean You Love Your
Kids Too
Bartender: Yes True!
Man: You Have Kids That Means
You Are Married
Bartender: Very True!!
Man: You Love Your Kids .. You are
still Married Means You Have
ABeautiful Wife
Bartender: Amazing man How u
Know all This?
Man: Thats Logical Thinking .. Now
U Are Married To A Lady So You
Are Not Gay!!
Bartender: Impressive
Man: Time To leave... Bye Tc
About 20 Mins Later Bartender
Boss Came...
Bartender: Boss You Know I met A
Consultant Today
Boss: Whats That??
Bartender: A Logical Thinker
Boss: Logical What??
Bartender: I Explain It With An
Example
Boss: Okay!
Bartender: Do You Have A DOG?
Boss: No!!
Bartender: That Means You Are
Gay!!
Boss: Damn.... YOU ARE
FIRED!!:D
A man went to the police station
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before...
"You'll get your chance in court..."
Said the desk sergeant...
"No, no, no!" insisted the man.
"I want to know how da hell he got into the house without waking my wife... I've been trying to do that for years but she wakes up and accuses me of having sex with someone!!!!"
"You'll get your chance in court..."
Said the desk sergeant...
"No, no, no!" insisted the man.
"I want to know how da hell he got into the house without waking my wife... I've been trying to do that for years but she wakes up and accuses me of having sex with someone!!!!"
Mr. Bean
Interviewer: "Mr. Bean, where were u born?!?"
Mr. Bean: "Oooh, in AMERICA.."
Interviewer: "Owky America.. Which part?!"
Mr. Bean: " Shiiiiiiit!!!! Are u insane??! What do you mean which part?!? My whole body was born there!!!"
Mr. Bean: "Oooh, in AMERICA.."
Interviewer: "Owky America.. Which part?!"
Mr. Bean: " Shiiiiiiit!!!! Are u insane??! What do you mean which part?!? My whole body was born there!!!"
Jamaa alikutana na msichan akampenda.
Jamaa alikutana na msichan akampenda. Sasas akawa anataka long kiss (mate)
msichana akakubali. Wakaanza,lakini wakati wanapata long kiss mvulana akamwambia "Subiri kwanza mbona kuna chembechembe za maharage, dagaa kwenye mdomo wako? Msichan akajibu " okk! Nilitoka kutapika muda si mrefu samahan my love ................
UNGEFANYAJE KAMA NI WEWE?
msichana akakubali. Wakaanza,lakini wakati wanapata long kiss mvulana akamwambia "Subiri kwanza mbona kuna chembechembe za maharage, dagaa kwenye mdomo wako? Msichan akajibu " okk! Nilitoka kutapika muda si mrefu samahan my love ................
UNGEFANYAJE KAMA NI WEWE?
LETTER TO JOHN IN DSM -
LETTER TO JOHN IN DSM -
THE ENDING IS JUST MAGIC.Dear Sir/MadamI acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 13 Jan 2012 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honorable and important as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.I hope that yours will come out shortly.Sincerely Yours,SiphoPS: I regret to inform you that, given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.
THE ENDING IS JUST MAGIC.Dear Sir/MadamI acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 13 Jan 2012 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honorable and important as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.I hope that yours will come out shortly.Sincerely Yours,SiphoPS: I regret to inform you that, given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.
how to make a gal happy?
how to make a gal happy?
It's not at all difficult to make girls happy.
U only
need to be ..
1. A friend
2. Companion
3. Lover
4. Chef
5. Electrician
6. Carpenter
7. Plumber
8. Mechanic
9. Decorator
10. Compassionate
11. Gentle
.
.
.
.
312. Good listener
313. Organizer
314. Good boyfriend
315. Very clean
316. Sympathetic
317. Athletic
318. Warm
319. Caring
.
.
.
1054. Courageous
1055. Determined
1056. True
1057. Dependable
1058. Intelligent
.
.
.
10013. Psychologist
10014. Pest exterminator
10015. Psychiatrist
10016. Healer
.
.
3110010. Stylist
3110011. Driver
Datz it .. :p
It's not at all difficult to make girls happy.
U only
need to be ..
1. A friend
2. Companion
3. Lover
4. Chef
5. Electrician
6. Carpenter
7. Plumber
8. Mechanic
9. Decorator
10. Compassionate
11. Gentle
.
.
.
.
312. Good listener
313. Organizer
314. Good boyfriend
315. Very clean
316. Sympathetic
317. Athletic
318. Warm
319. Caring
.
.
.
1054. Courageous
1055. Determined
1056. True
1057. Dependable
1058. Intelligent
.
.
.
10013. Psychologist
10014. Pest exterminator
10015. Psychiatrist
10016. Healer
.
.
3110010. Stylist
3110011. Driver
Datz it .. :p
An airplane takes off from the airport
An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."
Machizi
Machizi wameambiwa na mwalimu wao wachore treni na linapita kwenye reli yake... Wakachora sasa mwalimu akasema ngoja acheki mwisho wa darasa akamkuta chizi mmoja kachora reli peke yake akamuuliza kwanini umechora reli pekeyake akasema umechelewa kidogo2 limeshaondoka kwani hukusikia honi huko nje?
2 wanafunzi were fighting after exam.
2 wanafunzi were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Mwanafunzi: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Mwanafunzi: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we
both copied.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Mwanafunzi: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Mwanafunzi: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we
both copied.
mashindano ya watu wa fupi duniani
Kulikuwa na mashindano ya watu wa fupi duniani. Kuna jamaa mmoja akaamua kwenda kushiriki akiamini yeye ndiye mfupi kuliko wote. Mara alipofika mlangoni akakutana na jamaa yupo ndani ya kiberiti amenyoosha mikono na bado haonekani. Jamaa akauliza kulikoni unaatoka mapema?? Jamaa akajibu huko ndani mpambano ni mgumu kuna jamaa amekaa kwenye kiwembe na miguu haijafika chini....!!!
A pastor was driving alone at a highway, then a traffic police stoped him.
A pastor was driving alone at a highway, then a traffic police stoped him.
Pastor: yes officer?
Police: can i have ur papers
pastor: here they r.
Police: mh!
(after opening and checking everything, the police couldn't find any wrong. Bt the police was desperate to charge him)
police: u said u r a pastor. Why r u driving without a bible?
Pastor: here it is. I usually walk wit ma pocket Bible.
(police took the bible)
police: ok pastor. Am goin to charge u of drivin alone cuz i dnt knw why u r driving alone this night, what if u get hijacked or a broblem who will help u??
Pastor: am not alone my son. I walk wit Angel Gabriel, Angel Michael, Angel Raphael and 5 other protective Angels. Am safe my son
.
.
.
Police: then i guess i've to charge for overloading.
Pastor: yes officer?
Police: can i have ur papers
pastor: here they r.
Police: mh!
(after opening and checking everything, the police couldn't find any wrong. Bt the police was desperate to charge him)
police: u said u r a pastor. Why r u driving without a bible?
Pastor: here it is. I usually walk wit ma pocket Bible.
(police took the bible)
police: ok pastor. Am goin to charge u of drivin alone cuz i dnt knw why u r driving alone this night, what if u get hijacked or a broblem who will help u??
Pastor: am not alone my son. I walk wit Angel Gabriel, Angel Michael, Angel Raphael and 5 other protective Angels. Am safe my son
.
.
.
Police: then i guess i've to charge for overloading.
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
One day, she went to his parent's house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture...
While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before...
She asks the boy,
"What are they doing?"
He says,
"They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?"
"Oh, uh, that's his rope,"
He answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" She asked...
He says, "Those r his knots."
She says,
"Oh, OK, I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a man's house and go in....
She looks at him and says,
"I want you to make love to me the way those animals were..."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees...
While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes...
"Whoa, what are you doing?" He shouts!!!
The girl innocently replies,
"I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!!! The rope z too short!!!"
One day, she went to his parent's house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture...
While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before...
She asks the boy,
"What are they doing?"
He says,
"They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?"
"Oh, uh, that's his rope,"
He answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" She asked...
He says, "Those r his knots."
She says,
"Oh, OK, I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a man's house and go in....
She looks at him and says,
"I want you to make love to me the way those animals were..."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees...
While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes...
"Whoa, what are you doing?" He shouts!!!
The girl innocently replies,
"I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!!! The rope z too short!!!"
CHEPE alikuwa anamlalamikia rafiki yake
Ebwana daaaaah!!!!! CHEPE alikuwa anamlalamikia rafiki yake kuwa Kiganja chake kinamuuma sana, inabidi akamuone daktari....
Rafiki yake akamjibu...
"Haina haja ya daktari.. Kuna computer mashine moja inaweza gundua tatizo lako na kukushauri haraka na kwa gharama nafuu zaidi ya kwa daktari...
Cha kufanya we beba kwenye kichupa kiasi kidogo cha haja ndogo na atakutatulia tatizo lako kwa 10,000/= tuu!!!"
Chepe kuona hivyo hakutaka poteza muda... Akabeba kiasi cha mkojo na kwenda kuonana na hiyo computer...
Baada ya kukabidhi, ile Computer ikaanza kuunguruma kwa dk. 1, ikabeep na kutoa kikaratasi cha majibu yake kilichosema....
******************************
TATIZO:
-Unauvimbe ndani ya kiganja.
TIBA:
-Hakikisha unakanda kiganja chako na maji ya moto kila siku na epuka kukitumia hicho kiganja kwa kazi yoyote ile mpaka upone..
-Utapona ndani ya wiki moja!!
******************************
Daaah, Chepe akatoka haamini hiyo technolojia mpya na jinsi inavyoweza fanya kazi... Akawaza na kusema...
"Haiwezekani... Siamini kabisa, ngoja niitegee mtego tuone kama ni kweli iko fit au utapeli tuu..."
Siku iliyofuata Chepe akaamua kumix maji ya bomba, mkojo wa mbwa wake, kiasi cha mkojo wa mke wake na wa mwanae... Akaona haitoshi akaamua kumasturbate humo humo ili kuikomoa ile Computer!!
Akaenda tena kwa ile Computer, akakabidhi pamoja na elfu kumi na kusubiri majibu... Computer kama kawaida ikanguruma dk. 1, ikabeep na kumpa majibu yake:
******************************
TATIZO 1.
-Maji yako ya bomba si salama, ukinywa utapata kipindupindu.
TIBA
-Hakikisha unayachemsha kabla ya kunywa...
TATIZO 2.
-Mbwa wako anagonorrhea!!
TIBA
-Anza kumpa dawa ya ant-bacterium Neisseria!!
TATIZO 3.
-Mtoto wako anatumia cocaine na madawa mengine ya kulevya.
TIBA
-Mpeleke kwa washahuri nasaha kabla hajawa teja..
TATIZO 4.
-Mkeo anamimba, watoto mapacha!
TIBA
-Pole sana, Jiandae kulea mapacha ambao si wako!!
TATIZO 5.
-Kiganja chako kina uvimbe.
TIBA
-Usipoacha kumasturbate, hicho kiganja chako hakita pona KAMWE!!
NB: Ongeza hela kwa sababu nimetafiti sample tano, sample ya MAJI, MBWA, MKEO, MWANAO na WEWE. Jumla 50,000/=!!!!
******************************
***Copy write protected by Da Legendary Jason***
Rafiki yake akamjibu...
"Haina haja ya daktari.. Kuna computer mashine moja inaweza gundua tatizo lako na kukushauri haraka na kwa gharama nafuu zaidi ya kwa daktari...
Cha kufanya we beba kwenye kichupa kiasi kidogo cha haja ndogo na atakutatulia tatizo lako kwa 10,000/= tuu!!!"
Chepe kuona hivyo hakutaka poteza muda... Akabeba kiasi cha mkojo na kwenda kuonana na hiyo computer...
Baada ya kukabidhi, ile Computer ikaanza kuunguruma kwa dk. 1, ikabeep na kutoa kikaratasi cha majibu yake kilichosema....
******************************
TATIZO:
-Unauvimbe ndani ya kiganja.
TIBA:
-Hakikisha unakanda kiganja chako na maji ya moto kila siku na epuka kukitumia hicho kiganja kwa kazi yoyote ile mpaka upone..
-Utapona ndani ya wiki moja!!
******************************
Daaah, Chepe akatoka haamini hiyo technolojia mpya na jinsi inavyoweza fanya kazi... Akawaza na kusema...
"Haiwezekani... Siamini kabisa, ngoja niitegee mtego tuone kama ni kweli iko fit au utapeli tuu..."
Siku iliyofuata Chepe akaamua kumix maji ya bomba, mkojo wa mbwa wake, kiasi cha mkojo wa mke wake na wa mwanae... Akaona haitoshi akaamua kumasturbate humo humo ili kuikomoa ile Computer!!
Akaenda tena kwa ile Computer, akakabidhi pamoja na elfu kumi na kusubiri majibu... Computer kama kawaida ikanguruma dk. 1, ikabeep na kumpa majibu yake:
******************************
TATIZO 1.
-Maji yako ya bomba si salama, ukinywa utapata kipindupindu.
TIBA
-Hakikisha unayachemsha kabla ya kunywa...
TATIZO 2.
-Mbwa wako anagonorrhea!!
TIBA
-Anza kumpa dawa ya ant-bacterium Neisseria!!
TATIZO 3.
-Mtoto wako anatumia cocaine na madawa mengine ya kulevya.
TIBA
-Mpeleke kwa washahuri nasaha kabla hajawa teja..
TATIZO 4.
-Mkeo anamimba, watoto mapacha!
TIBA
-Pole sana, Jiandae kulea mapacha ambao si wako!!
TATIZO 5.
-Kiganja chako kina uvimbe.
TIBA
-Usipoacha kumasturbate, hicho kiganja chako hakita pona KAMWE!!
NB: Ongeza hela kwa sababu nimetafiti sample tano, sample ya MAJI, MBWA, MKEO, MWANAO na WEWE. Jumla 50,000/=!!!!
******************************
***Copy write protected by Da Legendary Jason***
Bubba and his lover
Bubba and his lover went to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them duing anythn wrong.... Hence, they had sex the whole noon in-front of the doctor...
While they were getting dressed the doctor told Bubba...
"Well, I didn't see anything wrong!!!"
Thus, Bubba and his wife left.
A week later Bubba and his wife came again and ask the doctor to watch and see if they were duing anythn wrong again...
They had sex and the doctor says,
"Woooow, again i didn't see anythn wrong... You guys know very well how to make love..."
This went out for weeks...
At last the doctor had enough and decided to ask Bubba why they kept out coming while there was nothing wrong...??!
Hence Bubba replied...
"I am so sorry Doctor, the problem is, if we go to her house her husband will catch us... If we go to ma house ma wife will catch us... Also on streets, there are police... Hotels cost fifty dollars... Here it's only 5 dollars for doctor's checkup advice...!!!"
While they were getting dressed the doctor told Bubba...
"Well, I didn't see anything wrong!!!"
Thus, Bubba and his wife left.
A week later Bubba and his wife came again and ask the doctor to watch and see if they were duing anythn wrong again...
They had sex and the doctor says,
"Woooow, again i didn't see anythn wrong... You guys know very well how to make love..."
This went out for weeks...
At last the doctor had enough and decided to ask Bubba why they kept out coming while there was nothing wrong...??!
Hence Bubba replied...
"I am so sorry Doctor, the problem is, if we go to her house her husband will catch us... If we go to ma house ma wife will catch us... Also on streets, there are police... Hotels cost fifty dollars... Here it's only 5 dollars for doctor's checkup advice...!!!"
nyani alichoka kuishi
Siku moja nyani alichoka kuishi akatafuta all means ya kujiua akashindwa!akamfata simba alielala na kumchokoza ili aliwe afe!basi alienda akamtia kidole" NYUMA"mpka simba akaamka.simba akauliza..ni nan huyo?NYANI:ni mimi..!simba akauliza,kuna yeyote kaona?NYAN:hapana..!SIMBA:basi
Machiz wakiwa katka vpmo
Machiz wakiwa katka vpmo,akaitwa wa chz kwanza Dokta:hv ww ukpewa ndizi utafanyaje?? CHIZI 1:ntaiosha DOKTA:halafu...?? CHIZI 1:ntaimenya,ntaiweka kwny sahan halfu ntaila........akaitwa wa pili kumbe yule wa pili aliibia majbu ya mwenzie bac kaz ikawa hv DOKTA:wewe ukipewa baiskel utaifanyaje..?CHIZI 2:ntaichukua DOKTA:halafu..?? CHIZI:ntaiosha ntaiweka kwny sahan halfu ntaila...........dokta hoiiii
12 TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK We all have one of each of these types of friends on our list:
12 TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK We all have one of each of these types of friends on our list:
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public. ...
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8) The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and Lastly....
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates...
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public. ...
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8) The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and Lastly....
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates...
Pedeshe mmoja
Pedeshe mmoja akiwa na mkewe walikwenda muziki, binti mzuri alipita na kumsalimu pedeshe. kuona hivyo mama akapatwa shaka, basi yakaanza mahojiano:
Mama: Yule ni nani?’
Pedeshee: ‘Huyo ni nyumba ndogo yangu’.
Mama: Nataka talaka yangu’.
... Pedeshe: ’Powa nitakupa, lakini kumbuka safari za kwenda Uchina na Dubai ndio zitakuwa basi tena, na ishu za kwenda saluni mara mbili kwa wiki utazikosa, sijui utakuwa unatumia gari gani maana sitakuachia gari hata moja’.
Mama: kimya.
Basi mara akapita binti mwingine ikaanza awamu nyingine ya mazungumzo
Pedeshe: Mama watoto huyo aliyepita punde ni nyumba ndogo ya rafiki yangu’.
Mama: Mhhh huyu wala siyo mzuri kama nyumba ndogo yetu’
Mama: Yule ni nani?’
Pedeshee: ‘Huyo ni nyumba ndogo yangu’.
Mama: Nataka talaka yangu’.
... Pedeshe: ’Powa nitakupa, lakini kumbuka safari za kwenda Uchina na Dubai ndio zitakuwa basi tena, na ishu za kwenda saluni mara mbili kwa wiki utazikosa, sijui utakuwa unatumia gari gani maana sitakuachia gari hata moja’.
Mama: kimya.
Basi mara akapita binti mwingine ikaanza awamu nyingine ya mazungumzo
Pedeshe: Mama watoto huyo aliyepita punde ni nyumba ndogo ya rafiki yangu’.
Mama: Mhhh huyu wala siyo mzuri kama nyumba ndogo yetu’
Teh teh teh, CHUKUA HII...
Teh teh teh, CHUKUA HII...
Bubba aliingia offisini leo asubuhi macho yake yote mawili yakiwa mekunduuu yamevimba!!
Bosi akamuuliza,
"Vp Bubba?!? Kulikoni??"
Bubba kajibu..
"Jana J'pili nlipokuwa kanisani mbele yangu alikaa mmama mmoja mneneeeeeeeeh, sasa tuliposimama wakati wa kuimba nyimbo za sifa, nligundua gauni lake limenasa kwenye makalio yake (MFEREJINI)... Kwahiyo nilipoona hivyo nikaamua kiroho safi kumsaidia kulichomoa!!! Ile namaliza kulichomoa makalioni mwake tuu, akanitwanga bonge la ngumi jicho la kulia..."
Bosi akauliza tena....
"Mbona sasa na la kushoto ni jekundu tena limevimba zaidi??"
Bubba akajibu kwa huruma....
"Yani we acha tuuu... Sasa mimi nlipoona hakupenda nilichomfanya si ndo nikaamua kulirudishia ndani kati kati ya makalio yake (MFEREJINI) kama lilivyokuwa..."
Bubba aliingia offisini leo asubuhi macho yake yote mawili yakiwa mekunduuu yamevimba!!
Bosi akamuuliza,
"Vp Bubba?!? Kulikoni??"
Bubba kajibu..
"Jana J'pili nlipokuwa kanisani mbele yangu alikaa mmama mmoja mneneeeeeeeeh, sasa tuliposimama wakati wa kuimba nyimbo za sifa, nligundua gauni lake limenasa kwenye makalio yake (MFEREJINI)... Kwahiyo nilipoona hivyo nikaamua kiroho safi kumsaidia kulichomoa!!! Ile namaliza kulichomoa makalioni mwake tuu, akanitwanga bonge la ngumi jicho la kulia..."
Bosi akauliza tena....
"Mbona sasa na la kushoto ni jekundu tena limevimba zaidi??"
Bubba akajibu kwa huruma....
"Yani we acha tuuu... Sasa mimi nlipoona hakupenda nilichomfanya si ndo nikaamua kulirudishia ndani kati kati ya makalio yake (MFEREJINI) kama lilivyokuwa..."
John and Mary
When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 ...in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?
John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”.
In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 ...in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?
John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”.
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