Dogo alikuwa kwenye gari na baba yake wakitoka harusini walipocmamashwa na trafic..
Trafic: "Hivi unajua taa yako moja ya kushoto haiwaki?!"
Dingi: "Daaah, nisamehe mkuu, nlikuwa cjui kabisa, itakuwa imeungua muda si mrefu.."
Dogo: "Lakini baba c toka juzi nakwambia uibadilishe taa ya gari imeungua huckii?!"
(dingi akamcheki kwa hacra then akachuna..)
Trafic: "Embu toa leseni yako..."
Dingi akampa leseni trafic...
Trafic: "Mbona leseni yako ime-expire miezi mitatu iliyopita?!"
Dingi: "Samahani afande.. Ntaenda renew kesho.."
Dogo: "Lakini baba... mama c alisema hiyo leseni ni feki inabidi uombe mpya?!"
Dingi: "We mbwa unajua nitakukata makofi wewe?! Embu funga bakuli lako..."
Trafic: "Hivi we mtoto baba yako cku zote anaongeaga na wewe hivi nyumbani?!"
Dogo: "Hapana... Huwa anakuwa hivi akishakunywa sana pombe na kuwa TILALILA!!!"
Another Jason Nchimbi's BLOG...
Sunday, January 29, 2012
TILALILA
Kuna jamaa mmoja alikuwa ''TILALILA'' fulu chicha ile laana adi mida ya saa9 za ucku! sasa wakati alipotaka kurejea nyumban kwake ikambidi akachukue gari lake aondoke. Mmmh! tuwe makin wakat mwengine jaman bac jamaa akajikuta kapiga cmu police analalamika walinzi wa hotelin hapo alipokuwa akinywa ni wazembe na wamesababisha kaibiwa SAIT MIRA, DASH BODY, GIA BOX na STARLING ya gari yake: Basi police haraka haraka wakafika eneo la tukio, wakamuona mzee akishuka kutoka ktk gari yake akiwa anayumba ile mbaya bac police ikabid wamuulize yule mzee tena taaratibu na upole wa hali ya juu, mzee wetu kulikon ebu tueleze ilikuwaje...? Jaman chonde chonde tuwe makin, Yule MZEE akasema tena taaratibu na kwa upole...''AAAH! WAZEE, SAMAHANINI BANA KUMBE NILIKUWA NIMEINGIA NYUMA KWENYE VITI VYA ABIRIA SASA SIKUONA GIA BOX, STARLING, SAIT MIRROR PAMOJA NA DASHBODY YANGU'' hehehee sasa sijui ni nn kilichoendelea huko mbelen baadae. Ingekuwa ni wewe cjui ungewaambia nini...?
PERIODIC TABLE
A new addition to the periodic table of chemical elements.
Element name: Girl
Symbol: Gl
Atomic weight: Don't even dare 2 ask.!
Physical props: Boils at anything, can freeze at anytime, melts if handled with care and love, Very bitter if mishandled..!
Chemical props: Very reactive, highly unstable, possess strong affinity 4 gold,platinum, diamond, and other precious items, money reducing agent, volatile when left alone.
Uses: Mainly used 2 DESTROY Men..
Element name: Girl
Symbol: Gl
Atomic weight: Don't even dare 2 ask.!
Physical props: Boils at anything, can freeze at anytime, melts if handled with care and love, Very bitter if mishandled..!
Chemical props: Very reactive, highly unstable, possess strong affinity 4 gold,platinum, diamond, and other precious items, money reducing agent, volatile when left alone.
Uses: Mainly used 2 DESTROY Men..
MUISLAMU
Sikia hii!
Mwisilamu mtoro wa msikitini leo kapatikana...
Shehe- Uislamu una nguzo kuu ngapi???
Mwislamu- Inategemea na ukubwa wa msikiti ustathi!
Shehe-uwiiii çna muumini hapa!
Mwisilamu mtoro wa msikitini leo kapatikana...
Shehe- Uislamu una nguzo kuu ngapi???
Mwislamu- Inategemea na ukubwa wa msikiti ustathi!
Shehe-uwiiii çna muumini hapa!
MILLIONERE
Poor Jonny went to visit his uncle who z a millionaire n dic was da comversation before even he said his ploblem after beeng welcomed...
Uncle: "Hey Jonny, what would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo , or Coffee?"
Jonny: "Tea please.."
Uncle: " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Jonny: "Ceylon tea.."
Uncle: "How would you like it!? Black or white?"
Jonny: "White sir.."
Uncle "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Jonny: "With milk plz.."
Uncle: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Jonny: "With cow milk uncle.."
Uncle: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Jonny: " Um, I'll take it black... Africaner..."
Jonny: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Jonny: "With sugar sir.."
Uncle: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Jonny: "Cane sugar plz"
Uncle: "White, brown or yellow sugar cane?"
Jonny: "Forget about tea, just give me a glass of water instead...!!!!"
Uncle: "Mineral water or still water? "
Jonny: "Mineral water plz.."
Uncle: "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Jonny: "Shit! I'll rather die of thirst... Bye!!!"
Uncle: "Hey Jonny, what would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo , or Coffee?"
Jonny: "Tea please.."
Uncle: " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Jonny: "Ceylon tea.."
Uncle: "How would you like it!? Black or white?"
Jonny: "White sir.."
Uncle "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Jonny: "With milk plz.."
Uncle: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Jonny: "With cow milk uncle.."
Uncle: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Jonny: " Um, I'll take it black... Africaner..."
Jonny: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Jonny: "With sugar sir.."
Uncle: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Jonny: "Cane sugar plz"
Uncle: "White, brown or yellow sugar cane?"
Jonny: "Forget about tea, just give me a glass of water instead...!!!!"
Uncle: "Mineral water or still water? "
Jonny: "Mineral water plz.."
Uncle: "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Jonny: "Shit! I'll rather die of thirst... Bye!!!"
Reasons to allow drinking at work...
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
MAMA MKWE...
Kulikuwa na jamaa mmoja alizoe kila anapotoka kuoga anachungulia nje kisha anatoka mbio bila kuvaa nguo anaingia ndan kwake, asa ckumoja km kawaida yk kaoga akachungulia nje akaona kupo shwar akatoka mbio kufika ndani kwake mara anakutana na ma mkwe kakaa kwenyd makochi
MAJAMAA NA SIMBA
jamaa wawili walikua marafik sana: Mmoja alikuwa mlenga shabaha, na mwengine mtaalam wa kuchuna ngozi! wakaenda pori kuwinda, mtaalam wa kulenga shabaha akashuka kwenda kuwinda, ackuambie m2 yataka moyo...huku na kule mara ghafla jamaa kakutana na SIMBA! Kukimbia jamaa anamwambia mwenzake yule mtaalam wa kuchuna ngoz aliyebaki kwenye gari fungua mlango, jamaa akafungua mlango ile anaruka2 mara jamaa akajikwaa akadondoka wakat SIMBA naye alikuwa amesharuka, bac yule simba akapitiliza adi ndani ya gari...ackuambie m2 jamaa aliinuka fasta na kufunga mlango: Akamwambia yule mtaalam wa kuchuna ngozi wewe endelea kumchuna wacha mm nikamtafute mwingine...kama ni wewe mzee ukabahatika kumchuna huyo simba ukakutana na huyo jamaa cndio kummeza mzima mzima...
Duuuuh, kazi zingine NOUMER....
Abiria mmoja aliyekaa siti ya nyuma ndani ya Tax alimgusa begani dereva Tax ili amuulize kitu... Ile kumgusa tu, dereva akashtuka na kupiga kelele mpaka akapoteza uelekeo na kunusurika kugonga maduka mawili na kundi la watu...
Dereva: "Daaaaah, umenishtua saaana... Yani kidogo roho initoke.."
Abiria: "Samahani sana... Sikutegemea kama kukugusa kidogo hivyo kungekushtua kiasi hicho, nilitaka tu nikuulize swali..."
Dereva: "Usihofu, si kosa lako... Ni siku yangu ya kwanza kama Dereva Tax.... Kwa miaka 15 nilikuwa mwendesha gari la maiti..." :P :D
Dereva: "Daaaaah, umenishtua saaana... Yani kidogo roho initoke.."
Abiria: "Samahani sana... Sikutegemea kama kukugusa kidogo hivyo kungekushtua kiasi hicho, nilitaka tu nikuulize swali..."
Dereva: "Usihofu, si kosa lako... Ni siku yangu ya kwanza kama Dereva Tax.... Kwa miaka 15 nilikuwa mwendesha gari la maiti..." :P :D
MTOTO
Kuna mtoto alizaliwa akawa
haongei mpka alivyotimiza umri
wa miaka 8,neno lake la kwanza
kuongea likawa ni bibi,mara bibi
yake akafa ghafla,akaja tena
akatamka babu,naye babu akafa
ghafla,kwa hiyo watu wakawa na
wasiwasi na matamshi yake,ikaja
siku akatamka baba,basi baba
akawa na presha alijuwa naye
atakufa ghafla,matokeo yake
akaja kufa houseboy ghafla
haongei mpka alivyotimiza umri
wa miaka 8,neno lake la kwanza
kuongea likawa ni bibi,mara bibi
yake akafa ghafla,akaja tena
akatamka babu,naye babu akafa
ghafla,kwa hiyo watu wakawa na
wasiwasi na matamshi yake,ikaja
siku akatamka baba,basi baba
akawa na presha alijuwa naye
atakufa ghafla,matokeo yake
akaja kufa houseboy ghafla
TARIMO NA MASAWE
Tarimo alikuwa anamdai Masawe nahivi ndivyo ilivyokuwa kwenye simu...
Tarimo: "Haloo.. Habari yako Masawe..."
Masawe: "Safi kabisa aiseee..."
Tarimo: " Vp, Kuhusu deni langu?!"
Masawe: "Sikusikii freshi... Unasema?!"
Tarimo: "Deni langu, vp?!"
Masawe: "Yani nakusikia kwa mbaaaaaaaaali!!!"
Tarimo: "Mechi ya jana ulicheki ya starz na Rwanda?!"
Masawe: "Ebwana... Taifa starz wanajitahidi sana siku hizi, yani..."
Tarimo: "Pesa yangu utanilipa lini?!"
Masawe: "Simu imeanza katika katika tena..."
Tarimo: "Deni langu utanilipa au?!"
Masawe: "Simu imeanza katika katika tena aisee... Naona hapa pembeni watoto wamewasha BOLINGO ndiyo maana simu inakatika nguja nizime... eheee?!"
Tarimo: "Pesa yangu VIPI?!"
Masawe: "Hapo ndiyo umetibua kabisa yaani hata sisikii kitu aisee!!"
Tarim: "Ninaweza kukupa ofa ya pombe leo?!"
Masawe: "Ewaaaah, hapo nmekusikia kuliko station yoyote hapa Tanzania... Yani na nilivyo na kiu ntashukuru sana aiseee..."
Tarimo: "Pumbavu sana, vingine unasikia.. Pesa yangu unalipa au hulipi?!
Masawe: (KIMYA)
Tarimo: "Haloo, haloooo, unanisikia?!"
Masawe: "SIMU YA MTEJA ULIYEKUWA UNAONGEA NAYE, HAIPATIKANI, TAFADHARI JARIBU KWANZA KUSAMEHE DENI... BEEEEEEEEEP!!!"
Tarimo: "Haloo.. Habari yako Masawe..."
Masawe: "Safi kabisa aiseee..."
Tarimo: " Vp, Kuhusu deni langu?!"
Masawe: "Sikusikii freshi... Unasema?!"
Tarimo: "Deni langu, vp?!"
Masawe: "Yani nakusikia kwa mbaaaaaaaaali!!!"
Tarimo: "Mechi ya jana ulicheki ya starz na Rwanda?!"
Masawe: "Ebwana... Taifa starz wanajitahidi sana siku hizi, yani..."
Tarimo: "Pesa yangu utanilipa lini?!"
Masawe: "Simu imeanza katika katika tena..."
Tarimo: "Deni langu utanilipa au?!"
Masawe: "Simu imeanza katika katika tena aisee... Naona hapa pembeni watoto wamewasha BOLINGO ndiyo maana simu inakatika nguja nizime... eheee?!"
Tarimo: "Pesa yangu VIPI?!"
Masawe: "Hapo ndiyo umetibua kabisa yaani hata sisikii kitu aisee!!"
Tarim: "Ninaweza kukupa ofa ya pombe leo?!"
Masawe: "Ewaaaah, hapo nmekusikia kuliko station yoyote hapa Tanzania... Yani na nilivyo na kiu ntashukuru sana aiseee..."
Tarimo: "Pumbavu sana, vingine unasikia.. Pesa yangu unalipa au hulipi?!
Masawe: (KIMYA)
Tarimo: "Haloo, haloooo, unanisikia?!"
Masawe: "SIMU YA MTEJA ULIYEKUWA UNAONGEA NAYE, HAIPATIKANI, TAFADHARI JARIBU KWANZA KUSAMEHE DENI... BEEEEEEEEEP!!!"
A Husband and Wife
A Husband and Wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a ‘PHONE CALL’ so that the kids will not decode...
One day they had a fight and wife stopped talking to the husband and they were talking to each other thru kids.
The husband to his son - "Tell your mom that Daddy wants to make a phone call".
Mother replies: "Tell your dad that the Network is down today".
Dad replies: "Tell your mom that if there is no Network at home, I will go to a Public Phone”.
Mother to her son - "Tell your dad, if he dare go to a Public Phone, she will open a Call Center at home...!!!" =))
One day they had a fight and wife stopped talking to the husband and they were talking to each other thru kids.
The husband to his son - "Tell your mom that Daddy wants to make a phone call".
Mother replies: "Tell your dad that the Network is down today".
Dad replies: "Tell your mom that if there is no Network at home, I will go to a Public Phone”.
Mother to her son - "Tell your dad, if he dare go to a Public Phone, she will open a Call Center at home...!!!" =))
Macho mekundu
Kuna jamaa mmoja alikwenda ofisini J3 macho yake yote yakiwa mekunduuu!!
Bosi akamuuliza, "wewe kulikoni??"
Jamaa kajibu.."Jpili nlipokuwa kanisani mbele yangu alikaa mmama mmoja mneneeee, sasa tuliposimama wakati wa kuimba nyimbo za sifa, nligundua gauni lake limenasa kwy makalio ( MFEREJINI), sasa nlipoamua kumsaidia nilichomoe, akanitwanga ngumi jicho la kulia"
Bosi akauliza mbona sasa na la kushoto ni jekundu??
Jamaa akajibu.."sasa nlipoona hakupenda mm kulichomoa ktkt ya makalio, nkaamua kulirudishia ndani MFEREJINI kama lilivyokuwa"
Bosi akamuuliza, "wewe kulikoni??"
Jamaa kajibu.."Jpili nlipokuwa kanisani mbele yangu alikaa mmama mmoja mneneeee, sasa tuliposimama wakati wa kuimba nyimbo za sifa, nligundua gauni lake limenasa kwy makalio ( MFEREJINI), sasa nlipoamua kumsaidia nilichomoe, akanitwanga ngumi jicho la kulia"
Bosi akauliza mbona sasa na la kushoto ni jekundu??
Jamaa akajibu.."sasa nlipoona hakupenda mm kulichomoa ktkt ya makalio, nkaamua kulirudishia ndani MFEREJINI kama lilivyokuwa"
MPARE
Tajiri kanunua mbuzi! Akamwambia mpishi!
"Nyama nusu ipike pilau na nyingine itie kwenye
friza!
Kichwa fanya supu na miguu fanya mchuzi
chukuchuku!
Ngozi usitupe tutafanya mswala, utumbo pika na
ndizi na mifupa tutawauzia wenye mbwa!"
Mpishi akamuliza:
"Hutaki na sauti ya mbuzi tukichinja tufanye ring
tone kwenye simu yako?"
"Nyama nusu ipike pilau na nyingine itie kwenye
friza!
Kichwa fanya supu na miguu fanya mchuzi
chukuchuku!
Ngozi usitupe tutafanya mswala, utumbo pika na
ndizi na mifupa tutawauzia wenye mbwa!"
Mpishi akamuliza:
"Hutaki na sauti ya mbuzi tukichinja tufanye ring
tone kwenye simu yako?"
Italian neighbor
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor
in the hospital, who just had a very serious
traffic accident. He doesn't look like very
much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a
bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he
looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes
closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his
eyes jump wide open and he starts to
gurgle and during his last gasp for air he
says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad
widow that her husband had something to
say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it
sounded like Mi stai bloccando il
d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?"
And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you
git.
in the hospital, who just had a very serious
traffic accident. He doesn't look like very
much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a
bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he
looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes
closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his
eyes jump wide open and he starts to
gurgle and during his last gasp for air he
says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad
widow that her husband had something to
say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it
sounded like Mi stai bloccando il
d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?"
And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you
git.
FAGIO WA NJE
Kulikuwa na muuza mishkak mmoja amezungwa na wateja weng wakinunua hyo mishkak akatokea mteja eeeh bwna makeko mbna leo mishkak inamichanga ili anguka chn nin... bila uoga akajb aah c mdogo wang huyo nimem2ma fagio wa bafun ye kaleta wa nje ndo mana inamichanga!
Jambazi
Jambazi alivamia nyumba akawavua nguo mtu na
mkewe halafu akawafunga kamba. Alipomaliza
kuiba, akamsogelea mke akamng'ong'oneza halafu
akaingia bafuni. Mumewe akamwambia mkewe "
Najua anakuja kukubaka, jikaze mke wangu ubaki
hai nakupenda sana". Mkewe akamjibu "Jamaa alikuwa anaulizia vaseline ilipo, yeye basha!
Kwahio jikaze mume wangu nakupenda sana!"
mkewe halafu akawafunga kamba. Alipomaliza
kuiba, akamsogelea mke akamng'ong'oneza halafu
akaingia bafuni. Mumewe akamwambia mkewe "
Najua anakuja kukubaka, jikaze mke wangu ubaki
hai nakupenda sana". Mkewe akamjibu "Jamaa alikuwa anaulizia vaseline ilipo, yeye basha!
Kwahio jikaze mume wangu nakupenda sana!"
LOVE LETTER IN MATHS
My Dear SweetHeart,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house
in trigonometric lane.There I saw you with our cute
circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes,
standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing
you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of
magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation
of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it
differentiated. My love for you is a quadratic
equation with real roots, which only you can solve
by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.I
promise that I should not resolve you into partial
functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by
applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as
essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute
personality. My love, if you do not meet me at
parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the
sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart
would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of
maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Truly Yours
Cico John
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house
in trigonometric lane.There I saw you with our cute
circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes,
standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing
you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of
magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation
of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it
differentiated. My love for you is a quadratic
equation with real roots, which only you can solve
by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.I
promise that I should not resolve you into partial
functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by
applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as
essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute
personality. My love, if you do not meet me at
parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the
sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart
would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of
maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Truly Yours
Cico John
In a kindergarten class
In a kindergarten class 3 kids were told to compose sentences in English about starting their day using three words:
Green, Pink, Yellow
The 1st kid said, "I wake-a up een the morning, and-a I see the yellow sun, a green grass-a and I weesh-a that my day will be a pink day."
The 2nd kid said, "I wake up in ze morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in ze evening I watch ze Pink Pantter show on ze TV."
Then comes the johnny, shaking his head, "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone ringing green green, I pink it up and I say Yellow."
Green, Pink, Yellow
The 1st kid said, "I wake-a up een the morning, and-a I see the yellow sun, a green grass-a and I weesh-a that my day will be a pink day."
The 2nd kid said, "I wake up in ze morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in ze evening I watch ze Pink Pantter show on ze TV."
Then comes the johnny, shaking his head, "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone ringing green green, I pink it up and I say Yellow."
A black man
A black man walks into a restaurant in America. Sits down at a table waiting for service....
A white man comes up to him and says,
"There are no colored people allowed to sit here..."
The black man stands up and says,
"When I was born I was black. When I am sick I am black. When I am embarrassed I am black. When I am sad i am black. When I am dead I will be black..."
Da guy continued...
"But look at you dude, when you were born, you were pink. When you are sad you are blue. When you are embarrassed you are red. When you are sick you are green. When you die you are purple... You still have the nerve to say that I am coloured?!?"
A white man comes up to him and says,
"There are no colored people allowed to sit here..."
The black man stands up and says,
"When I was born I was black. When I am sick I am black. When I am embarrassed I am black. When I am sad i am black. When I am dead I will be black..."
Da guy continued...
"But look at you dude, when you were born, you were pink. When you are sad you are blue. When you are embarrassed you are red. When you are sick you are green. When you die you are purple... You still have the nerve to say that I am coloured?!?"
REPORT
A man in USA saw a dog about to bite a lady,! he kicked the dog to death! a reporter wrote US citizen save the lady from dog, the man said "i am noy US citizen" report changed; foreign hero save the la lady from dog, the man says "actualy am a muslim frm pakistan" see next day headlines; terrorist attacks local dog!!!!!!!!!!!
Majibu ya kukatana stim 2011 toka kwa MAKONDA....
Mlokole: "Nyimbo gani mnapiga?!? Wekeni nyimbo za yesu.."
Konda: "Vunga wewe, Yesu bado hajatoa album..."
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Abiria: "Kuna Kiti au unasema panda tu!?"
Konda: "We taahira nini, hao wengine wamekalia ndoo?! "
******************************
Abiria: "Embu punguzeni sauti ya redio..."
Konda: "Sheria za nchi tu ziko za kutosha, tusikilize na zako!?"
******************************
Mmama: "Bwana ondoa gari joto sana!!"
Konda: "Uctuzingue wewe, shuka upande fridge...."
******************************
Konda: "Anti, kuna siti pale nyuma,ingia...."
Anti: "Siwezi kaa siti za nyuma..."
Konda: "Kwenda zako wewe, sio muendaji!!! Kwani za nyuma ziko nje ya gari?!"
******************************
Sister duu: "Konda unanibana bwana..."
Konda: "Zinabanana ndizi haziongei, kama ulitaka kujiachia c ungekoni treni pekeyako!!!"
******************************
Sharobaro: "Kuna kiti?! Kama hamna sipandi..."
Konda: "Mpuuzi kweli, wa wapi wewe... Kama ulikuwa unaogopa kukosa kiti c ungebeba chako!!?"
******************************
Konda: "Vunga wewe, Yesu bado hajatoa album..."
******************************
Abiria: "Kuna Kiti au unasema panda tu!?"
Konda: "We taahira nini, hao wengine wamekalia ndoo?! "
******************************
Abiria: "Embu punguzeni sauti ya redio..."
Konda: "Sheria za nchi tu ziko za kutosha, tusikilize na zako!?"
******************************
Mmama: "Bwana ondoa gari joto sana!!"
Konda: "Uctuzingue wewe, shuka upande fridge...."
******************************
Konda: "Anti, kuna siti pale nyuma,ingia...."
Anti: "Siwezi kaa siti za nyuma..."
Konda: "Kwenda zako wewe, sio muendaji!!! Kwani za nyuma ziko nje ya gari?!"
******************************
Sister duu: "Konda unanibana bwana..."
Konda: "Zinabanana ndizi haziongei, kama ulitaka kujiachia c ungekoni treni pekeyako!!!"
******************************
Sharobaro: "Kuna kiti?! Kama hamna sipandi..."
Konda: "Mpuuzi kweli, wa wapi wewe... Kama ulikuwa unaogopa kukosa kiti c ungebeba chako!!?"
******************************
Mapolisi wa usalama barabaran
Cicco alisimamishwa na mapolisi wa usalama barabarani Arusha akiwa na wenzake ndani ya 'Mercedes benz...'
Cicco: "Vp mkuu?! Kuna tatizo lolote mkuu??!"
Traffic: "Hapana, Ili nimepima uendeshaji wako mita 100 kabla hujafika, na nimeona ulikuwa unaendesha vizuri sana.. Hivyo mimi kama Afisa mkuu wa usalama barabarani nakuzawadia tuzo ya Dereva bora wa mwaka 2011..."
Cicco: ""Ebwana, daaah... Asante mkuu, ila ningefurahi zaidi kama ungenipa leseni badala ya hiyo tuzo yako..."
Traffic kabla hajauliza chochote kuhusu leseni.... Sherry aliyekuwa kwenye siti pembeni ya Cicco akaropoka...
"Afande usimsikilize huyo, hayo ndiyo matatizo yake ya kuropoka ropoka akiwa amelewa..."
Hassan aliyekuwa siti ya nyuma na washkaji wengine wawili akashtuka usingizini na kuropoka..
"...daaah ona sasa, mi nilisha waambie, tusinge fika mbali na gari la wizi, cheki sasa afande amesha tukamata..."
Kabla Hassan hajamaliza kuongea, Challe na Alloyce waliokuwa kwenye buti wakasikika wakigonga gonga buti huku wakipiga kelelee...
"Oyaaaaaa, mbona gari haliendi?! Hizi bunduki zinatuumiza huku na joto limezidi... Kama vipi njoeni mkae nyinyi si tuendeshe... Bado tu hatujavuka BORDER?!"
Cicco: "Vp mkuu?! Kuna tatizo lolote mkuu??!"
Traffic: "Hapana, Ili nimepima uendeshaji wako mita 100 kabla hujafika, na nimeona ulikuwa unaendesha vizuri sana.. Hivyo mimi kama Afisa mkuu wa usalama barabarani nakuzawadia tuzo ya Dereva bora wa mwaka 2011..."
Cicco: ""Ebwana, daaah... Asante mkuu, ila ningefurahi zaidi kama ungenipa leseni badala ya hiyo tuzo yako..."
Traffic kabla hajauliza chochote kuhusu leseni.... Sherry aliyekuwa kwenye siti pembeni ya Cicco akaropoka...
"Afande usimsikilize huyo, hayo ndiyo matatizo yake ya kuropoka ropoka akiwa amelewa..."
Hassan aliyekuwa siti ya nyuma na washkaji wengine wawili akashtuka usingizini na kuropoka..
"...daaah ona sasa, mi nilisha waambie, tusinge fika mbali na gari la wizi, cheki sasa afande amesha tukamata..."
Kabla Hassan hajamaliza kuongea, Challe na Alloyce waliokuwa kwenye buti wakasikika wakigonga gonga buti huku wakipiga kelelee...
"Oyaaaaaa, mbona gari haliendi?! Hizi bunduki zinatuumiza huku na joto limezidi... Kama vipi njoeni mkae nyinyi si tuendeshe... Bado tu hatujavuka BORDER?!"
BEST COMEDY
Chukua hii hapa ya miaka 50 ya uhuni na ufisadi
uongo mwingine bwana
jamaa akimtokea demu wa chuo
jamaa-mambo
demu-poa 2
jamaa-vp unasoma wapi na unasomea koz gani?
Demu- nipo hapo UD nasomea bachelar of arts and Education.
Demu-na wewe je?
Jamaa- (huku akijiamini) aaa mi niko hapo IFM niko mwaka wa tatu nachukulia Bachelar of diploma and certificate manegment na ninatarajia nikimaliza nichukue pia masters of leaving and academic certificate.
Demu-(akajisemea kimoyomoyo) taira huyu c hivi hivi!
uongo mwingine bwana
jamaa akimtokea demu wa chuo
jamaa-mambo
demu-poa 2
jamaa-vp unasoma wapi na unasomea koz gani?
Demu- nipo hapo UD nasomea bachelar of arts and Education.
Demu-na wewe je?
Jamaa- (huku akijiamini) aaa mi niko hapo IFM niko mwaka wa tatu nachukulia Bachelar of diploma and certificate manegment na ninatarajia nikimaliza nichukue pia masters of leaving and academic certificate.
Demu-(akajisemea kimoyomoyo) taira huyu c hivi hivi!
MLANGO WA KABATI
Mwanamke mmoja alikuwa na tatizo la mlango wa kabati chumbani kwake ambao kila mara gari kubwa likipita nje huwa mlango unafunguka...
Basi kutokana na tatizo hilo akaamua kumuita fundi aje kurekebisha...
Fundi ambaye kidogo alikuwa na kigugumizi akamwambia kabla, hajatengeneza inabidi acheki ili ajue kwanza tatizo... Kwa hiyo jamaa akaamua kuingia ndani ya kabati halafu akamwambia afunge ili aone kinacho fanya lijifungue kila gari likipita... Ila kabla hajaingia kabatini akaomba avue shati lake jeupe ili licchafuke..
Ile anafunga tu, mume wa yule mwanamke aliyekuwa kambini jeshini kwa muda mrefu sana akaingia...
Mke kwa mshangao na furaha ya kumuona mumewe ambaye alikuwa safarini cku nyingi akazimia...
Jamaa kumsogelea mkewe akasikia kabati linacheza cheza kwa ndani... Kufungua akamkuta yuke fundi...
Mume: "Shiiiiit?! Aroooo, unafanya nn ndani kwangu?!"
Fundi akajibu huku kijasho kikimtoka:-
"Sa, sa, sa sa samahaaaani mkuuu... Kiukwe kwe kwe kweeeli tu, tu, tu tu tu msubiiiiiri tu kwa kwa kwaaanza m, m, m, mmmkeeeo a a a ammmke kwa kwa kwa kwasabaaabu huta ni ni nieeleeewa... Ila ni ni ni niilikuuuwa na na na nasubiiiiiri ga ga ga gaaari kubwa li li li liipiiiiiite...!!!"
Basi kutokana na tatizo hilo akaamua kumuita fundi aje kurekebisha...
Fundi ambaye kidogo alikuwa na kigugumizi akamwambia kabla, hajatengeneza inabidi acheki ili ajue kwanza tatizo... Kwa hiyo jamaa akaamua kuingia ndani ya kabati halafu akamwambia afunge ili aone kinacho fanya lijifungue kila gari likipita... Ila kabla hajaingia kabatini akaomba avue shati lake jeupe ili licchafuke..
Ile anafunga tu, mume wa yule mwanamke aliyekuwa kambini jeshini kwa muda mrefu sana akaingia...
Mke kwa mshangao na furaha ya kumuona mumewe ambaye alikuwa safarini cku nyingi akazimia...
Jamaa kumsogelea mkewe akasikia kabati linacheza cheza kwa ndani... Kufungua akamkuta yuke fundi...
Mume: "Shiiiiit?! Aroooo, unafanya nn ndani kwangu?!"
Fundi akajibu huku kijasho kikimtoka:-
"Sa, sa, sa sa samahaaaani mkuuu... Kiukwe kwe kwe kweeeli tu, tu, tu tu tu msubiiiiiri tu kwa kwa kwaaanza m, m, m, mmmkeeeo a a a ammmke kwa kwa kwa kwasabaaabu huta ni ni nieeleeewa... Ila ni ni ni niilikuuuwa na na na nasubiiiiiri ga ga ga gaaari kubwa li li li liipiiiiiite...!!!"
little boy
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"Where's Mom and dad?!"
She replied, "They're up in bed..."
So the little boy started laugh, ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma,
"where's Mom and dad?"
She replied, "They're still up in bed..."
And the little boy laughs again and again, ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma,
"Where's Mom and dad?"
His grandmother replied, "This is the third time you are asking and I have told you, they have not come out their room the whole day!!!"
The little boy started to laugh again and his grandmother asked,
"Whats so funny? Every time I tell you they're still up in their room you start to laugh!?! What is going on here?!"
The little boy replied,
"Well last night daddy came into my bedroom in the middle of the night drank and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead..."
"Where's Mom and dad?!"
She replied, "They're up in bed..."
So the little boy started laugh, ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma,
"where's Mom and dad?"
She replied, "They're still up in bed..."
And the little boy laughs again and again, ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma,
"Where's Mom and dad?"
His grandmother replied, "This is the third time you are asking and I have told you, they have not come out their room the whole day!!!"
The little boy started to laugh again and his grandmother asked,
"Whats so funny? Every time I tell you they're still up in their room you start to laugh!?! What is going on here?!"
The little boy replied,
"Well last night daddy came into my bedroom in the middle of the night drank and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead..."
Sorry wrong number..
A man on the phone...
"Hello honey, this is daddy... Is mommy near the phone?"
A voice on the other end answers,
"No daddy... She is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." The little girl quipped."
After a brief pause daddy says,
"But honey you haven't got an uncle Paul!""
"Oh yes I do, and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now." Girl replayed...
Brief pause from daddy...
"Uuuu...uh okay then, this is what I want you to do.. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to mommy that daddy's car has just arrived at the gate..."
"Ok daddy just a minute…" Responds the girl...
A while later the little girl comes back to the phone,
"Done it daddy."
"What happened honey?" Daddy asks...
"Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked, ran round the room screaming, tripped over, and knocked her head on the staircase, now
she is not moving at all."
"What about Uncle Paul?" Asked Dad.
"He jumped out the window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know you emptied the water last week for treatment. He hit the bottom and I think he's dead."
Really long pause this time…
Daddy says, "Swimming pool??! But we don’t have a swimming pool?! Is this +255 22 2203020?"
"No, this is +255 22 2203002...." Daddy asks..
"Sorry wrong number..!!!"
"Hello honey, this is daddy... Is mommy near the phone?"
A voice on the other end answers,
"No daddy... She is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." The little girl quipped."
After a brief pause daddy says,
"But honey you haven't got an uncle Paul!""
"Oh yes I do, and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now." Girl replayed...
Brief pause from daddy...
"Uuuu...uh okay then, this is what I want you to do.. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to mommy that daddy's car has just arrived at the gate..."
"Ok daddy just a minute…" Responds the girl...
A while later the little girl comes back to the phone,
"Done it daddy."
"What happened honey?" Daddy asks...
"Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked, ran round the room screaming, tripped over, and knocked her head on the staircase, now
she is not moving at all."
"What about Uncle Paul?" Asked Dad.
"He jumped out the window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know you emptied the water last week for treatment. He hit the bottom and I think he's dead."
Really long pause this time…
Daddy says, "Swimming pool??! But we don’t have a swimming pool?! Is this +255 22 2203020?"
"No, this is +255 22 2203002...." Daddy asks..
"Sorry wrong number..!!!"
JOHNNY
Johnny got 97 out of 100 in the exam... So the teacher gave him a gift and said,
"U r so bright Johnny, I hope you will do the same in the next exam..."
Johnny: "Thank you very much Sir, I hope you will also print the question paper from my uncle’s printing shop next time.. Byee!!!"
"U r so bright Johnny, I hope you will do the same in the next exam..."
Johnny: "Thank you very much Sir, I hope you will also print the question paper from my uncle’s printing shop next time.. Byee!!!"
Jamaa na cheche
Jamaa aliporudi kutoka safarini kikazi akaamua kupitia hotelini badala ya kwenda home kwake moja kwa moja ili angalau apate kimwana wa kukesha naye kabla ya kwenda home kwa mkewe...
Akampigia cm kwa kuwadi wake ili amletee kimwana wa ukwel wa kupiga naye match... Kama kawa tanesco wakakata umeme wao wakati anakabidhiwa huyo demu wa ukweli na kuwadi wake....
Wakati jamaa anasex na yule demu umeme ukarudi... Jamaa kucheki fresh kumbe ni mkewe halafu hiyo ilikuwa katikati ndani ya mechi ya pili...
Akampigia cm kwa kuwadi wake ili amletee kimwana wa ukwel wa kupiga naye match... Kama kawa tanesco wakakata umeme wao wakati anakabidhiwa huyo demu wa ukweli na kuwadi wake....
Wakati jamaa anasex na yule demu umeme ukarudi... Jamaa kucheki fresh kumbe ni mkewe halafu hiyo ilikuwa katikati ndani ya mechi ya pili...
SYSTEM ERROR!!
A woman is having sex with her secrete lover in her husbands apartment which is in the 10th floor at the Sea cliff towel... Suddenly her husband returns from a long trip, and she hears him approaching and knocking at the door...
So she tells the lover: "Do not move at all... I will resolve this situation!!!"
Comes the husband: "Who da hell is this?!" Asked the husband...
Wife: "Ooh, calm down sweetie... This is just a HUMAN SEXING MACHINE ROBOT.. I bought it to have sex with when you are not around, so that I don't have to cheat with your friends or with the neighbours. I did it because you spend all the time travelling sweetheart!!"
Husband: "Owky honey...!!! I have understood you perfectly and I believe you. Ok, let's have a quick sex now baby, I came home as fast as I can and I'm extremely horny my love!!"
Wife: "Oooh darling... Me too baby... The problem is yesterday I got my period. We will do it as soon as i finish honey... You better take a bath, I'll prepare something to eat.."
The lover is left with the husband in the room alone, while the wife walked out...
Husband: "Damn, I'm so horny... I am going to sex with this robot instead.."
The husband took off his clothes and he tries sexing with the robot from his behind...
With a meta robotic voice the lover proclaims...
"WARNING... SYSTEM ERROR!! SYSTEM ERROR!!
WRONG HOLE PLEASE!! SYSTEM ERROR!! WRONG HOLE!!"
The husband shouts:
"What a crapping robot. I'm going to throw it out of the damn window, its useless!!"
The lover realizes that he is in the 10th floor high in the apartment hence exclaims:-
"SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!!
YOU MAY TRY AGAIN... I REPEAT.... SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! TRY AGAIN PLEASE!!!"
So she tells the lover: "Do not move at all... I will resolve this situation!!!"
Comes the husband: "Who da hell is this?!" Asked the husband...
Wife: "Ooh, calm down sweetie... This is just a HUMAN SEXING MACHINE ROBOT.. I bought it to have sex with when you are not around, so that I don't have to cheat with your friends or with the neighbours. I did it because you spend all the time travelling sweetheart!!"
Husband: "Owky honey...!!! I have understood you perfectly and I believe you. Ok, let's have a quick sex now baby, I came home as fast as I can and I'm extremely horny my love!!"
Wife: "Oooh darling... Me too baby... The problem is yesterday I got my period. We will do it as soon as i finish honey... You better take a bath, I'll prepare something to eat.."
The lover is left with the husband in the room alone, while the wife walked out...
Husband: "Damn, I'm so horny... I am going to sex with this robot instead.."
The husband took off his clothes and he tries sexing with the robot from his behind...
With a meta robotic voice the lover proclaims...
"WARNING... SYSTEM ERROR!! SYSTEM ERROR!!
WRONG HOLE PLEASE!! SYSTEM ERROR!! WRONG HOLE!!"
The husband shouts:
"What a crapping robot. I'm going to throw it out of the damn window, its useless!!"
The lover realizes that he is in the 10th floor high in the apartment hence exclaims:-
"SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!!
YOU MAY TRY AGAIN... I REPEAT.... SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! TRY AGAIN PLEASE!!!"
POLICE
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel.
As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look". Whispering under her breath, the wife says...
"No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies,
"You're right, lets go to the beach..."
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love...
All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them...
"Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!!!"
Embarrassed, the husband admits...
"You are right sir, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me..."
The cop thought for a second and said...
"Don't worry... You are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I catch this bitch making love with different guys on this beach within this week and she will have to pay the fine!!!"
As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look". Whispering under her breath, the wife says...
"No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies,
"You're right, lets go to the beach..."
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love...
All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them...
"Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!!!"
Embarrassed, the husband admits...
"You are right sir, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me..."
The cop thought for a second and said...
"Don't worry... You are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I catch this bitch making love with different guys on this beach within this week and she will have to pay the fine!!!"
MASKINI JEURI
"Nimechoka!!!! Yani mimi ndo kila cku nakosa rizki kwa Mungu?!" Alilalamika baba mmoja huku amejiinamia chini ya mti wa mbuyu akiwaza..
Akaendelea kusema...
"Kama hutaki niishi duniani, niangushie huu mbuyu nife tu, sioni raha ya maisha.."
Ghafla pande moja la mti likaanguka kumuelekea pande alipo...
Duuh, jamaa akaondoka mbio huku akilalamika..
"Nakuomba rizki kila cku hunipi, leo nakutania kufa ata dakika haijaisha.. Khaaa!! Hutaniwi?!"
Akaendelea kusema...
"Kama hutaki niishi duniani, niangushie huu mbuyu nife tu, sioni raha ya maisha.."
Ghafla pande moja la mti likaanguka kumuelekea pande alipo...
Duuh, jamaa akaondoka mbio huku akilalamika..
"Nakuomba rizki kila cku hunipi, leo nakutania kufa ata dakika haijaisha.. Khaaa!! Hutaniwi?!"
NYIKANI
Kama kawa kama dawa... Huko nyikani nyoka alikinyagwa na panya huko mwituni, kwa hasira nyoka akamuuliza panya...
Nyoka: "Oya dogo mbona tunakanyagana?! Au unataka nikutafune usiuone mwaka mpya?!
Panya: "Sorry braza bahati mbaya..."
Nyoka: "Bahati mbaya nini?! Ona kwanza, kijitu chenyewe kidogoo, midevu kila kona..."
Panya: "Braza samahani, ujue nakuheshimu sana... We mbona mtu mzima bado unatambaa?!"
Nyoka: "Oya dogo mbona tunakanyagana?! Au unataka nikutafune usiuone mwaka mpya?!
Panya: "Sorry braza bahati mbaya..."
Nyoka: "Bahati mbaya nini?! Ona kwanza, kijitu chenyewe kidogoo, midevu kila kona..."
Panya: "Braza samahani, ujue nakuheshimu sana... We mbona mtu mzima bado unatambaa?!"
ATTENTION ATTENTION PLEASE!!!!
Good EVENING Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain J. B. NCHIMBI Jr. On behalf of Air Tanzania Ltd, I’m welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Air Tanzania Boeing 767...
We apologize for the six-hour delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some bad traffics from Tegeta my home place to the Airport.... Dala Dala’s are all full in the morning hours and traffic is not moving at all!!!
This is flight 712 From Dar es Salaam to Mwanza. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the Lake Zone if not in the Lake itself!!! And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your villages!!!
Air Tanzania has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even pick-pockets, snatchers, bandits and all other types of thieves are afraid to fly with us!!!!
It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year,over 20% of our passengers have reached their destination...
If our engines are too noisy for you when on air, on passenger's request, we can arrange to turn them off!!!
To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary KONYAGI and Our favorite local brew MNAZI, you can also get GONGO if you promise not to drink more than half a bucket...
For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!!!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the TBC1 due to UEFA Champions League live broadcasting. However, we have bought 10 copies of KIU Magazines and 12 copies of IJUMAA Magazines on which you will be SHARING to supplement the movie...
There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke U see in the cabin, you may start PRAYING to your GODS as it might be the early warning system on the engines telling us the plane is GOING to CRASH or else if its your lucky dat it might be our AIR-HOSTESS making some UGALI for ME as she normally use FIREWOODS...
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmarks!!!
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a AIR-HOSTESS who will explain how to fasten yourself on the overhead lockers.
"Thanking you all for choosing Air-Tanzania to fly for the first and probably might be your last time."
Thanks & Best Regard,
Captain Nchimbi Jr.
Any Time Change (ATC)!!!!
N.B: For those who might not reach SAFE, you may PEACEFULLY REST IN PEACE!!!
We apologize for the six-hour delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some bad traffics from Tegeta my home place to the Airport.... Dala Dala’s are all full in the morning hours and traffic is not moving at all!!!
This is flight 712 From Dar es Salaam to Mwanza. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the Lake Zone if not in the Lake itself!!! And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your villages!!!
Air Tanzania has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even pick-pockets, snatchers, bandits and all other types of thieves are afraid to fly with us!!!!
It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year,over 20% of our passengers have reached their destination...
If our engines are too noisy for you when on air, on passenger's request, we can arrange to turn them off!!!
To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary KONYAGI and Our favorite local brew MNAZI, you can also get GONGO if you promise not to drink more than half a bucket...
For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!!!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the TBC1 due to UEFA Champions League live broadcasting. However, we have bought 10 copies of KIU Magazines and 12 copies of IJUMAA Magazines on which you will be SHARING to supplement the movie...
There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke U see in the cabin, you may start PRAYING to your GODS as it might be the early warning system on the engines telling us the plane is GOING to CRASH or else if its your lucky dat it might be our AIR-HOSTESS making some UGALI for ME as she normally use FIREWOODS...
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmarks!!!
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a AIR-HOSTESS who will explain how to fasten yourself on the overhead lockers.
"Thanking you all for choosing Air-Tanzania to fly for the first and probably might be your last time."
Thanks & Best Regard,
Captain Nchimbi Jr.
Any Time Change (ATC)!!!!
N.B: For those who might not reach SAFE, you may PEACEFULLY REST IN PEACE!!!
Memorable Speech of Nduli Idi Amin Dada
(After a lunch hosted by the Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain in London in his honor, the former Ugandan leader Idi Amin Dada had this to say for his vote of thanks...)
.
.
.
.
"My majestic Mrs. Queen , horrible ministers and members of parliament, invented Guests, ladies under gentlemen...
I herebye thank you completely Mrs. Queen, and also what the lady has done with me and my fellow Ugandan who come with me.
One thing I must tell you, Mrs. Queen- You cook very well. I like you are food. We have really eaten very much. And we are fed up completely. But there was not enuf pombe served with the food. So, next time I come as your guest, please have many many bottles of KIBUKU...
Also please thanks to you keenly open up from all windows: so that those plenty climates can come into lunch.
But before I go back to my country with a plane from the Entebbe airport of London, I wish to invitation you Mrs. Queen, to become home to Uganda so that we can also revenge on you and serve you very many ugali and cow meet.
You can eat a full cow in Uganda and also feel up your stomach and walk with difficult because of full stomach completely. Even when you want to rest at night; I will make sure that you sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansion completely so that you can enjoy all the gravity of fresh air.
"But now am sorry because I have to tell you that I have made a short call on you only. But next time I shall make a long call on you to last the whole moon completely. Thank you very much to allow me to undress you completely before these extinguished ladies under gentlemen sir.
Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthem of the republic of Uganda and also the British international anthem.. Your majestic, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the bottoms of all the people of Uganda.
Before I finis my speech I have a few words of good manly advice for your husband. Mr. Prince Fillip, I know you are Dupe of Adding burg but, still, why do you take orders from your wife? She is a female and his job is to cook for everyone and feed the babies. You should be the Majestic King like me.
With this few words I thank,
Mrs. Queen, and your obedient husband.
.
.
.
.
"My majestic Mrs. Queen , horrible ministers and members of parliament, invented Guests, ladies under gentlemen...
I herebye thank you completely Mrs. Queen, and also what the lady has done with me and my fellow Ugandan who come with me.
One thing I must tell you, Mrs. Queen- You cook very well. I like you are food. We have really eaten very much. And we are fed up completely. But there was not enuf pombe served with the food. So, next time I come as your guest, please have many many bottles of KIBUKU...
Also please thanks to you keenly open up from all windows: so that those plenty climates can come into lunch.
But before I go back to my country with a plane from the Entebbe airport of London, I wish to invitation you Mrs. Queen, to become home to Uganda so that we can also revenge on you and serve you very many ugali and cow meet.
You can eat a full cow in Uganda and also feel up your stomach and walk with difficult because of full stomach completely. Even when you want to rest at night; I will make sure that you sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansion completely so that you can enjoy all the gravity of fresh air.
"But now am sorry because I have to tell you that I have made a short call on you only. But next time I shall make a long call on you to last the whole moon completely. Thank you very much to allow me to undress you completely before these extinguished ladies under gentlemen sir.
Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthem of the republic of Uganda and also the British international anthem.. Your majestic, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the bottoms of all the people of Uganda.
Before I finis my speech I have a few words of good manly advice for your husband. Mr. Prince Fillip, I know you are Dupe of Adding burg but, still, why do you take orders from your wife? She is a female and his job is to cook for everyone and feed the babies. You should be the Majestic King like me.
With this few words I thank,
Mrs. Queen, and your obedient husband.
CHINESE GUY
Nelson Mandela is at home watching boxing, when there is a knock at his door. He gets up and answers it, there is a Chinese boy with signing sheet, and behind him is a lorry full of exhaust pipes to be derived...
"You sign, you sign," Yells the Chinese.
Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese boy that he has got the wrong house...
Next day Nelson is watching a film when there is a knock at his door. It's the same Chinese boy and behind him is truck full of brake parts...
"You Sign, You Sign," Screams the Chinese boy and pushes the clipboard under Nelson's nose...
"Look you twit..." Snarls Nelson...
"You've got the wrong house. I don't want brake parts, you've got the wrong house again."
Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading a magazine, when there is a knock on the door. It's the Chinese boy again, behind him are two trucks filled with car engine parts....
The Chinese boy screams at Nelson, "You sign, you sign..."
Well that's it Nelson loses his wig and picks the Chinese boy up by his shirt and yells, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?"
The Chinese boy looks at his clipboard signing sheet and says,
"Are you not Nissan Maindealer?"
"You sign, you sign," Yells the Chinese.
Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese boy that he has got the wrong house...
Next day Nelson is watching a film when there is a knock at his door. It's the same Chinese boy and behind him is truck full of brake parts...
"You Sign, You Sign," Screams the Chinese boy and pushes the clipboard under Nelson's nose...
"Look you twit..." Snarls Nelson...
"You've got the wrong house. I don't want brake parts, you've got the wrong house again."
Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading a magazine, when there is a knock on the door. It's the Chinese boy again, behind him are two trucks filled with car engine parts....
The Chinese boy screams at Nelson, "You sign, you sign..."
Well that's it Nelson loses his wig and picks the Chinese boy up by his shirt and yells, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?"
The Chinese boy looks at his clipboard signing sheet and says,
"Are you not Nissan Maindealer?"
In an alcohol factory...
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and
the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"
the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"
MILEMBE
Daaah... kuna siku Air Tz ilikodiwa na Hosp. ya Milembe iwapeleke vchaa Arusha kwa ajili ya kwenda kuvinjari ARUSHA NATIONAL PARK..
Sasa wakiwa angani wale vchaa wakawa wanasumbua sana kwenye ndege had kwa mapailot huko..
Air hoster kaogopa akaenda kujifungia kwa maruban; Docta msindikizaji akasinzia...
Bac mmoja wao wa wale vichaa aliyekua anajitambua kwa mbaaali akanyanyuka akamwambia...
''Yani nyie ni mataahira sana, toka muingie humu mna fujo sana... Bt anyways najua tatizo lenu na dawa yake...''
Bac jamaa akafungua mlango wa ndege akawaambia... ''Najua mmnafujo kwa sababu wamewakalisha muda wote humu... Haya nendeni mkacheze nje...''
Basi wakatoka wote mara docta akaznduka na air hoster akatoka wakamkuta kabaki jamaa peke yake...
Wakamuuliza kwa jazba... wenzio wamejificha wapi??
Jamaa akajibu kwa kujiamini kabisa...
''Aaaaaah, nimewaambia wakacheze huku nje ndo nawasubiri bado hawajarudi!!''
Sasa wakiwa angani wale vchaa wakawa wanasumbua sana kwenye ndege had kwa mapailot huko..
Air hoster kaogopa akaenda kujifungia kwa maruban; Docta msindikizaji akasinzia...
Bac mmoja wao wa wale vichaa aliyekua anajitambua kwa mbaaali akanyanyuka akamwambia...
''Yani nyie ni mataahira sana, toka muingie humu mna fujo sana... Bt anyways najua tatizo lenu na dawa yake...''
Bac jamaa akafungua mlango wa ndege akawaambia... ''Najua mmnafujo kwa sababu wamewakalisha muda wote humu... Haya nendeni mkacheze nje...''
Basi wakatoka wote mara docta akaznduka na air hoster akatoka wakamkuta kabaki jamaa peke yake...
Wakamuuliza kwa jazba... wenzio wamejificha wapi??
Jamaa akajibu kwa kujiamini kabisa...
''Aaaaaah, nimewaambia wakacheze huku nje ndo nawasubiri bado hawajarudi!!''
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Mr. and Mrs. Smith had tried for years to have a child, with no luck...
They decided to hire a 'Proxy' ie. a special person to have sex with his wife so as to have a child...
On the day the proxy was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The Proxy should be here soon... I love you my wife..."
A few minutes later, a door-to-door baby photographer chanced to ring the doorbell, hoping to find kids in Mr. Smiths house to take pictures..
Photographer: “Good morning, madam..." (He began his promos...)
“You don’t know me, but I’m here to… “
Mrs. Smith: "Oh, there is no need to explain.." (Mrs. Smith cut in...) “Come right in..."
Photographer: “Really?!? Well, good!! I’ve made a specialty of babies..."
Mrs. Smith: “That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please sit down. Now, where do we start?!" (Asked Mrs. Smith, blushing...)
Photographer: “Leave everything to me... I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out..."
Mrs. Smith: “Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn’t worked for Harry and me...“
Photographer: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results..."
Mrs. Smith: “I hope we can get this over with quickly.."
Photographer: “Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure..."
Mrs. Smith: “Ain’t it the truth! (Mrs. Smith exclaimed)
The photographer opened his briefcase and spread out his portfolio of baby pictures.
Photographer: “This was done on the courthouse steps downtown..."
Mrs. Smith: “Oh, my God! (Mrs. Smith exclaimed)
Photographer: “And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.
(The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.)
Mrs. Smith: “She was difficult? Photographer: “Yes, she was afraid.. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.?“
Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?" (Asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement...)
Photographer: “Yes, and for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could barely concentrate. As darkness approached, I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in..."
(Mrs. Smith leaned forward..)
Mrs. Smith: “You mean they actually chewed on your, eh, equipment?!“
Photographer: "That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work. "
Now Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried...
Mrs. Smith: "Your Tripod?!"
Photographer: “Oh, yes. I have to use a tripod to hold up my Canon. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action..."
"Madam?! Madam?! Oooh, dear Lord, she has fainted!!"
They decided to hire a 'Proxy' ie. a special person to have sex with his wife so as to have a child...
On the day the proxy was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The Proxy should be here soon... I love you my wife..."
A few minutes later, a door-to-door baby photographer chanced to ring the doorbell, hoping to find kids in Mr. Smiths house to take pictures..
Photographer: “Good morning, madam..." (He began his promos...)
“You don’t know me, but I’m here to… “
Mrs. Smith: "Oh, there is no need to explain.." (Mrs. Smith cut in...) “Come right in..."
Photographer: “Really?!? Well, good!! I’ve made a specialty of babies..."
Mrs. Smith: “That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please sit down. Now, where do we start?!" (Asked Mrs. Smith, blushing...)
Photographer: “Leave everything to me... I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out..."
Mrs. Smith: “Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn’t worked for Harry and me...“
Photographer: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results..."
Mrs. Smith: “I hope we can get this over with quickly.."
Photographer: “Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure..."
Mrs. Smith: “Ain’t it the truth! (Mrs. Smith exclaimed)
The photographer opened his briefcase and spread out his portfolio of baby pictures.
Photographer: “This was done on the courthouse steps downtown..."
Mrs. Smith: “Oh, my God! (Mrs. Smith exclaimed)
Photographer: “And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.
(The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.)
Mrs. Smith: “She was difficult? Photographer: “Yes, she was afraid.. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.?“
Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?" (Asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement...)
Photographer: “Yes, and for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could barely concentrate. As darkness approached, I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in..."
(Mrs. Smith leaned forward..)
Mrs. Smith: “You mean they actually chewed on your, eh, equipment?!“
Photographer: "That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work. "
Now Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried...
Mrs. Smith: "Your Tripod?!"
Photographer: “Oh, yes. I have to use a tripod to hold up my Canon. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action..."
"Madam?! Madam?! Oooh, dear Lord, she has fainted!!"
DONT MESS WITH A CHILD
DONT MESS WITH A CHILD PART ONE
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
she's dead."
DONT MESS WITH A CHILD PART TWO
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a
>>note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
DONT MESS WITH A CHILD PART THREE
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
she's dead."
DONT MESS WITH A CHILD PART TWO
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a
>>note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
DONT MESS WITH A CHILD PART THREE
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
WANANDOA
Wanandoa wameoana siku ya pili tu wamepelekana kwa padri...padri akawauliza nini tena?
MKE AKASEMA :nilifikiri iko hivi
==========>
ama hivi
======>
kumbe hivi
==> bora talaka...
MUME NAE AKASEMA :nilifikiri hivi
( )
ama hivi
( )
kumbe hivi
( )
Na aende tu. LOL
MKE AKASEMA :nilifikiri iko hivi
==========>
ama hivi
======>
kumbe hivi
==> bora talaka...
MUME NAE AKASEMA :nilifikiri hivi
( )
ama hivi
( )
kumbe hivi
( )
Na aende tu. LOL
Stomach ache
Little kid, a six year old , complained..
"Mother, I've got a stomach ache..."
"That's because your stomach is empty", the mother replied.
"You would feel better if you had something in it..."
That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day...
Da kid perked up out of no wea n replyd to his dad...
"Ooooh, so sorry dad... That's because your Head is empty,
you would feel better if you had something in it...."
"Mother, I've got a stomach ache..."
"That's because your stomach is empty", the mother replied.
"You would feel better if you had something in it..."
That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day...
Da kid perked up out of no wea n replyd to his dad...
"Ooooh, so sorry dad... That's because your Head is empty,
you would feel better if you had something in it...."
ANASIASA
UWONGO ULIVYOWAPONZA WANASIASA
Wanasiasa 40 walipata ajali mbaya porini, mkullima mmoja alipoona hivyo alichimba shimo na kuwazika wote kwa pamoja. Baadaye polisi walikuja na kumhoji kuhusiana na ajali pamoja na maiti na mahojiano yalikuwa hivi:-
Polisi :-Uliona ajali jinsi ilivyotokea?
Mkulima ;-Hapana, nilikuta imeshatokea na maiti zimezagaa.. Polisi :-Zipo wapi maiti?
Mkulima :-Nimezizika
Polisi :-Una uhakika wote walikua wamekufa?
Mkulima :-Kuna wengine walikuwa wanalalamika kwamba hawajafa lakini si unajua wanasiasa walivyo waongo, mi nikajua tu wanadanganya nikawazika wote..
Wanasiasa 40 walipata ajali mbaya porini, mkullima mmoja alipoona hivyo alichimba shimo na kuwazika wote kwa pamoja. Baadaye polisi walikuja na kumhoji kuhusiana na ajali pamoja na maiti na mahojiano yalikuwa hivi:-
Polisi :-Uliona ajali jinsi ilivyotokea?
Mkulima ;-Hapana, nilikuta imeshatokea na maiti zimezagaa.. Polisi :-Zipo wapi maiti?
Mkulima :-Nimezizika
Polisi :-Una uhakika wote walikua wamekufa?
Mkulima :-Kuna wengine walikuwa wanalalamika kwamba hawajafa lakini si unajua wanasiasa walivyo waongo, mi nikajua tu wanadanganya nikawazika wote..
OTIENO
Kamau to a gal."I myt nt b rich,dnt av a
benz,dnt av a visa or travel ol tha tym abroad
lyk my friend Otieno,bt i love and adore u". . .
Girl,luks at hm wit tears in ha eyes n hugs hm
pasionately n whispers "if u love me introduce
me to Otieno!!!!!" . . . . . . mwaaaah
benz,dnt av a visa or travel ol tha tym abroad
lyk my friend Otieno,bt i love and adore u". . .
Girl,luks at hm wit tears in ha eyes n hugs hm
pasionately n whispers "if u love me introduce
me to Otieno!!!!!" . . . . . . mwaaaah
KUKU
Mzee mmoja alimwona mwanae akichezea matope;
MZEE: "We kuku unafanya nn hapo?!"
MTOTO: "Mie sio kuku baba, mie kifaranga tu... Kuku ni ww na mama, na hv kesho Xmass labda mshnde ndani ndo mtapona la cvvyo mtachnjwa..."
MZEE: "We mtoto mwanaharam kwel yani mie na mama yako kuku?!"
MTOTO: "Sasa mzee kama mie umeniita kuku nyie mtakuwa nan?!"
MZEE: "We kuku unafanya nn hapo?!"
MTOTO: "Mie sio kuku baba, mie kifaranga tu... Kuku ni ww na mama, na hv kesho Xmass labda mshnde ndani ndo mtapona la cvvyo mtachnjwa..."
MZEE: "We mtoto mwanaharam kwel yani mie na mama yako kuku?!"
MTOTO: "Sasa mzee kama mie umeniita kuku nyie mtakuwa nan?!"
A Letter from Masawe to Bill Gate...
A Letter from Masawe to Bill Gate...
Dear Mr. Sir BillGates,
This letter is from Masawe of Kibosho Moshi.
We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ******appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field.
We checked with hardware technician Kimaro and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the
password is...
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the "Shut Down" button.
3. There is a button "Start" but there is no "Stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. There is "Find" button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this 'Find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug or virus??
5. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my "Mouse" from CAT, So I suggest you to provide a DOG too to kill that cat.
6. My child learnt "Microsoft Word" now he wants to learn "Microsoft Sentence", so when U will provide that?
7. Lastly, these COMPUTERS of yours don't know ENGLISH at all!!!! When i turn off the machine, instead of saying WINDOWS ARE SHUTTING down, they say WINDOWS IS SHUTTING DOWN... Which English grammar is that???!
All in all,
Best regards,
Masawe.
Dear Mr. Sir BillGates,
This letter is from Masawe of Kibosho Moshi.
We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ******appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field.
We checked with hardware technician Kimaro and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the
password is...
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the "Shut Down" button.
3. There is a button "Start" but there is no "Stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. There is "Find" button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this 'Find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug or virus??
5. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my "Mouse" from CAT, So I suggest you to provide a DOG too to kill that cat.
6. My child learnt "Microsoft Word" now he wants to learn "Microsoft Sentence", so when U will provide that?
7. Lastly, these COMPUTERS of yours don't know ENGLISH at all!!!! When i turn off the machine, instead of saying WINDOWS ARE SHUTTING down, they say WINDOWS IS SHUTTING DOWN... Which English grammar is that???!
All in all,
Best regards,
Masawe.
MTORO
siku moja mwalimu alikua anafundisha wanafunzi wa darasa la tano ktk shule 1 iliopo tanga,bahati mbaya wakati anaandika notsi chaki zikawa zimeisha,ikabidi azifuate ofisini,wakati anataka kutoka tu darasani akasikia sauti ikisema"ukitoka tu..ntakufyonza"..mwlm akajiuliza mara 2 2,akataka kupiga hatua nyingine ndipo aliposikia"hivi haunisikii au"..mwlm akawauliza wanafunzi io sauti ilikua inatoka wap,wanafunzi wakajibu kua hawajui,ndipo mwlm alipoaamua kumteua mwanafunzi m1 aendee hizo chaki,yule mwanafunzi alipofika mlangoni tu nae akasikia"we ndo unajifanya kababe ee!toka uone ntakacho kufanya..nakufyonza live huku unaona"mwnfunz hakwenda,darasa zima likawa kimya likisubiri kitu gan kitaendelea..ndipo ghafla wakasikia.."bora sasa iv mmetulia,mngetoka ningewafyonza"mwlm kuona ivo ikabidi apige simu polisi.polisi walifika.m1 akateulia kwenda kukagua,nae akasikia"sogea uone nnavyokufyonza"akakaza moyo kusogea kwenye maua,dogo m1 mtoro alikua akiyasemesha makamasi yake yaliyokua yakimtoka puani..enjoy ppo!
MWANAMKE CHECHE
Mwanamke moja mwny tabia ya usalit km kawaida yao.cku moja bwana ake aliaga ana safar,ile kuondoa gar mwanamke akawapgia cm wanaume wawil.baaac baana ya mda bwana ake akawa amerud ghafla kuckia horn ya gar mwanamke kawafcha wale wanaume.mmoja darin na mwngne kabatin.
MAZUNGUMZO YAKAWA HV.
MKE,' mböna tena umerud?
MME: we acha tu,walimwengu wabaya sn.
MKE:mbn ckuelew una maana gan?
MME: tuyaache tu mke wangu.anajua alye juu.
MKE: bac c unambie mi mkeo.:
MME: mesema tumwachie yy alye juu cz yy ndo anajua.
MME: mme wng mi ckuelew ujue.alye juu nan
MME: alye juu humjui kwan? Au unataka mpk ashuke?
Jamaa kule darin kuckia mazungumzo hayo.ikabd aropoke ....'aaa bana utakua unanionea,mbn cko pk angu mwngne yupo kabatin'
dah! Jamaa wamejchongea akat yule mme alpokua anasema anajua alye juu almanisha MUNGU na hakujua km kuna wa2 wamejfcha
MAZUNGUMZO YAKAWA HV.
MKE,' mböna tena umerud?
MME: we acha tu,walimwengu wabaya sn.
MKE:mbn ckuelew una maana gan?
MME: tuyaache tu mke wangu.anajua alye juu.
MKE: bac c unambie mi mkeo.:
MME: mesema tumwachie yy alye juu cz yy ndo anajua.
MME: mme wng mi ckuelew ujue.alye juu nan
MME: alye juu humjui kwan? Au unataka mpk ashuke?
Jamaa kule darin kuckia mazungumzo hayo.ikabd aropoke ....'aaa bana utakua unanionea,mbn cko pk angu mwngne yupo kabatin'
dah! Jamaa wamejchongea akat yule mme alpokua anasema anajua alye juu almanisha MUNGU na hakujua km kuna wa2 wamejfcha
CHIZI
Dokta Milembe kaingia ward moja kakuta machizi wawili. Mmoja alikuwa anaact anakata kibao kwa vipande viwili na mwingine akining'inia juu ya dali miguu juu kichwa chini...
Dokta: unafanya nini?
Chizi: nakata kibao wee huoni?
Dokta: ooh namwenzako vipi mbona ananing'inia?
Chizi: aah mwache huoni huyo chizi anadhani yee taa..
Bac yule chizi aliekuwa juu akamind sana
Dokta: bac mtoe mwenzako?
Chizi: wee kweli chizi unadhani nkimtoa mwanga usiku ntapata wapi?
Dokta: unafanya nini?
Chizi: nakata kibao wee huoni?
Dokta: ooh namwenzako vipi mbona ananing'inia?
Chizi: aah mwache huoni huyo chizi anadhani yee taa..
Bac yule chizi aliekuwa juu akamind sana
Dokta: bac mtoe mwenzako?
Chizi: wee kweli chizi unadhani nkimtoa mwanga usiku ntapata wapi?
MWIZI
kuna mwizi mmoja aliiba mtaa flan iv wakaanza kumkimbiza mwizi akimbilia makabulini akafika akaaa juu ya kabuli akavua nguo zote wale raia walipofika pale wakamiliza umeshamuona mwizi anapita hapa jamaa akawjibu yani ndo nimeamka sasa iv kwasaabu ndanikunajoto ilembaya mmmmh raia walivo sikia ivo kilia mtu nanjia yake
HOOOKER
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped...
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing...
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing...
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
An Angry WIFE....
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ... ?"Husband:
Darling You Remember That
Jewelery Shop Where You Saw
The Diamond Necklace n Totally
Fell In Love With It n I Didn't
Have Money That Time n I said
"Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... " [O:)]
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing:
Yeah I Remember That My Love !
Husband:
I m In The Pub Just Next To That Shop
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Vituko chumbani...
Vituko chumbani...
Mama: "Yako kubwa mme wangu...."
Baba: "Hapana, yako ndo kubwa halafu pana we huoni?!"
Mama: "We huoni kama yako ni ndefu halafu nyeusi?! Halafu ukichomekaga hutakagi kutoa...
Baba: "We mwenywe ndo unayenifanya nictoe harak coz hutakagi kuchmoa npaka ni ndo nchomoe nikichomeka?!?
(majiran hao dirishni)
Mama: "Poa 2malize ugomvi... Yanani inafaida na nzuri kuliko yamwenzie?!
Baba: "Zote ziko sawa, sema hiyo yako ni nokia, yangu nimotorola ila ucwe unachomeka kwa muda mrefu kwnye swich, uaweza iunguza na bill ya umeme imepanda mkewangu..."
(Haya majiran wote kwenu!!!)
Mama: "Yako kubwa mme wangu...."
Baba: "Hapana, yako ndo kubwa halafu pana we huoni?!"
Mama: "We huoni kama yako ni ndefu halafu nyeusi?! Halafu ukichomekaga hutakagi kutoa...
Baba: "We mwenywe ndo unayenifanya nictoe harak coz hutakagi kuchmoa npaka ni ndo nchomoe nikichomeka?!?
(majiran hao dirishni)
Mama: "Poa 2malize ugomvi... Yanani inafaida na nzuri kuliko yamwenzie?!
Baba: "Zote ziko sawa, sema hiyo yako ni nokia, yangu nimotorola ila ucwe unachomeka kwa muda mrefu kwnye swich, uaweza iunguza na bill ya umeme imepanda mkewangu..."
(Haya majiran wote kwenu!!!)
Sharobaro..
Sharobaro anaandika barua taratiiiiiibu...
Mwenzake aliyekuwa akimsubiria post office akiwa na haraka akamuuliza...
"Oya mbona unaandika taratibu sana iyo barua?!?"
Sharobaro akajibu...
''Ebwana daaah!!! Demu mwenyewe ninaemuandikia wa form 2 nini, kwa hiyo, hawezi kusoma kiingereza kwa haraka nini... Si unajua!!!''
Mwenzake aliyekuwa akimsubiria post office akiwa na haraka akamuuliza...
"Oya mbona unaandika taratibu sana iyo barua?!?"
Sharobaro akajibu...
''Ebwana daaah!!! Demu mwenyewe ninaemuandikia wa form 2 nini, kwa hiyo, hawezi kusoma kiingereza kwa haraka nini... Si unajua!!!''
MLEVI BAR
Mlevi kaingia bar na kumwambia meneja....
"Ebwana daaaah... Unajua mi ninashabaha ile mbaya... Naweza kujaza mkojo kwenye ileeee chupa ya juu kabisa counter bila hata kudondosha hata tonye..."
Meneja akabisha na kupinga kabisaaaa, mshikaji akamwambia....
"Basi tufanye hivi... Nakupe laki moja nikidondosha hata tonye pembeni, na nikishindwa we nipe bia 3 tu..."
Meneja akaona isiwe tabu, kucheki huku na kule akaona baa watu wako busy busy akakubali...
Bila taabu, jamaa akasogea kaunta.... Akaanza kukojoa lakini hakufikisha hata punje kwenye chupa....
Meneja akadai chake, mshikaji akatoka njee na kurudi na kama milioni moja mkononi huku akitabasamu... Akampatio meneja pesa yake...
Kwa mshangao meneja akauliza...
"Hiyo mihela umeokota wapi na mbona unatoa kirahisi hivyo huku ukitabasamu???!!"
Jamaa akamwambia....
"Nimeweka dau la laki moja moja na watu kama kumi na wale jamaa paleee nje wanaochungulia dirishani kuwa naweza kuja kukojoa kaunta na ucnifanye chochote!!!"
"Ebwana daaaah... Unajua mi ninashabaha ile mbaya... Naweza kujaza mkojo kwenye ileeee chupa ya juu kabisa counter bila hata kudondosha hata tonye..."
Meneja akabisha na kupinga kabisaaaa, mshikaji akamwambia....
"Basi tufanye hivi... Nakupe laki moja nikidondosha hata tonye pembeni, na nikishindwa we nipe bia 3 tu..."
Meneja akaona isiwe tabu, kucheki huku na kule akaona baa watu wako busy busy akakubali...
Bila taabu, jamaa akasogea kaunta.... Akaanza kukojoa lakini hakufikisha hata punje kwenye chupa....
Meneja akadai chake, mshikaji akatoka njee na kurudi na kama milioni moja mkononi huku akitabasamu... Akampatio meneja pesa yake...
Kwa mshangao meneja akauliza...
"Hiyo mihela umeokota wapi na mbona unatoa kirahisi hivyo huku ukitabasamu???!!"
Jamaa akamwambia....
"Nimeweka dau la laki moja moja na watu kama kumi na wale jamaa paleee nje wanaochungulia dirishani kuwa naweza kuja kukojoa kaunta na ucnifanye chochote!!!"
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Telephone bill
Dad comes home and says to da family...
"Guys u better watch out the way u are using the telephone, because the bills are high! I'm not to blame because I use the telephone at work!!!"
Wife: "I also use the telephone at work so i'm also not responsible for high bills..."
Son: "I'm also not responsible for any high bills, because I use the telephone at school.."
Maid: "I don't see why the bills are high!!! We are all using our work place telephones..."
"Guys u better watch out the way u are using the telephone, because the bills are high! I'm not to blame because I use the telephone at work!!!"
Wife: "I also use the telephone at work so i'm also not responsible for high bills..."
Son: "I'm also not responsible for any high bills, because I use the telephone at school.."
Maid: "I don't see why the bills are high!!! We are all using our work place telephones..."
SHAROBARO
Kuna Sharobaro mmoja alibahatika kwenda kusoma majuu kwa miaka minne....
Aliporudi TZ, mwendo wake ukawa wa kudunda dunda na kuinamia upande mmoja (kushoto) huku bega la kulia akiliinua...
Siku moja mama yake akamuuliza...
"Hivi we mtoto kwa nini unatembea ukiwa umebend upande mmoja?!? Ulipata ulemavu huko?!?"
Jamaa akamjibu...
"Aah, mother unajua nnilipokuwa majuu muda mwingi nikienda class nilikuwa nashika mavitabu kwa kutumia mkono wa kushoto hivyo nshazoea bi mkubwa au sio?! Ka vipi nikaushie, usimind wala nini...."
Mama yake akamkatisha...
"Pumbavu!!!!! Nyamaza mshenzi mkubwa wewe... Mbona mimi nimewazaa nyinyi kumi na mbili lakini nikitembea mbona sikatikati viuno?!?!"
Aliporudi TZ, mwendo wake ukawa wa kudunda dunda na kuinamia upande mmoja (kushoto) huku bega la kulia akiliinua...
Siku moja mama yake akamuuliza...
"Hivi we mtoto kwa nini unatembea ukiwa umebend upande mmoja?!? Ulipata ulemavu huko?!?"
Jamaa akamjibu...
"Aah, mother unajua nnilipokuwa majuu muda mwingi nikienda class nilikuwa nashika mavitabu kwa kutumia mkono wa kushoto hivyo nshazoea bi mkubwa au sio?! Ka vipi nikaushie, usimind wala nini...."
Mama yake akamkatisha...
"Pumbavu!!!!! Nyamaza mshenzi mkubwa wewe... Mbona mimi nimewazaa nyinyi kumi na mbili lakini nikitembea mbona sikatikati viuno?!?!"
At Night in a Bar...
Bartender: "Who r u?! I never saw u before hommie...
Man: "Yeah man!! I hv nvr been here.. I Just Lost my job & came here for a drink" :(
Bartender: "What kind of job sir?!"
Man: "Well.. I am a consultant..."
Bartender: "Whats that?!"
Man: "It's a logical thinker.."
Bartender: "Logical thinker of what n how???"
Man: "Let me explain it with an example..."
Bartender: "Okay!!"
Man: "Do u have a dog?!"
Bartender: "Yes!!"
Man: "That means u love animals..."
Bartender: "True!!"
Man: "That means u love ur kids too..."
Bartender: "Ooh, yes, true also..!!!"
Man: "U have kids that means u r married..."
Bartender: "Very very true!!"
Man: "U love ur kids .. U r still married, means u have a beautiful wife.."
Bartender: "Amazing man how u know all this?!?"
Man: "Thats Logical thinking... Now u r married to a beautiful wife, so u r not GAY!!!"
Bartender: "Thats impressive!!!"
Man: "Anyways, thats how it works man!!! Time to leave buddie... See u next tym... Byeee!!!"
About 15 mins later bartender's manager cames...
Bartender: "Boss u know I met a consultant today..."
Boss: "Whats that??"
Bartender: "Its a Logical thinker..."
Boss: "Logical what??"
Bartender: "I will explain it 2 u with an example..."
Boss: "Okay!!!"
Bartender: "Do u have a DOG?!"
Boss: "Hell NO!!! I never keep dogs coz i dont lyk them!!"
Bartender: "OOOh, easy... That simply means u a GAY!!!"
Boss: "DAMN.... WHAAAAAT??! YOU ARE FIRED!!! Get OUT OF MA HOTEL NOW..." :D
Man: "Yeah man!! I hv nvr been here.. I Just Lost my job & came here for a drink" :(
Bartender: "What kind of job sir?!"
Man: "Well.. I am a consultant..."
Bartender: "Whats that?!"
Man: "It's a logical thinker.."
Bartender: "Logical thinker of what n how???"
Man: "Let me explain it with an example..."
Bartender: "Okay!!"
Man: "Do u have a dog?!"
Bartender: "Yes!!"
Man: "That means u love animals..."
Bartender: "True!!"
Man: "That means u love ur kids too..."
Bartender: "Ooh, yes, true also..!!!"
Man: "U have kids that means u r married..."
Bartender: "Very very true!!"
Man: "U love ur kids .. U r still married, means u have a beautiful wife.."
Bartender: "Amazing man how u know all this?!?"
Man: "Thats Logical thinking... Now u r married to a beautiful wife, so u r not GAY!!!"
Bartender: "Thats impressive!!!"
Man: "Anyways, thats how it works man!!! Time to leave buddie... See u next tym... Byeee!!!"
About 15 mins later bartender's manager cames...
Bartender: "Boss u know I met a consultant today..."
Boss: "Whats that??"
Bartender: "Its a Logical thinker..."
Boss: "Logical what??"
Bartender: "I will explain it 2 u with an example..."
Boss: "Okay!!!"
Bartender: "Do u have a DOG?!"
Boss: "Hell NO!!! I never keep dogs coz i dont lyk them!!"
Bartender: "OOOh, easy... That simply means u a GAY!!!"
Boss: "DAMN.... WHAAAAAT??! YOU ARE FIRED!!! Get OUT OF MA HOTEL NOW..." :D
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